Helping My Female Neighbor Get Laid - Good Deed of the Year

I just got back from Prince of Wales a few minutes ago. Not sober, but nowhere near as messed up as last night. My neighbor is on her way to some dude's house - and will get something she has not experienced in the last twelve months. I'd post a picture, but it is not flattering and I am in it.

The story goes is that this woman met said lucky dude in a bar five weeks ago. They had fun, exchanged numbers, and then he dicked her around on call backs and confirming dates ever since. Hard to get in touch with by voice call, and sends strange text messages. Now, if I tried that with most girls - I wouldn't get the time of day. But this girl, as much as she doesn't want to admit it, isn't getting any younger (mid to late 30s) and rarely goes to places where guys with anything going for them hang out. Plus, she has a face your favourite grandmother might have if it didn't have wrinkles - which always kept me from trying anything.

So, said dude messages my neighbor tonight and wants to meet up at a bar at 10pm. That is booty call drinks on a weeknight. She knows it, I know it, she doesn't want to say no. I tell her that it is a waste of time, the guy is looking for ass. Doesn't work. Other people tell her the same thing - she calls herself a dumbass. Then I pull out the coup de grace: when I don't want to work very hard to bed a marginally attractive woman - I call, set up dates, and cancel them; not show up; and be very incommunicado; and finally set up a late date that ends up at my place for the bonin'. (My apologies to Leah, Kristine, Melissa, Kathy, and Nisha - I'm an asshole.) When this didn't make her say, "fuck it, I am staying home," I knew what she really wanted. She wanted to make this guy feel like he is not the man, then once he humbled himself, she would unleash her large bosoms upon him. How would she accomplish this feat against a man who was reading her like a very thin children's book? She wanted me to go with her (with another girl of course, who was an hour late.). Being that her friend bought me dinner, and I didn't feel very unobliging this evening, I reluctantly agreed.

We arrive before he does and grab a couple stools at the bar, and he is late. Honestly, that's right out of my playbook. Ten minutes after the appointed time, he shows up, says hello to my neighbor, and greets me - wondering who the hell I am. I smile, shake his hand, and then go back to the Cards game (they lost, damn.). Once she got comfortable with him, her body language told me she was starting to get very interested - and I just forgot they were there. There was a really cute blonde with some dude - and she was so cute that when she started making small talk with me (while said dude was in bathroom) - I couldn't find my drink with my hand until I looked directly at it. That amused her and the cute butch blonde lesbian sitting next to her. This lesbo chick also had a LAPTOP in the friggin bar, taking advantage of the free wireless connection. And what pray tell was she looking at on her computer at a bar at 10pm at night. Well, besides her Outlook mail, I did see her looking at porn. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, she was looking at porn. Gotta love it.

Eventually, my other neighbor who was supposed to be hanging out with me while I intimidate the main one's date finally showed up. She got a beer, made small talk - and then we left the couple to their own devices. On the way back home, we got the call that she is driving to his place. I figured.

So ladies, do you wonder why guys play mysterious and hard to get and are always incommunicado? Well, now you know.

A toast to them - May the roads home be clear, and your skin and test results too. May the soft get hard, and the going be easy, but not too much. May the morning bring no regrets, and may your breakfast be alone and free of awkwardness.

Here here!

Category:

• Sex
• Relationships