Driving Miss Daisy Crazy

So it appears my first post, meant to criticize, in a civilized Midwestern manner, the Eastward trend of Chicago culture, has been met with characteristically East-Coast vitriol. Since my fellow poster Miss Daisy seems to have thrown manners out the door of her negro-driven car, I feel compelled to respond in kind - I'll have to go Chicago on her ass.

Miss Daisy takes offense to my claim that Chicago has lost its Midwestern toughness compared to Cincinnati. She then proceeds to rattle off everything she hates about Cincinnati - we shoot criminals, we smoke in bars, etc. - all of which are things that are classically Midwestern. She ends by comparing her own city of Chicago to not only the quintessential East-Coast cities of Boston and New York but even the pussiest city on Earth, Paris. Go ahead, Miss Daisy, keep proving me right.

She claims an East-Coast magazine's gospel of the best cities for singles is proof that the chicks in Chicago are hotter. Perhaps you misunderstood me: I meant hotter before caking on a foot of make-up. When talking to girls in Chicago, I feel the uncontrollable urge to take a drill to their face, just to see how ugly they are underneath. The girls in Cincinnati have natural beauty and, more importantly, are down-to-earth. Those two qualities go hand-in-hand: bitches on the inside become bitches on the outside. Frankly, I'd like that hot girl I met last night to look just as hot the morning after. But that's just me.

As for dueling surveys: Esquire rates Cincinnati as one of the top 10 "cities that rock." Chicago, of course, did not make the list. And Cincinnati regularly rates as one of the most livable cities in America, while Chicago's neighbor Gary is always one of the most dangerous. As you can see, finding dumb, arbitrary surveys to support your points is fun and easy!

This brings me to the corruption and racism arguments. Yeah, someone from the crime-boss capital of the world is lecturing me on corruption. And all that racism we harbor in Cincinnati somehow led us to elect a black mayor and build the first Underground Railroad Museum in the world. What biggots we are! Chicago's racism and corruption will become obvious when whitey Emperor Daley uses his connections to crush any hopes of a Jesse Jackson Jr. mayoral election bid. To see a real report on how the race issue in Cincinnati was overblown, check out this article by Heather MacDonald.

And, finally, we come to the real reason Miss Daisy is so angry: my slight at the Cubs. Yeah, the Cubs are universally loved...except in St. Louis, Cincinnati, Houston, Milwaukee, the Southside of their own town, and, well, anywhere that's not Illinois. The Cubs even repay their fans' devotion by laundering money through their own ticket brokers to artifically raise ticket prices, abetted by corrupt Chicago politics. Far from a beacon of hope, the Cubs are the greatest evidence of the Easternization of Chicago: they are a beacon of socialism, the belief that the pursuit of excellence should be mocked and the pursuit of failure and self-victimization should be praised. Nothing Midwestern about that. It's too bad they've learned nothing from the Chicago Bears and Bulls of old or the Big Red Machine of '70s Cincinnati, the three most important (and Midwestern) teams in the past century of sports.

Cincinnati ain't a town for pussies, which is why so many people of delicate, "modern" sensibilities - including our own Miss Daisy - have left. Why am I briefly living in Chicago, you ask? Well, I like slumming.

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