Put out that butt, if you want it up the butt

Pussies nationwide have lately been banning smoking in every private establishment...including people's own homes! But this, however, has to take the cake, courtesy of our neighbors to the north: in Canada, you can have group sex in clubs, but don't you dare light a cigarette.

Chicago of course has recently joined the castration crusade with their own smoking ban in private establishments, as have countless other cities. The vote in Chicago was strictly party-line, meaning 100% of the one-Republican delegation voted against. (I do have to give my props though to the alderman who sang to the city council: "Cigarettes and whiskey and wild, wild women. They'll drive you crazy. They'll drive you insane.")

We all know the tired arguments for and against smoking bans. Those for a ban invent a "right to breathe clean air" (i.e. a right to trample on other people's rights) wherever they happen to go, as if they deserve a 6-ft. bubble of fairy goodness around their person at all times. Those against smoking bans remind them that if the Constitution is to be anything but a piece of toilet paper for Ted Kennedy's ass, it must protect the rights of private owners to choose what kind of legal activities can occur on their own property, in this case in bars and restaurants.

But honestly, this debate needs a lot less logic and a little more common sense. I only need one argument to defeat a smoking ban, and it is this: smoking is cool. Smokers have personality, sophistication, and approachability. Bars should be smoky, otherwise they're just stale and have no character. Show me a blues bar without smoke, and I'll show you about 30 middle-aged balding white guys with ponytails and mid-life crises.

Anti-smoking advocates want to be insulated from all the icky things in society. Unfortunately, this also insulates them from society. Smokers are the most approachable people at bars; just walk up to them and ask for a light, or if you can bum a smoke. Drinkers, too (who I fear will be the next target of the pussy police), would rather talk to new, random people than go back home to their nappy-ass nagging wives. In contrast, pot-smokers are lazy and anti-social, hiding in their dorm rooms with a few friends talking about how "awesome" pot-smoking is. Smokers rarely talk about how awesome cigarette, cigar, and pipe-smoking is, because they don't need to justify their vice; they know it's awesome.

If you're still not convinced, realize this: the last two legal vices we have left are drinking and eating tasty food. If you don't stop pussies soon, you will lose those rights, too. And for the record, I've never smoked a cigarette in my life; I'm just not cool enough.

Category:

• Politics
• Society