I'm Starting My Own Religion

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xenu

And I guarantee it will be a lot more believeable than Scientology. Click the above link for information about Xenu, the dark galactic warlord in Scientology Mythology. This stuff is like really bad science fiction, the kind that makes the nerd drop kick you for wasting his time. And yet a lot of celebrities, including the once ultra cool Isaac Hayes actually take this shit seriously. Who can take this seriously?

Xenu was about to be deposed from power, so he devised a plot to eliminate the excess population from his dominions. With the assistance of "renegades", he defeated the populace and the "Loyal Officers", a force for good that was opposed to Xenu. Then, with the assistance of psychiatrists, he summoned billions of people to paralyse them with injections of alcohol and glycol, under the pretense that they were being called for "income tax inspections". The kidnapped populace was loaded into space planes for transport to the site of extermination, the planet of Teegeeack (Earth). The space planes were exact copies of Douglas DC-8s, "except the DC-8 had fans, propellers on it and the space plane didn't."

This stuff is so insane, it actually inspired me to make a t-shirt. Pick up your Xenu DC-8 Shirt here! Read the article for more about the billions carried in DC-8s to volcanoes and then blown up with hydrogen bombs.

EDIT: Coletrain.org has ALWAYS got your back. CLICK HERE FOR SOUTH PARK SCIENTOLOGY EPISODE!! (May only be up for short while, until Tom Cruise takes on YouTube)

My first thought after reading this crap is that I need to start my own religion. And since L. Ron Hubbard started Scientology while screwed up on rum and prescription drugs, yet made billions; I figure I can do just as well hungover from St. Patrick's Day before I go to grab a magic gyro. So, I now present to you the three tenets of the Way of the Coletrain.

1. The world was created millions of years ago, and during the First Age of Man before the dinosaurs came (from Venus) a great ruler named ViewSon ruled Earth as his personal fiefdom. ViewSon was as handsome as he was powerful, and the people of Earth loved him and were united under him. Earth was rich with natural resources and ViewSon's feudal overload Linksy wanted to give the planet to his son Logite to rule. With a mighty force comprised of 12 million spaceships and a billion space marines, Linksy and Logite conquered the people of Earth - but not before losing 99% of their armies. Once captured, ViewSon refused to abidicate the throne of Earth, and even refused to marry Logite's lovely sister Starta as a consolation price. In her anger, she slapped the chained ViewSon and left a scar under his nose - which was passed to his descendants. Linksy ordered ViewSon beheaded - and when the soldier drew his sword and cut off ViewSon's head - his blood pressure was high enough that a stream shot out of ViewSon's neck and into the mouth of Logite 50 feet away. He choked on his enemy's blood and immediately died. The remaining earthlings killed themselves in grief except for thirty women and ten men (including ViewSon's secret son by Starta). Linksy then invited the reptile people of Venus to repopulate the planet, but their bodies - unused to the easy climate of Earth - grew big and fat and stupid and within a few generations, they became dinosaurs.
   
2. The remaining humans spread to the caves and shadows of the world, and after the dinosaurs died began the Second Age of Man. The descendants of the survivors of Logite's war rebuilt, and vast cities spread across all eight continents. ViewSon's heir, Foxfir ruled with an iron fist, but an easy touch. Commerce and science flourished, and men returned to the stars. With no heir, Linksy's empire collasped, but trade under the new confederation grew with FoxFir's influence. Earth experienced greatness again for 1000 years, but as always things are never eternally peaceful. Jealous of Earth's trade position - a dictator from the far reaches of the Crab nebula named Com-Pa demanded a tribute. FoxFir, just as strong and virile at over 1100 years old refused. Then Com-Pa declared war. FoxFir was a fierce and brutal warrior, refusing to take prisoners and massacred Com-Pa's forces before finally striking on his home planet of Belki. Com-Pa conceded defeat in his own throne room, but when FoxFir turned his back to grab the surrender agreement to present to his enemy, Com-Pa reached for his knife and struck at FoxFir. FoxFir avoided the blow, killed Com-Pa with his own weapon, and in red hot anger and indignation he ordered Belki destroyed. However, unknown to FoxFir, Belki was not a natural planet - it was manufactured by Com-Pa millions of years before FoxFir's birth - and it was armed with a giant doomsday device. As FoxFir's armada shelled and lasered the planet from above, the device armed itself and launched towards Earth. Once there it destroyed the water vapor shield protecting Earth and its lifeforms (and gave humans long life), and headed straight for FoxFir's palace on Atlantis - wiping the continent from existence and the residual blast destroyed every city on the remaining seven continents. When FoxFir returned to the devastation on Earth, he was besides himself with grief. He asked the oracle on his ship for an answer, and she replied that the Second Age of Man was over, yet Earth will reclaim its rightful place as leader of the known universe when ViewSon's heir once again reclaims his throne.
3. Ladies and Gentleman, I am ViewSon's heir. But before you get excited, my time has not yet come. In order for me to reclaim my ancestral throne, the people of Earth must be united together as they were in the distant past. It will be necesary to cleanse their minds of hatred and bigotry through expensive therapies and mantras that I will provide. Single attractive women who wish to be cleansed can do so by cleaning my condo and cooking me dinner. Among other things that cannot be revealed to the uninitiated. We must find support among celebrities, politicians, and assorted rich people who can be cleansed through therapy, and through understanding the inner workings of the world that was under ViewSon. This understanding can be gained in workshops and seminars that I will periodically hold for a large fee or donation. People, this is the planet of ViewSon. Without him, the world was plagued by dinosaurs, war, and darkness. Under him and his heirs, Earth experienced peace, prosperity, and influence throughout the galaxy. With your help, ViewSon's blood will reign again. Long live the Third Age of Man!
   

The Way of the Coletrain is ten million times more plausible than Scientology, and nowhere near as embarrassing to have out on the Internet. Feel free to ask any questions about my religion, and I will happily accept any donations.

Hail ViewSon!

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