Questions From the Weekend

A few months ago, I posted about life's lessons from the weekend. Today, as I sit in a hazy daze, I am filled with questions.

Friday

Why does Captain and Coke taste so good? Even when extremely strong?

The last time I saw attractive neighbor Tanya, she was not engaged, now she is. Shouldn't she be excited to tell me about her ring (or throw it in my face) instead of being cold and stone like?

Why are there handicapped spots at dive bars?

Why is it when you are drunk enough to tell a hookup story at Capital Grille at an inappropriate volume, your friends think you might be full of it?

What level of drunk is a woman when she allows strangers to take off her clothes on the dance floor, fondle her, and stick random tongues in her mouth?

How many guys does the typical above average looking drunk girl make out with at a dive dance bar like Mako's? I know how many girls I make out with and what I look like, and now I am kinda worried.

Saturday

Is Pizza Hut a pizzeria or a bakery? I mean seriously... its all bread, not crust, bread!

Why does Northside Tavern, a dive bar, have steeper covers than decent places?

What is it with the older women hitting on me when the blues band is on stage?

Are white girls really intimidated when my white friends and I make mildly racist jokes around them? (i.e. The man is keeping me down, and cute blondes aren't showing me any love!)

Sunday

How cool is it to be at church with Bruce Bruce? Does anyone outside black radio really consider "Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector" to be his movie?

Is there something wrong with having a calzone and a Guinness while reading a magazine on a Sunday afternoon in church clothes?

I watched "XXX" late in the afternoon and heard the "Bitches come!" line again. I used something similar at a party in Minnesota a couple years ago, only I yelled at a group of eight girls walking down the sidewalk, "Hoes, here!" To this day I have to ask, why did that work?!?

I'm sorry, but isn't "Ice huh? Well, why don't you chip some off your heart... if you can find it?" one of the funniest lines in cinema ever? I still roll on the floor just thinking about it!

How twisted can Bree's son get? Will his little boyfriend get freaked out enough to break up with him?

Ok, you are a girl with your girlfriends out at a dive bar on a Sunday night. Most decent people are in bed or watching Boondocks where they belong, which leaves the irresponsible and the superhorny here. Where is all this resistance coming from?

Ok, you are a Mexican girl out with your girlfriends at a dive bar called the American Pie in Atlanta, GA at 1am. How in the fuck do you get off saying "no hablo ingles," when you were speaking English before? Do you think I won't call INS bitch?

Can anyone in a group of five thirsty people resist the $7.75 pitcher of Icehouse?

I am just a man looking for answers people.

Category:

• Parties