I May Be A Complete Asshole...

But at least I don't fuck puppies. Good grief, what is worse than fucking puppies up the ass? You could get away with a lot of shit and still be ten miles behind the guy that is going to hell for this heinous crime. I prepared a short list of things you could do that is nowhere near as bad.

• Armed robbery
• Marrying Britney Spears and turning her into an ugly fat slob
• Banging a 17 y/o Lindsay Lohan even if you are fucking 51
• Murder for hire
• Murdering your wife and her lover at the same time
• Advocating the violent overthrow of the US Government
• Drawing a funny cartoon of the Prophet Mohammed
• Claiming you are Jesus' grandson
• Prison rape
• Being a guest on the Jerry Springer Show
• Being a man and watching the Tyra Banks Show
• Knowing and caring who Janice Dickenson is
• Making a movie where Samuel L. Jackson doesn't say "motherfucker"
• Teabagging one of your friends
• Shooting shaving cream up your friend's ass

Each one of these things deserves the death penalty and a pre- and post-execution ass kicking. But at least if you do one or more of these things you aren't as bad as the Mexican who is going to jail on a puppy rape rap.