International Business - The Biggest Piece of Coletrain.org

Those of you who are exclusive blog viewers should also check out the International Business section of the site. It is updated on a semi-regular basis, and is chockful of information on how to do business overseas or with foreigners.

Feel free to email if you have any questions or comments.

Category:

• Business

Straight To The Moon

GWB wants to take us to Mars and back to the Moon.  Unfortunately, NASA employees have other ideas.  How much kiddie porn has to end up on your computer before postal agents and the NASA Inspector General's office is notified?  Good grief, the fucking Space Shuttle still runs on vacuum tubes - but those new Xeon servers and dual Centrino processors are downloading gigs worth of illegal material so that some executive in In-Space Propulsion can get his rocks off.

 

I say we need to shut down NASA and let Virgin and Richard Bronson handle space from now on.

When Thursday Night Refuses To End

To all my friends who I kept out too late at a bar or club without anything coming of it, I apologize. At 2am on an early Friday morn, I now know what it feels like. Dinner and a pitcher turned into four pitchers, five games of pool with random people, extra pints for my drunk friend who refused to sober up, and me hitting on three girls - two of whom I really wasn't interested in. They were cute enough; I just wanted to go home.

Key Conversation of the night:

Girl: Honestly, I know I look good, and 10 out of 10 guys who approach me want to fuck me, and don't even care what my name is or where I live.
Coletrain: Wow. What is your name anyway?

Happy Friday people.

Divas On The Railroad Tracks

There are few concepts better than the Wednesday Night Drinking Club. Once a month hundreds of Atlanta's young and sexy professionals gather at a different bar or small club and "network." Networking of course is the new business speak for getting drunk and trying to pick each other up, or standing around and trying to look cool - the latter not being any kind of networking at all. Last night at Aiko was no different with me meeting up with one of my new co-workers and some friends from out of town. My co-worker, Alexis, looked pretty cute and is either a) a fun loving and great person who will make a welcome addition to my partying crew or b) is going to get me fired and sue me for sexual harrassment. Either scenario will make for a great story. In any case, I got the Atlanta Illustrated guy to take a picture of us. Given my fresh hair cut and general good looks, plus the fact that Alexis looks like the typical Georgia girl, this is my best chance yet to make the website's picture section next week.

While hanging out with Alexis and my boys was a great time, after Alexis left to go home (she still likes getting in early to work... chump), and my boys left because they had an early drive back to Berkeley - I was stuck at Aiko because I still needed to sober up a bit before I left. Plus I wanted to mack on a cute blonde I was checking out before everyone arrived. She was real cute with a petite body, nice chesticles, and almost a diva attitude. I didn't hit on her before because I don't like divas, but after everyone left - my confidence was high, I was feeling lightly toasted, and I could care less whether she liked me or not. This state of being is precisely how you approach any diva, although the alcohol is not entirely necessary.

Women who refer to themselves as divas have a very high opinion of themselves, a much lower relative opinion of everyone else, and an over inflated sense of entitlement. That entitlement piece burns me more than anything, since everything I wanted as a child - a ten-speed bike, a pair of Oakleys, a die-cast Voltron, and a decent computer - I had to buy on my own as an adult. That taught me that sometimes life doesn't hand anything to you - and that you are always happiest when you are living the wishes you had as a child.

Divas, on the other hand, expect people to bow down to their every wish, and they will spit on your head if you do so. This also means they aren't truly happy until someone will kick them in the teeth, and then give them the Heimlich manuevre to cough them up again. That's where I come in, the guy who doesn't offer dinner on the first date, the guy who doesn't buy drinks, yet will drop you off at your apartment the next morning and give you a firm handshake. (I don't recommend offering the handshake instead of a kiss after sex - I thought she was going to throttle me.) This kind of attitude seems almost churlish; but it attracts women from Atlanta, GA to Hollywood, CA. Most famously Britney Spears, Shannon Elizabeth, and Jessica Simpson all married guys who mastered the emotional Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the mouth. And they are still looking for guys who can give it to them again.

The lesson here is if you are a woman and you want free drinks from a good guy, buy him one first. If you want flowers everyday, act like you don't deserve them. If you want a guy to dote on you from the start - pretend you don't deserve it. Else you might run into trouble. After all, divas are all in danger of attracting primadonnas.

Category:

• Society
• Relationships
• Sex

Sharon's Got Some Stones

Required reading next to The Alphabet of Manliness:

From contactmusic.com:
Actress SHARON STONE is adamant teenagers should be prepared to engage in oral sex, if it saves from them the dangers of unprotected penetrative sex. The BASIC INSTINCT spends much of her time away from Hollywood working as an activist raising AIDS awareness, and she always carries condoms with her to hand out in a bid to increase safe sex levels. She explains, "I was in the store the other day and I watched a young girl trying on clothes, showing her abdomen. "Her mother was trying to talk to her about not being inappropriately luring. I said, 'Gee that would look much nicer with a camisole under.' "Her mother walked away, and I said to the girl, 'I'd like to give you a two-minute conversation about sex.' "Young people talk to me about what to do if they're being pressed for sex? I tell them (what I believe): oral sex is a hundred times safer than vaginal or anal sex. "If you're in a situation where you cannot get out of sex, offer a blow job. I'm not embarrassed to tell them."

Thank you, Sharon Stone. I was going to skip Basic Instinct II, but this gives me a whole lot more respect for you. Of course, she knows as much about biology as Tom Cruise knows about psychiatry (unprotected oral sex still leaves you at risk for all the nasty viral infections; a cold sore could give you herpes, and genital warts could give you mouth cancer!), but I'm glad there are brave women championing the most vital cause of men everywhere: the no-effort orgasm. Yeah, that'll really keep the boys off your back...literally.

Category:

• Nati
• Celebrities
• Entertainment

Buy Alphabet of Manliness

Click here for Alphabet of Manliness website

I know a lot of writers. I know a guy who has never managed to finish his personal seminal novel, yet wrote a trilogy about corruption and death in Mexico, MO for the National Write A Novel In a Month competition (you only win if you finish). I met some writers from PointsInCase.com and drank a lot of the editor's booze. I even know the guy who wrote a book so damning of the State Department, that after reading it Pat Robertson said - on the 700 Club mind you - that the State personnel and all of Foggy Bottom should be nuked. But I have never met a guy who wrote a book so powerful, so manly, that it is the #1 seller on Amazon.com - even though it is still on pre-order and there are no reviews available. And I never even dreamed of a guy who could make that happen even before he released the cover.

The man's name is George Ouzounian, aka Maddox, and the book is The Alphabet of Manliness. I don't know what this book is about, but from what I can glean from Maddox's site and the cover of a muscular man cracking a giant ape in the jaw I am sure it is going to involve a lot of meat-eating, killing, abusing, and pillaging vignettes that will inspire all to greatness. Just writing about this book that I haven't even read makes my chest hair grow that much thicker.

You can buy the book by clicking the ad at the left.

They Are Just Like A Train Wreck

You can't stop staring. I was all set to grab some Beam and whatever mixer I could find, pop some Chuck Norris in the DVD, and enjoy my first night in months without "The Shield." But then I saw this on my computer monitor (thanks to Go Fug Yourself).


Wow, Tara... I know you have pretty eyes, but come on, can you blame me? In the words of Damon Wayans, it's like you got two midgets in there. They couldn't be anymore obvious if they were hanging out of your dress. And we all remember that episode. BTW, the most downloaded pics from Coletrain.org are the progression from normal Tara to Big Titty TaReidy and the one where Tara makes Paris Hilton look like Grace Kelly.

By the way, if I saw Tara looking like that in a club. I would approach her with a shot of Patron, and have her chase it with a 10oz glass of Popov Vodka and some ice. She would just think its water, and by the time she realizes the truth - I will be getting dressed and taking one more picture before heading to IHOP for breakfast.

Category:

• Celebrities

Questions From the Weekend

A few months ago, I posted about life's lessons from the weekend. Today, as I sit in a hazy daze, I am filled with questions.

Friday

Why does Captain and Coke taste so good? Even when extremely strong?

The last time I saw attractive neighbor Tanya, she was not engaged, now she is. Shouldn't she be excited to tell me about her ring (or throw it in my face) instead of being cold and stone like?

Why are there handicapped spots at dive bars?

Why is it when you are drunk enough to tell a hookup story at Capital Grille at an inappropriate volume, your friends think you might be full of it?

What level of drunk is a woman when she allows strangers to take off her clothes on the dance floor, fondle her, and stick random tongues in her mouth?

How many guys does the typical above average looking drunk girl make out with at a dive dance bar like Mako's? I know how many girls I make out with and what I look like, and now I am kinda worried.

Saturday

Is Pizza Hut a pizzeria or a bakery? I mean seriously... its all bread, not crust, bread!

Why does Northside Tavern, a dive bar, have steeper covers than decent places?

What is it with the older women hitting on me when the blues band is on stage?

Are white girls really intimidated when my white friends and I make mildly racist jokes around them? (i.e. The man is keeping me down, and cute blondes aren't showing me any love!)

Sunday

How cool is it to be at church with Bruce Bruce? Does anyone outside black radio really consider "Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector" to be his movie?

Is there something wrong with having a calzone and a Guinness while reading a magazine on a Sunday afternoon in church clothes?

I watched "XXX" late in the afternoon and heard the "Bitches come!" line again. I used something similar at a party in Minnesota a couple years ago, only I yelled at a group of eight girls walking down the sidewalk, "Hoes, here!" To this day I have to ask, why did that work?!?

I'm sorry, but isn't "Ice huh? Well, why don't you chip some off your heart... if you can find it?" one of the funniest lines in cinema ever? I still roll on the floor just thinking about it!

How twisted can Bree's son get? Will his little boyfriend get freaked out enough to break up with him?

Ok, you are a girl with your girlfriends out at a dive bar on a Sunday night. Most decent people are in bed or watching Boondocks where they belong, which leaves the irresponsible and the superhorny here. Where is all this resistance coming from?

Ok, you are a Mexican girl out with your girlfriends at a dive bar called the American Pie in Atlanta, GA at 1am. How in the fuck do you get off saying "no hablo ingles," when you were speaking English before? Do you think I won't call INS bitch?

Can anyone in a group of five thirsty people resist the $7.75 pitcher of Icehouse?

I am just a man looking for answers people.

Category:

• Parties

Another Horny Teacher is Sentenced

http://www.wchstv.com/newsroom/eyewitness/0603/060322-1.shtml

But this one, Toni Woods, is going to jail for long time. She is getting 4-20 years for banging four boys (all under the age of 16), while our LaFave sex teacher goes free.

What's the difference? According to parents, the multiple children affected makes the crime that much worse.

As for me, I think the fact that Debbie is hot as hell and obviously has bad judgment inspired the prosecutor to be lenient. After all, she has GOT to be really easy, right?

Category:

• TeacherWatch

Was Last Night "Black. White." or "Death Wish?"

As a black man, there are places I won't go.  While country western dance halls are generally a bad idea for me, I definitely stay away from places that display multiple Confederate flags in areas north of the Mason-Dixon line.  Here in the Deep South, a lot of nice people are related to Confederate soldiers - so the heritage claim for the flag is actually legitimate.  Anywhere else, typically the people that hang that flag are people that I pretty much want to avoid.

 

Also, as a black man, if I am with a white girl - there are places I won't go.  Country western halls bedecked with Confederate flags are one place, and another place is an area where black revolutionaries and gang members tend to gather.  Just not a good idea.

 

Watching Bruno and Carmen (the white parents) do just what I described was hair-raising.  Especially when Bruno (in black makeup) didn't notice the stares and the murmuring among the white folks in the bar while he was there.  Carmen (also in black makeup) was in tears, and she really started to actually get it - that there are people who make snap judgments about you based on your skin, and there is really little you can do about it.  Racism got Bruno's attention when he brought Carmen (without makeup) to a black gathering on Crenshaw in South Central. Every person there seemed to mentally revoke Bruno's ghetto pass as he hung close to his white woman.  Even through the TV screen you could feel the resentment and anger towards both of them, while the black woman who accompanied them advised that maybe it was time to go.

 

Now three episodes in, I think people are really gaining an understanding on how race affects us.  Race shouldn't matter, but it has had an impact for so long - it is impossible to disregard until we understand its roots and how to root it out.

You Are Not Ready For This

Elmo - Gangsta Gangsta

I know many of you, like Angineer, are huge fans of Elmo. Well, now I am too. Especially since he has totally gone gangsta. This video is almost as significant to music and art in general as LL Cool J's "Mama Said Knock You Out," and may even be more classic. I think you all should write a short essay on what this video means to you.

Category:

• Music
• Humour

Don't Make Me Put On a Guy Fawkes Mask

http://www.nbc5i.com/news/8169246/detail.html

 

Sometimes I wonder how close we will get to Tom Cruise's "Minority Report" with this whole pre-crime thing.  Sure, drunk driving is bad... but doing your thing in a bar should not bring down the whole law enforcement establishment on top of you.  Especially if that bar happens to be in YOUR hotel.

Arresting authorities said the patrons were a danger to themselves and others.

"Going to a bar is not an opportunity to go get drunk," TABC Capt. David Alexander said. "It's to have a good time but not to get drunk."

Obviously Capt. Alexander is an easy going genial guy who can have fun in dark hot crowded spaces with sweaty people who are obnoxious and surly - and he is completely sober.  That sounds like fun to him.  Of course, he doesn't have to drink spiced rum to get a little Captain in him, he has that already 'cause his head is stuck up his ass.

No Jail Time for Hottie Sex Teacher

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060321/ap_on_re_us/teacher_sex

Turns out that the mother of the lucky or unlucky (right...) boy doesn't want her son on the witness stand, so the Marion County prosectutor had to settle for a shitty plea deal. The judge rejected said shitty deal based on the lack of prison time, but without the boy's live testimony the prosectutor was screwed - so he drops the charges.

Debra LaFave still has to serve three years house arrest plus seven years probation - so no hot scenes of her in prison with the dirty punk rocker girl are going to come to fruition. Never fear, Spring Break for secondary schools just started - I am sure she is free for anyone making a trip to South Florida. I'd bring a Health book along if I were you.

And I Thought You People Were Fucked Up

http://entertainment.tv.yahoo.com/news/wwn/20051209/113414040002.html

 

The article above doesn't do more than lay out the facts pretty linearly - so let me paint you a picture using quotes.

" 'The truth is, I got to see a side of my mom I'd never seen before. I'm grateful for that."

" 'The conversations even got a little racy a couple of times.

 

"When starry-eyed Daniel asked Sweet Juliette to send him a picture, Nicole e-mailed him a photo of a curvy, half-clad cutie she'd scanned from a men's magazine.

" 'I walked out on that dark beach thinking I was going to hook up with the girl of my dreams," the rattled bachelor later admitted.

 

" 'Mom says she was falling for me, too, and she just wanted to meet me, even though she knew I'd be disappointed when I saw her.

 

" 'Dad was ticked for a while and he forbid Mom to talk to anybody on the Internet ever again," said embarrassed Daniel.

" 'Danny and I were so flustered, we blurted out the whole story to the cop," recalled matronly mom Nicole, 52.

So a married 52 year old woman, bored with her marriage, goes out looking for hot young men on the internet, and finds her horny son.  See, this is what happens when women put fake pictures on the internet - it leads to no end of confusion and embarrassment.  Let that be a lesson to you... honesty is the best policy.  Although, I don't see how little Danny can get it up again - since he used his best lines on his mom. 

http://www.pointsincase.com/chad/2006/03/other-tournament.html

 

Here is a great post about women's basketball from Chad Chamley, a friend of Coletrain.org.  His blog is pretty funny, and it brings back fond memories of hitting on freshmen at the good ol' U (of Minnesota-Twin Cities).

 

I love hearing how women complain that their tournament should receive as much press and fanfare as the men's tournament - but when was that ever the case in any sport?  If it wasn't for Candace Parker's "dunk," I would have watched zero chick hoops this season, instead of 15 seconds worth.  In fact, most people I know lost interest in chick hoops altogether after Lindsay Whalen graduated from the U of Minnesota and the Minnesota Lynx couldn't pick her up in the WNBA draft.  She was absolutely incredible; so incredible in fact that she has a friggin Wikipedia article (click her name above), and even more notably - I actually watched a few women's basketball games just to see her kick ass.  These days I could care less about chick hoops.

 

Anyway check out the post and the NCAA All-Boner Team, which is absolutely classic.  By the way, is there something wrong with me because I really like RyAnne Ridge of Tulsa not only because she is cute, but because she is shorter than me?

 

http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/spotlight/news-article.aspx?storyid=54059

 

We all do some pretty silly things under the influence: leaving keys in a running car overnight, going home with someone you shouldn't, beating up homeless people, drunk dialing, causing a scene at a VIP event at BED Atlanta, or just simply using the world as your toilet.  But I bet none of you have ever climbed over a security fence and stuck your hand through a locked cage to pet the pretty tiger.  "Ooh, you are so soft, and those teeth are so shiny... HEY, what did you do that for... that's not nice.  FUCK, that really hurts!  Hobbes, you let go right now!!!"  The best part is that everyone thinks the tiger was acting sensibly.

"As soon as the owner came out of the trailer, the tiger released its grasp of him -- so it's probably about a thirty second event," said Putnam County Sheriff Dean Kelly.

"A foolish thing, and I'm sure the subject -- if he had to do it all over again -- wouldn't stick his hand inside the tiger cage," Kelly said.

The state says the cat involved has no past problems.

"Wild animals -- when provoked -- are going to do what wild animals do, and that's protect themselves and their territory," Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission Officer Kat Kelley explained.

That just goes to show you... they don't cotton to drunk idjits in Palatka, FL.  Nor should they.  That's also why I steer clear of zoos on Saturday nights/Sunday mornings.

 

More Black.White.

I missed Black.White. last week because of work, but I saw the encore showing tonight. Apparently the show is doing well, and R.J Cutler and Ice Cube are receiving a lot of critical acclaim - as well as high ratings for cable TV. Hopefully you are all checking it out.

The second episode portrayed the family continuing on their path towards "passing" for the opposite race. Carmen, the white mother, again ruffles feathers when she assumes black women great each other as "bitch." Of course, that is completely fucked up. Renee, the black mother, is having a hard time understanding that Carmen is just completely ignorant and silly - and not just simply hostile. The episode seemed to focus on racial sensibilities and how the races see each other on a general basis. Again, Brian's white bar has a patron that gives the audience an earfull of crap - but even though the man sounds like a recruiter for the Klan when he talks about how black kids don't respect achievement or achievers in his neighborhood - it brought me back to experiences I had growing up dealing with that issue. Now that's fucked up.

In this episode my favourite character is still Rose, the white daughter, who is damned cute and tries really hard to understand the black kids in her poetry class. You also see she really cares, and gives me a lot of hope that maybe this race thing can be conquered in my lifetime.

The picture above is Brian, the black father, in white face. The dude looks like a NASCAR fan, which probably explains why people talk like hicks around him.

Category:

• Race
• Relationships
• Society

Fighting the Unwitting Conspiracy

It is good to be home on the weekend after a full week of travel and bullshit. Being home, as humble as it may be, affords me the opportunity to reflect on life and relax in peace. Plus I can safely celebrate St. Patrick's Day with my friends. Unfortunately, my elaborate plans to enjoy jazz with one of my younger attractive co-workers, and then enjoy many drinks into the evening with her and my friends instead devolved something else. I ended up working late, putting down a few at Smyrna Market Village/Atkins Park, and turned into an obnoxious asshole before 10pm. Wonderful.

Of course, this is right about the time I am approached by a gorgeous thirtysomething blonde, who proceeds to rub me up and down and what not while I am waiting at the very busy bar - only to ask me to buy her three drinks. When I say sure and ask her for her cash, she tries to come off like I'm the asshole for not ponying up. Of course, I tear her a new one in front of everybody, take my friends their drinks - and the girl I brought with me is giving me that "I am getting ready to get out of her alone look." Lovely. After she leaves, I for reasons unbeknownst to me end up at Twisted Taco - and I soon leave when I realize I have no idea why I am there.

The upside to the weekend is that I am home, I founded my own religion, I saw the awesome film "V for Vendetta," and I found a great story that DutchGirl wrote about how she picked me up at Wash U. The story is pretty long, so just search for "Fraternity" and it should pop right up. If you can't read Dutch, use Free Translation to understand 95% of it. I don't know what a "dikke" is, but apparently mine is fat. It's always good to know that you are wanted somewhere.

By the way, if you don't understand the title of this post, check out http://www.coletrain.org/about.html
.

I'm Starting My Own Religion

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xenu

And I guarantee it will be a lot more believeable than Scientology. Click the above link for information about Xenu, the dark galactic warlord in Scientology Mythology. This stuff is like really bad science fiction, the kind that makes the nerd drop kick you for wasting his time. And yet a lot of celebrities, including the once ultra cool Isaac Hayes actually take this shit seriously. Who can take this seriously?

Xenu was about to be deposed from power, so he devised a plot to eliminate the excess population from his dominions. With the assistance of "renegades", he defeated the populace and the "Loyal Officers", a force for good that was opposed to Xenu. Then, with the assistance of psychiatrists, he summoned billions of people to paralyse them with injections of alcohol and glycol, under the pretense that they were being called for "income tax inspections". The kidnapped populace was loaded into space planes for transport to the site of extermination, the planet of Teegeeack (Earth). The space planes were exact copies of Douglas DC-8s, "except the DC-8 had fans, propellers on it and the space plane didn't."

This stuff is so insane, it actually inspired me to make a t-shirt. Pick up your Xenu DC-8 Shirt here! Read the article for more about the billions carried in DC-8s to volcanoes and then blown up with hydrogen bombs.

EDIT: Coletrain.org has ALWAYS got your back. CLICK HERE FOR SOUTH PARK SCIENTOLOGY EPISODE!! (May only be up for short while, until Tom Cruise takes on YouTube)

My first thought after reading this crap is that I need to start my own religion. And since L. Ron Hubbard started Scientology while screwed up on rum and prescription drugs, yet made billions; I figure I can do just as well hungover from St. Patrick's Day before I go to grab a magic gyro. So, I now present to you the three tenets of the Way of the Coletrain.

1. The world was created millions of years ago, and during the First Age of Man before the dinosaurs came (from Venus) a great ruler named ViewSon ruled Earth as his personal fiefdom. ViewSon was as handsome as he was powerful, and the people of Earth loved him and were united under him. Earth was rich with natural resources and ViewSon's feudal overload Linksy wanted to give the planet to his son Logite to rule. With a mighty force comprised of 12 million spaceships and a billion space marines, Linksy and Logite conquered the people of Earth - but not before losing 99% of their armies. Once captured, ViewSon refused to abidicate the throne of Earth, and even refused to marry Logite's lovely sister Starta as a consolation price. In her anger, she slapped the chained ViewSon and left a scar under his nose - which was passed to his descendants. Linksy ordered ViewSon beheaded - and when the soldier drew his sword and cut off ViewSon's head - his blood pressure was high enough that a stream shot out of ViewSon's neck and into the mouth of Logite 50 feet away. He choked on his enemy's blood and immediately died. The remaining earthlings killed themselves in grief except for thirty women and ten men (including ViewSon's secret son by Starta). Linksy then invited the reptile people of Venus to repopulate the planet, but their bodies - unused to the easy climate of Earth - grew big and fat and stupid and within a few generations, they became dinosaurs.
   
2. The remaining humans spread to the caves and shadows of the world, and after the dinosaurs died began the Second Age of Man. The descendants of the survivors of Logite's war rebuilt, and vast cities spread across all eight continents. ViewSon's heir, Foxfir ruled with an iron fist, but an easy touch. Commerce and science flourished, and men returned to the stars. With no heir, Linksy's empire collasped, but trade under the new confederation grew with FoxFir's influence. Earth experienced greatness again for 1000 years, but as always things are never eternally peaceful. Jealous of Earth's trade position - a dictator from the far reaches of the Crab nebula named Com-Pa demanded a tribute. FoxFir, just as strong and virile at over 1100 years old refused. Then Com-Pa declared war. FoxFir was a fierce and brutal warrior, refusing to take prisoners and massacred Com-Pa's forces before finally striking on his home planet of Belki. Com-Pa conceded defeat in his own throne room, but when FoxFir turned his back to grab the surrender agreement to present to his enemy, Com-Pa reached for his knife and struck at FoxFir. FoxFir avoided the blow, killed Com-Pa with his own weapon, and in red hot anger and indignation he ordered Belki destroyed. However, unknown to FoxFir, Belki was not a natural planet - it was manufactured by Com-Pa millions of years before FoxFir's birth - and it was armed with a giant doomsday device. As FoxFir's armada shelled and lasered the planet from above, the device armed itself and launched towards Earth. Once there it destroyed the water vapor shield protecting Earth and its lifeforms (and gave humans long life), and headed straight for FoxFir's palace on Atlantis - wiping the continent from existence and the residual blast destroyed every city on the remaining seven continents. When FoxFir returned to the devastation on Earth, he was besides himself with grief. He asked the oracle on his ship for an answer, and she replied that the Second Age of Man was over, yet Earth will reclaim its rightful place as leader of the known universe when ViewSon's heir once again reclaims his throne.
3. Ladies and Gentleman, I am ViewSon's heir. But before you get excited, my time has not yet come. In order for me to reclaim my ancestral throne, the people of Earth must be united together as they were in the distant past. It will be necesary to cleanse their minds of hatred and bigotry through expensive therapies and mantras that I will provide. Single attractive women who wish to be cleansed can do so by cleaning my condo and cooking me dinner. Among other things that cannot be revealed to the uninitiated. We must find support among celebrities, politicians, and assorted rich people who can be cleansed through therapy, and through understanding the inner workings of the world that was under ViewSon. This understanding can be gained in workshops and seminars that I will periodically hold for a large fee or donation. People, this is the planet of ViewSon. Without him, the world was plagued by dinosaurs, war, and darkness. Under him and his heirs, Earth experienced peace, prosperity, and influence throughout the galaxy. With your help, ViewSon's blood will reign again. Long live the Third Age of Man!
   

The Way of the Coletrain is ten million times more plausible than Scientology, and nowhere near as embarrassing to have out on the Internet. Feel free to ask any questions about my religion, and I will happily accept any donations.

Hail ViewSon!

Category:

• Religion
• Scientology
• Celebrities

I'm Your Vehicle, Baby

Some people are especially unlucky to have their birthday coincide with a holiday ("So is this for Christmas or for my birthday? Both, huh? Thanks, jackass."). Some just have birthdays on any old boring day. The truly lucky, like myself, have the fortune of being born on a semi-holiday, a date commemorating some important historic event, especially when it reflects their personality. My friends get irritated when I brag about this, but my pride is more important than my friends.

The 15th (Ides) of March has not been kind to dictators. Everyone knows Julius Caesar was assassinated on this date, of course. But so too died Cao Cao, China's most infamous usurper, after being terrified by the ghost of his nemesis Guan Yu. And the last Tsar of Russia, Nicholas II, abdicated his throne on 3/15/1917. (So not all of these are good things...)

I encourage you, my friends, to celebrate my birthday the way it was meant to be. If you can depose a despot, be my guest. Since there aren't enough despots to go around, though, I suggest instead that you make like Brutus and betray a close friend (more specifically, any friend but me). That's how I like to celebrate it. Nothing big, of course; ditch him at a restaurant with the check, or post her naked pictures on the internet. Like I said, nothing big.

I'd also like to give a shout-out to my favorite president and birthdate-kin, Andrew Jackson. I'm tippin' a forty fo' ya, Ol' Dirty Hickory!

Reno Sucks

In all the cities I have been to in my life, I have always found a bright side... something that was worthwhile. Even in cities like Kansas City, MO; Morristown, NJ; Irvine, CA; Picayune, MS; and Vermillion, SD I have found cool things and awesome women even when all signs point to these places sucking ass for anyone over 18 and single.

Reno, NV is another story. I was there for a national fencing tournament, and since both events I entered started at 8am on Sat./Sun., I pretty much had the day free by 1pm. It seems that was a shame, because there was nothing going on - other than gambling of course. If you aren't interested in slot machines, video poker, or other assorted machinized gambling apparati - 70% of the "nightlife" in the town instantly disappears into nothingness. In fact, without the casinos - Reno is just a crappy version of Quincy, IL set in the Sierra Nevada mountains. Here is a top ten of shitty things about Reno, Nevada.

10. Friday night there is no crowds, bars are half empty. Everyone who is awake is gambling, and they don't even look like they are having fun like the people on TV.

9. If you never thought gambling was wrong, watch people on these machines - they are spending money tapping a button staring at a screen for hours at a time. Watching someone masturbate to Hentai porn seems less obscene.

8. Try finding a decent standalone restaurant - no chance. Casino restaurants ranged from great deals on average food, to insanely high prices on just above average food.

7. The cabbie greets you with promises of hookers and gambling, but all I see is gambling.

6. The only standalone bar on the main strip (Virginia Ave.) is really a strip bar (as opposed to a club). Which means it is almost impossible to just grab a beer without hearing ding ding ding.

5. The above strip bar has only one girl before 10pm on weekends, and she is a fat chick who tells every guy who comes in that a) she has a boyfriend (who cares!) and b) she will not dance naked on the pole (thank heavens!!).

4. It is nearly impossible to find a group of women who are not working at the various bars and restaurants in the casinos. Except around the various wedding chapels. Oh, and most of the locals are ugly.

3. Reno is where hot trashy girls who are bad in bed go to pasture as cocktail waitresses. If they were any good in bed, they would go to Vegas.

2. The aforementioned cocktail waitresses aren't very friendly... to anyone. Not even if you are ordering a drink or gambling or anything. Damn it, I am in a casino - at least pretend to act glamorous!

1. Reno is not Las Vegas.

Honorable Mention: Hot female fencers I saw at this competition were either married or in high school. Damn.

If you are looking to waste your money on dumbass gambling machines, Reno is your place. But seriously, you are better off going to Vegas if you are into that sort of thing. You will have a much better time, or at least a much better story.

Coletrain on Collegestories.com

http://www.collegestories.com/storyview.aspx?sid=3990

Check out this story, it was probably the first quasi-sexual encounter I had at Washington University. As a lowly freshmen straight out of the boondocks I was quite naive about well, everything, and this story is a perfect illustration. I am sure you will find it entertaining.

Lawmakers: Wal-Mart Threatens Banking System (Reuters)

 

Fresh off a victory over Dubai Ports World, Congressmen are attacking an entity they hate even more than Arabs - Wal-Mart.  Wal-Mart wants to start its own industrial bank to handle electronic payments and whatnot.  Considering its one of the largest retailers in the world, and that Target has the same deal set up - it seems like this shouldn't be a big deal.  Except that we are talking about Wal-Mart, the bane of crappier retailers and manufacturers who hate the ideal of giving the highest possible value to the consumer, everyday.  As a result, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) is having a public hearing to help decide whether or not to give WM its bank.  By the way, the FDIC has NEVER held a public hearing about a bank application.

 

This of course is a result is pure politics and lobbying by the same guys who should be in jail with Abramoff.  Now, I don't shop at Wal-Mart because they are incredibly out of the way from my normal haunts in Atlanta, and I pass a Target on my drive home from work.  Not to mention Target after work is a prime time to check out cute professional chicks. 

 

Quick Review of Black.White.

If you missed tonight's premiere of "Black.White.," shame on you. Check your local TV listings for the encore presentation, asshole.

For those of you who did see it, and as a primer for the dicks who missed it - here are some quick thoughts.

1. The makeup is incredible. With the exception of the black mother who turns white, the change is both total and believeable. It also helps that everyone, except the black mother again, has features that approximate their alter egos.
2. The white mother likes the brothers. When her husband Bruno comes out in black makeup for the first time, watch her reaction - she is completely turned on. She even comments later that "He looked so warm. I just fell in love with him all over again."
3. Rose, the white daughter (pictured) looks ten times better black. When they show Rose white her bad acne shines through, along with her bad hairstyle and odd taste in clothing. The dark makeup hides her blemishes totally, and the dark pulled back hair is a great look for her. As a white girl she comes off corny, but as a black girl she definitely has my attention.
4. Even I admit that the first episode is biased against whites. Two key scenes, the white people focus group on race and the conversation in the all white bar about the only all white neighbourhood in LA, really make whites out to be hopelessly ignorant at best or the enemy at worst. The only real balance so far comes from Bruno - who arguably rightly points out that the black father looks for racism when it most likely isn't there. While there are a lot of racist devils out there, hopefully there will be a bit more balance in later episodes.
5. Black.White. lives up to its billing. There are a lot of complicated themes being discussed, and ones that are argued with as much emotion as evidence. And this is precisely how race is discussed and dealt with in the real world. The two families live together in one house and discuss their encounters with the outside world every evening and you get a real sense that there is some real learning and growth.
   

This show is definitely a must see for the next few months. Feel free to comment on anything you saw. I will try to recap the episodes from week to week.

Category:

• Race
• Entertainment
• Society

Your One Black Friend

Seriously, how many of you nonblack people have just one black friend. The guy or girl who tells you what to wear, what to drink, and you use him/her for an excuse when you get called out for being racially insensitive. But its ok, because he/she gets something out of it too.

Read "I'm Your One Black Friend"

You will either be laughing your ass off, feel grossly offended, or both. Enjoy!

Category:

• Race

A Date with Emetic...ur, I mean "a medic"

Get out your kleenex, girls; the newest Bachelor and his hand-picked fiancee are through. Their excuse? The same one all the other failed Bachelor couples cited: in order to prevent a leak of the results while the show is airing, the couple are not allowed to see each other. It's really surprising that hot people who are emotionally unstable enough to go on reality TV can't make it work after 4 months apart. Says the woman, "You're in Paris and you're part of this incredible experience, this fantasy world, and then suddenly you come back to Nashville..." Good God. How could any of us have seen this coming?!

I know why people watch this show: morbid fascination, or vicarious desperation. But why do people take part in it? It's important to note that every incarnation of The Bachelor has failed; the only success out of this franchise was The Bachelorette. The reason seems pretty obvious to me: when a man agrees to be one of 25 or so tools vying for one anonymous woman's affections, it's clear he's desperate to settle down; when a man agrees to be taped making out with a dozen hot girls and then arbitrarily picking out the prettiest, he's got other things on his mind.

Which brings me to my Real World theory: hot people are naturally emotionally unstable. Being able to date any chick/guy you want thoroughly destroys your ability to form relationships, making you turn to other things to give you meaning in life (drugs, sex, reality TV, and french fries...mmm freeedom fries). I'd pity them so much if they weren't gettin' it daily. So I don't pity them.

Category:

• Entertainment
• Celebrities
• Relationships

Lourdes - Against All Odds....

http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/03/06/D8G6BS980.html

...She might actually have some sense. Carlos Leon must be more balanced than I am giving him credit for, because that little girl isn't getting any sanity from her Material Girl mother. It seems that Lourdes asked her mom Madonna if she was gay since she kissed Britney Spears. Here is her response.

"And I said, 'No, it just means I kissed Britney Spears. I am the mommy pop star and she is the baby pop star. And I am kissing her to pass my energy on to her."

Did you just feel some brain dribble out your ears? Me too. And of course this quote came from Out Magazine, so you know Madonna must be telling the truth, even though she is an "icon for the gay community." No, Lourdes, your mother isn't gay. And the white horse in the stable with a toilet paper roll duct taped to its head really is a unicorn.

Category:

• Celebrities

Hitting a Man with Glasses

Some of you may have heard about the autistic high school basketball player in New York. After his dedicated service to the team as a manager, the coach thought it would be a treat to send him in to play the last few minutes of a game, whereupon he scored six 3-pointers, a school record. In three minutes. The boy said in an interview, "I was a pistol...I was on fire!" I guess all that time on the bench he was calculating velocities and trajectories. The coach must be beating himself up for not finding this out sooner. If this sounds like a Disney movie, well, it probably will be; several studios are already seeking out the rights to his story.

This all sounds wonderful and tear-jerking, but I think we're forgetting something: what about the normals? Let's say you're an average kid on the opposing team. What do you tell your friends? You got yo' ass beat by Rain Man?

And try this story on for size: in Cincinnati a quadruple amputee from birth has an 11-10 record in high school wrestling. The guy's got a head, trunk, penis, and 4 stumps, and that's all he needs to pin 11 normals on the mat (it doesn't hurt that missing those 4 limbs puts him into a ridiculously light weight class relative to his upper body strength). You have to watch the video links on the page to get the full effect, but it's pretty obvious this guy makes Christopher Reeve look like a crybaby.

But really, what are you going to do against this guy? Your first impression is to hold back, because you know if you win you're going to get booed out of the gym; it's like pimp-slapping a woman...who doesn't deserve it. Then when you figure out the guy's actually good, you're left fighting for your social life, knowing you're in for a major pantsing if you lose to someone with no arms or legs. You just can't win. I think we need to start a society for able-bodied and able-minded sportsmen: the Society of Average Expectations. No retards allowed.

Category:

• Sports
• Society

A Tale of Two Lines In Midtown Atlanta

This weekend my friends and I have had a lot of discussion about race. These talks mostly centered around the concepts of reaching for the vanilla sky, ice fishing, or finding white girls that are coo-coo for cocoa puffs. The conclusions drawn by my black friends are that whenever you go to a bar/club to hang with your friends, the other dudes in there think you are trolling for white girls, even when you are not. My white friends generally think that type of thinking is fucked up, but then again, they are my friends for a reason.

The discussion continued tonight in Midtown Atlanta. I originally planned to stay in since one of my female acquaintances bailed on me, but another was going to Twisted Taco - so I agreed to go since I haven't seen her in a while. (Just so you are following, they were both white.) I get to the bar at around 11:30pm, a little late and their was a long line. I spent the day washing clothes, so I didn't complain; the line gave me a chance to get my bearings and observe the local fauna. One observation that I noted in my head, and that the cute white girl standing next to me noted aloud was that the line I was in was nearly exclusively white (I am responsible for the nearly) and the line across the street to Dragonfly was mostly black. Then she goes on to tell her friend that the only black guy is the guy standing next to me - and of course she squeezes my arm and apologizes, giving the disclaimer that she didn't mean anything and that she goes to Dragonfly every now and again.

I wasn't offended, but the fact that this discussion keeps coming up was amusing. I wish I had a camera at the time to capture the view of the street - it looked like a scene from the 50s, only the people were more scantily clad. Sometimes I feel like I am the only guy who really does have friends of all races and only looks at the attractiveness of a girl I want to hook up with, not generally the race. Am I? It's not like I am John Cena or something.

Category:

• Race
• Parties

Let's Talk About Paradise Now

http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-3223216,00.html

This is a great interview with Hany Abu-Assad. the Israeli Arab who directed "Paradise Now." For those of you who don't know, "Paradise Now" is a film about suicide bombers, told from their point of view. For some reason, many Israelis are against the film - even though all reports don't deny its impact and attention to the real feelings Palestinians have about the occupation. Now, I am not known for defending Arab interests in general, but what the Israelis are doing to the Palestinians is reprehensible. Israel has every right to defend itself, but there is a line well before taking actions towards making Arabs second class citizens. Abu-Assad makes one really great point here.

[Abu-Assad] recounts an episode in which he was humiliated by a soldier at the Kalandiya checkpoint near Jerusalem, and says this was what made him realize what runs through the heads of people who later become suicide bombers.

You feel like such a coward it kills you, he describes, saying this cowardice makes people start hating life and feel impotent.

I realized, Abu-Assad explains, that when a man systematically goes through such humiliation, he chooses to kill his own impotency by carrying out an act of "let me die with the philistines."

While such a reaction sounds more like the motivation of the Trenchcoat Mafia at your local High School than anything intelligent, the fact that this resentment has been building up over three decades starts to make you wonder what would happen if the Jews in Israel would attempt to treat the Arabs as equals. Jews have had a long history of being treated as second class citizens, you would think that they would make more of an effort to avoid such a monstrous situation.

Category:

• Race
• Politics
• Entertainment

Unintentionally Ironic Statement of the Week

There is so much comedic material in the world of fashion design, I usually don't bother ripping on it, because I like a challenge. What else can you expect from an industry run by gay men and psychotic women whose supposed intention is to make non-psychotic women attractive to non-gay men? But a comment spoken by fashion designer Vivienne Westwood at her recent show was too tempting to pass up, and must win the award for the most unintentionally ironic statement of the week. Actually, I think she gets the top 2:

#2: "I think it is terribly important to have opinions, and to think."

But this one takes the prize:

#1: "The Greek penis is a good luck sign. It suits Leonard [Peltier], because if you're in the wrong place at the wrong time and you get arrested, maybe you're getting jailed for the rest of your life. So you need good luck not to be a criminal."

I don't think you really need the context to appreciate that one. Just stop for a second and think about it (and if you're having trouble with that, see #2).

That's It! I'm Going Back To High School!

http://www.wnd.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=48502

Seriously, why not. I could kick ass as a varsity offensive lineman, get my old job at the construction company and drive a truck, and bang hot horny teachers who have it in for 9th graders.

Here is a quiz. Guess what these women have in common: Amber Jennings, Angela Comer, Angela Stellwag, Deanne Bobo, Heather Ingram, Kristen Margrif, Margeret De Barraicua, Nicole Long, Samantha Solomon, and Rhianna Ellis.

Give up? These women are all convicted of having sex with minors, and guess what ladies and gentlemen - they are all hot enough to have anybody. Click the link above for pics of these women - most of them look very decent in their mugshots... just think what they would look like out on a normal date! Hell, even if they liked them on the young side - there has GOT to be a community college or some trade school with plenty of 18-19 year old guys who would jump at the chance to live out a "My First Sex Teacher" porno scene.

The worst is that it makes the people of Caterina Bonci's Catholic school sound prudent. I guarantee all those still chaste nuns will be reading Whistleblowers's PREDATORS with a gasp and a snicker.

I mean, "Come on!"

Category:

• TeacherWatch

Sexiness vs. Sex

http://www.spectator.co.uk/article.php?id=7421&issue=2006-03-04

The Spectator is hitting a lot of home runs this week. The above linked article by Ariel Levy talks about how sexiness is the new cool, and has nothing to do with sex. Here is a quote.

There is a disconnection between sexiness, or 'hotness', and sex itself. As Paris Hilton told Rolling Stone, 'My boyfriends always tell me I'm not sexual. Sexy, but not sexual.' And any 14-year-old who has downloaded her sex tapes can tell you that Hilton looks excited when she is posing for the camera, bored when she is engaged in actual sex. (In one tape, Hilton took a cellphone call during intercourse.) She is the perfect sexual celebrity for this moment, because our interest is in the appearance of sexiness, not the existence of sexual pleasure.

Exactly. That's why guys like Latina women, they love to hear them scream "Ay Papi!" Nothing like a cheering section. It's amazing how far we have gone down this path. Paris looked ten times hotter in a commerical selling hamburgers for Hardee's than she did in a video where she was completely naked and getting railed. Mmmm, I wonder how she would look selling tacos.

By the way, that is Jenna Jameson and Jenny McCarthy in the picture if you don't recognize them. If this note helped you, then call a coroner... you're heart stopping beating a couple days ago.

Category:

• Sex
• Society
• Relationships

British Girls Are Really Easy

http://www.spectator.co.uk/article.php?id=7424&issue=2006-03-04 (registration required)

 

Supposedly they are significantly more promiscuous than women on the Continent, or even here.  Unfortunately, I have not yet been to the UK (outside a plane change at Heathrow), but I constantly lament how it costs more for me to fly to St. Louis than it does for me to travel to London (airfare prices have dropped as low as $200).  Maybe I should do something about that.  This insight is just insane.

So about this time each year, when Europe’s young men mull over their holiday options, their limited budgets mean that they are apt to forget that what they really yearn for is to sink back into the fragrant, sophisticated embrace of a Collette or Gina; they are rational, they go for what is achievable — a quick knee-trembler by the bins behind the local KFC from a Kylie or a Kelis. They may indeed end up with a pig in a poke, but at least it will be an amenable and accommodating pig. A guaranteed poke in a pig, in fact.

Then again, I am not touching anything that can be referred to as a pig, affectionately or otherwise.  And who hooks up behind a local KFC, or any fast food restaurant for that matter?  The worst I ever did was the parking lot of a Denny's (a much classier establishment) - but at least I tried to stop her until I was no longer in a position to argue.

Category:

• Sex
• Society
• Relationships

Changes and More Changes at Coletrain.org

After reviewing site statistics, store movement at the bodega, numbers of comments, and other metrics till I was blue in the face (not really, I actually enjoy this stuff), I have come to some conclusions.

• Q-Unit is taking the world by storm. From all across America, to the Netherlands, and to the Middle East - people love the combo of 50-cent and Queen. It is driving traffic like you wouldn't believe. In response, I plan to be more pro-active at searching out media content that grabs your attention like Q-Unit, and you will find links to such media on the media page.
• The blog is the major source of non-media traffic. And as it should be, since it is the only thing that is updated on a regular consistent basis. That will change with the media page, and news updates on the main site. The goal is to provide attractive content on the home page, blog, media page, and drive traffic to friendly sites from the new links page. They will in turn drive traffic back and build up ad revenue for all. How nice. Also, check out the categories on the blog sidebar and read the Coletrain.org authors' thoughts on everything that is important to you.
  
• Lots of visitors, few comments. I have learned that comment numbers aren't a strong indication of blog success - and that women tend to get way more feedback than men. I have one strong theory about that situation. (I never met a girl through her blog, but I guess anything's possible.) In any case, feel free to comment all you like, and if demand wishes - I will set up a guestbook or vBulletin or something.
• After reviewing the pricing and selection on the online store dead sober, I realized that I must have been insane when I put it together. I got rid of most of the crap and drastically reduced the price on what's left. Also, any new items will actually have some thought behind them and look cool. So check it out, that "Future MILF" camisole should fit comfortably in your price range now.

Enjoy the changes and keep living the life!

Category:

• Music
• Society