Don't Like "300?" Then You Are Gay

Hey, I don't make the rules...

300 was the best movie playing this weekend. It has everything: gore, blood, war, death, glory, honor, plus plenty of tits for good measure. The best tag lines during the battle were real - quoted by Herodotus himself. It was an epic battle that was begging for a proper treatment by Hollywood, and finally got it. If you couldn't get into this movie - then chances are you should buy plenty of lube, 'cause you are probably gay.

Don't think so? Just check out some of the guys who reviewed this movie below (ratings normalized by Yahoo! Movies).

This is Kyle Smith. He gave "300" a C. This guy is so fruity. He called Gerard Butler, "Onan the Barbarian." Smith wants to lick Leonidas' nut off the ground. Sorry bro, Leonidas only likes real men, like you said "Leonidas is a king who just doesn't like queens." Ms. Kyle, you get an F.
Here's Wesley Morris, he gave "300" a C. Look at this fruit basket. I would figure he would be into a "piece of Hollywood action porn." After seeing your date, I know why you think that the fact Spartans "died to keep the Hot Gates from turning into another gay disco" is a bad thing.
Bob Longino, however, is a bit more manly. He gave the 300 a B. While I question his hetersexuality when he knocks "Paul Bunyan trotting about with a baby blue ox," anyone who mentions the tits present in the movie and a steel cage not there in his review is got to have some sort of manliness.
Richard Roeper, now he is a man's man. He gave "300" an A. Look at that million dollar smile and that thumb's up pose. Looks like he is a lady's man too! This is a guy who can appreciate a real man's movie like the "300." Listen to this quote," This is a movie that revels in a time when men were men and women were women, and the men loved the women but spent most of their time fighting with other men." Now this is a guy who reads history! Let's hear some more. "This is the kind of film that presents battlefield beheadings with the same slow-motion poetry it employs for a soft-core sex sequence, and if you're offended by that, you're at the wrong flick. " Hear that? This movie kicks ass all over the place, and if you don't like it - you can go to the next theatre and watch Mr. Lundegaard and Big Momma try to ride motorcycles with the rest of the fudgepackers.

If you are a real man, or a real woman - go see "300," and you better like it.