A Man's Guide To The Topless Beach

That's neat! Can you tell time with a watch too?

Few things are more uplifting in the summertime than the topless beach. You and your friends are walking along, and then out of nowhere God shines his blessed rays of sunlight on a pair of beautiful tan titays. Our male unevolved brains want to instantly sport wood, turn our eyes in to sauce plates, and our hands into tense boob sized claws. Our male unevolved brains also has no concept of jail. Thankfully, the 10% of the brain we men do use knows what jail is, and is willing to learn what it takes to enjoy the bountiful goodness of the topless beach, without causing undue offense. Here are some tips.

• Wear sunglasses, especially your first time. Sunglasses mask the natural radarlike twisting your neck will do as you look from one succulent chest to another. Plus a decent pair of sunglasses help you feel cool, which will help down the road.
• Avoid twisting your neck like a radar dish. It makes you look like an amateur, and a little creepy. Instead, take in a large view and focus on interesting points from right to left.
• Try to have a general smile the whole time. This will help you avoid a reflexive shit-eating grin when you see a Scarlett Johannsen calibre set.
• Take about ten minutes to scout out your general area, then establish a base a few yards from any topless girls you will be approaching.
• Once you set up base camp, take a dip in the water (bringing along any frisbees, footballs, etc)... this will calm your nerves and give any perspectives a chance to look at you.
• IF you see a benuded girl you want to chat up, be sure to approach her from a vector where she can easily see you coming. Also call out to her from a close, yet safe distance.
• When chatting, maintain eye contact and smile. If she hasn't put on her top by now, feel free to hazard an easy yet quick glance.
• If over the course of your conversation she still hasn't put on her top, feel free to make a cute comment about how the tanning is coming along. If she is not with a significant male other, feel free to offer her a drink.

Follow these rules, and you are guaranteed a day of beautiful views and bountiful scenery.