Fergie sucks

Read this, and if you haven't been watching MTV recently, tell me where you think it came from:

"I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry"

If you answered "a 12-year-old girl's text message to her boyfriend," I wish I could say you were right. This is another mega-hit single from Fergie, the most recent argument that Americans have lost all of their musical standards. I have nothing against songs that don't rhyme, as long as it sounds like you didn't write the lyrics on a napkin in 5 minutes when you were drunk and depressed.

Every singer should be allowed to make one stinker in her career that becomes a financial success. They need to make some money, after all. But by my count Fergie's already made 5:

1. "My Humps": When I first heard this song, I thought to myself, "This might just be the dumbest song ever written." Then I heard everything that came out of her solo career, and now I can't decide.

2. "London Bridge": I'm making your London Bridge go down? Is that a metaphor? Actually, the first verse of this song is an important statement on the state of American injustice: "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, are you ready for this? Oh shit, ohhh, it's me, Fergie."

3. "Fergalicious": Yes, Fergie just wants us to know that she can spell her name and can sort of count. If I recall my developmental milestones lecture from pediatrics, I believe that gives her at least a 4-year-old intelligence. I think Fergie could have a successful career as the hooker in the alley next to Sesame Street.

4. "Glamorous": Yeah, I can really spell! Flossy, flossy!

5. "Big Girls Don't Cry": The first time I heard this song, I was in a Subway, and it gave me a migraine so bad I couldn't finish eating my sub. I thought to myself, "No, this is the worst song I've ever heard. Who does this, Fergie?"

I heard a radio interview in which Fergie claimed her biggest musical inspiration was Motown. Diana Ross should get on the next plane and slap the fuck out of this ho.

"I'll name you Tastey and you Delicious. Do you need me to spell those?"

To be honest, Fergie has one good thing going for her; well, two if you consider cleavage to be an aesthetic dividing line. All of her videos are excellent, as long as your remote has a functional mute button. But the one good thing that she will produce won't be coming out of her mouth, but rather her vagina. Yes, I predict that in the next 5 years she and boyfriend Josh Duhamel (the man-bot from Las Vegas) will bear my future wife, and we will have children who are hot and smart. It will be the golden age of American culture. Until then, invest in some good earplugs.