You Suck at Driving

First, I'd like to say: I'm back, bitches. Now that I've sent in my applications for residency, I have a good 8 months to sit back and relax before I have a real job. And that means you all have the privilege of bearing witness to my wisdom. I thought I would start with one of my best skills: driving.

I have on several occasions been lauded by passengers on my driving skills, the most flattering of which was the descriptor "aggressive, yet rational." This philosophy comprises 3 important skills:

1. Read the "body language" of cars, i.e. predict the actions of other cars based on their behavior and appearance. For example, if you see an Acura, you know the driver is a dick. If a car is skirting the edge of its lane, the driver is getting ready to change lanes quickly without using her turn signal, etc.
2. Visualize the road not as an array of cars but as an array of "windows," i.e. the negative spaces between cars that are available for you to occupy in order to get around slower drivers.
3. Understand driving as a series of probabilities determined by drivers and windows (e.g. the chance of getting into an accident or being caught by a cop), and select the highest probability move you have the stomach for.

Yes, I put a lot of thought into this, but shouldn't you put a lot of thought into something you may be doing 1-3 hours a day and is in reality a series of everyday life-and-death choices? My 3 points might seem a little vague, so I'll give you a practical example and let you practice my method on the road. In the "body language" category, I present the 5 C's of erratic driving:

1. Cell phones
2. Cigarettes
3. Crotchets (old people)
4. Chinese (really Asians in general, but I decided to go with a more PC term than another C)
5. Chicks (I'll let you imagine the C I actually use on this one...)

The next time you're on the road and you see someone driving 40 on the highway, not moving when the light turns green, changing lanes with no warning, or just in general looking completely oblivious to other drivers, take a look at the driver as you pass, and you'll almost always find at least 2 of the C's (most common in the city: chick with cell phone).

I'm sure a lot of women will get offended by this and point out that there are plenty of good female drivers. Well, you're wrong. Men may get into more accidents, but that's because they're trying to avoid the 80-year-old woman with undiagnosed Alzheimer's or the chick that's too busy telling her bff that her bf is an a-hole. How many IndyCar titles has Danica Patrick won? Oh, that's right. Shut up.