The Five Worst Songs of 2007

In a uniquely bad year for music, it is once again time for a chronically jaded man like myself to reflect on the low points, those moments in time when mankind fails to disprove my theory that evolution will never fully eliminate retardation from the common people, or from the celebrities they idolize. Here now are the 5 worst songs of the year. So far.

5. "I Want to Be Your Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne. Do you know how to tell if a song is Canadian? If you can understand every word in the lyrics. Also, if you want to vomit from the lack of original thought. (See also the Barenaked Ladies.)

4. "Umbrella" by Rihanna. Coletrain, Miss Daisy, and I withstood this song while drinking in a bar in St. Louis. Miss Daisy leaned over and told me he was almost ashamed to admit he liked the Mandy Moore version of this song better. Honestly, there's no reason to be ashamed. Mandy Moore is a hot human being; Rihanna is a FemBot. Before each show, her (its?) designers must reprogram her with robotic dance moves and monotone synthesized vocal pitches. They do this for the thrill of lulling insecure middle-aged women into dancing and grinding. So, these programmers are not much different from Coletrain, I suppose.

3. "Hey There Delilah" by the Plain White T's. While eating dinner at a restaurant with my family last month, this song came on the radio, and I remarked, "This is the worst song of 2007." A brilliant musician, by the name of Sagat, showed his deep prescience of future events when he penned the following lines over a decade ago. Nothing I could say could better explain the state of music today:

"Question: Why is it that every time I turn on the radio, I hear the same five songs, fifteen times a day, for three months? C'mon man, funk dat!"

Yes, Sagat, funk dat. Funk dat, indeed.

2. "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie. Shortly after "Hey There Delilah" played at the aforementioned restaurant, this song came on, and I remarked, "No, this is the worst song of 2007." My thoughts on this song are most eloquently expressed in an earlier post.

1. "I Want to Be Your Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne. Shortly after "Big Girls Don't Cry" played at the same exact restaurant on the same exact night, this song came on, and I was forced to admit that I hadn't adequately thought out what the worst songs of 2007 are. It was then that I decided to write this post.

When I hear Avril Lavigne sing, my blood cells self-hemolyze in their own version of ritual suicide. My eyes turn jaundiced. My nostrils explode with pus. My ears leak antifreeze. My mouth spits up dark green bilious vomit. My vocal cords convulse at the horror that others of their kind are being publicly tortured. My internal organs shrivel with the hope that my heart will forget to perfuse them. My anus leaks milkly mucus like the time I ate too much Olestra. My penis effuses with a funeral march of immotile sperm, as if the spermatids themselves had penises that are now castrated.

Avril, you do not want to be my girlfriend. I will fill your mouth with cement and sew it shut.