I'm Your One Black Friend!

What’s up dogg? Ha, just kidding man. Thank God it’s Friday. How’s the job? Mine is boring too, until I see Sheila from accounting with her fine white ass and big white titties. Come on man, you guys have monopolized the Vanilla Sky for too long. Is the game on? No, I meant the hockey game. Dumbass.

Still looking for a girlfriend? No wonder, you look like a chump. A plaid shirt and hunting boots make you look like a serial killa, not a tru playa. Let me change your wardrobe. Let’s get you some looser fitting slacks and an ungodly loud shirt, and accessorize with a chain and a nice watch. Now you won’t be able to keep the women off you.

Now that you are looking fly, let's go out to the dance club!. Awesome, we're just in time for the blackout! Let’s go on the dance floor. What, you can’t dance? Come on, go out there… give it a shot! Ok, ok, wow, lets go back… what were you doing out there? You looked like an albino flamingo having a seizure. No wonder you can’t get any women. Rather than dance, just kinda nod your head to the beat, like its good music, but you are too cool to be bothered. Then when a girl wants to dance, you just kinda let her do her thing in front of you – you play your cards right, all you gotta do is grab her hips every now and again when she grinds on you. How do I know all this? What black guy doesn’t know all this?

No, you can’t say the N-word, I don’t care how cool it is. Even if it is in a rap song. Well, just once. Yeah, you’re my nigga too. Don’t worry, if anyone says anything, just tell them your one black friend said its ok.

While you are at the bar, why don’t you get me a Hypnotiq and Hennessy. Get yourself one too. Yes, it looks and tastes like a blend of antifreeze and motor oil, but Juvenile likes it so it must be good. At least it tastes better than that 40oz Colt 45 you gave me before we left your place. Nobody who has money drinks that shit.

Look’s like you are doing better out there, I hope you get that brunette’s phone number you were grinding on. Where’s the blonde? She just went to the bathroom… she is really digging me man, and if I am lucky, I will be digging her too. She’s totally coo-coo for cocoa puffs. It’s all your fault anyway. You white people worked so hard to keep your sisters and daughters away from black men for so long, the whole white female sex is just overcome by curiosity. Do you think Seal got Heidi Klum because of his rugged good looks? Haha, don’t worry… you white boys still have the Asian strange sewed up. Ok, this is not the proper context to use the N-word.

Hey, thanks for giving me and Sarah a ride to my place. Yeah, I’m sorry you had to see that in your rearview mirror – but you said earlier you liked downloading interracial porn off the internet, so I figured it was ok. I am sure those love stains will come right off the leather with a little soap and water. At least now you have something to talk about in your diversity training class on Monday.

It was good hanging out with you, see you next year!