Humping to Memorial Day

Today is the last Hump Day before Memorial Day. Memorial Day is of course the time to schedule BBQs, bachelor parties, and other drunken events because everyone has next Monday off for no apparent reason.

I am going to be in Atlanta, taking care of some work at home, and trying my absolute best to stay out of trouble.

The weekend will also supply ample time to consider why I wasted half the year watching 24. This show really is like crack. It turns your brain into a fried egg like the commercial, yet you are instantly addicted and forsake all obligations and bonds to enjoy it uninterrupted. I know of guys who gave up sex for 24. You would think with such a loyal following, IMAGINE productions could come up with a season that actually follows the events of a single day. Who has a hard-on for their secretary after a nuclear strike? It seems that Chloe was the only reasonable character on the show - after the events of the day, she passed the fuck out - just like any normal person would.

In other news, puppetry outside Mr. Rogers Neighborhood, Thunderbirds, and Team America: World Police sucks ass. Especially Atlanta's Xperimental Puppet Theatre 2007, a two hour ordeal filled with cacophonic guitar riffs, strange cabinets filled with UV lights and talking creatures that look like John Wayne Bobbitt's trimmed bobbitt, and a full 20 minutes of a weird sun setting on the sea scene (which unfortunately was the best one). I went to this thing with some folks and left with a headache worse than the time I got sucker punched in middle school. Nothing is more boring than artists trying to be interesting.

Above is Nikki Cox (of course) showing off her humps, her lovely lady lumps.

Tuesday Update - Who Parties on Monday?

Always bet on black.

Tuesday is the new Monday for me. Monday still has some excitement from 24 and random things going on, so Tuesday becomes the new "holy-crap-I-gotta-go-back-to-work" day.

Southeast sectionals was a bust last Sunday. I lost most of my bouts by a lot. It just wasn't my day. I will have a more detailed post mortem at Vader later this week. I wasn't too concerned when I found out that my event that started with 47 of some of the best male epeeists in the Southeast had grown to 74 of the best. I had a shot at qualifying for Division IA (top 25%) with 47 - at 74 there was little hope. The one A07 in my club barely qualified, and there are only two qualifiers from Georgia total. I am fencing in Division II for Nationals, that is good enough for this year.

The other annoying thing was that two cute fencer girls from Tennessee , one is on my Facebook, totally dissed me on Sunday. No love at all. I was hanging around waiting for pools, but not even a good luck wave. It was really weird - most fencers you will ever meet are friendly and gregarious at competition.

Monday was interesting. I hung out with two hot German girls, who are MBA students at Mississippi State. They were both 23 and wanted to party hard in Atlanta... on Monday. I put in a yeoman's effort to find something interesting - but we seemed doomed from the start. Midtown had a couple places open, but nothing was kicking, or worth leaving the neighborhood. Unfortunately, there was no consensus on simply hitting the liquor store and getting hammered at my place. Perhaps I need to stock Jagermeister in my freezer along with Goldschlager.

I did get to see 24 when we got back... it was actually pretty good. I was totally expecting the Chinese to kidnap Morris again; the pursuit of the kid was a nice twist. And having VPOTUS Daniels watch while his aide gets railed was kinda funny.

24: Girls Girls Girls

Damn, Jack.

Last night was insane. Fake nukes. Jack Bauer killing everyfuckingbody. Milo thinks with his dick. Tits McGee is alive. Evil Chinaman is still in picture.

Let's start with the interesting stuff. Milo is a tough guy, taking a bullet to save Jack's booty call, but man he is a pussy. Once a hot female gets in the picture he turns into a catty bitch like Rachel McAdams in Mean Girls. First Chloe, the lucky booty call, and now Nadia, the star of a 1001 Sexy Arabian Nights. Nadia likes new Agent Scott because he actually knows the Koran, and what woman can resist a guy who can quote Shari'a law as he punches her kitty doggy. The next few episodes are gonna focus on Milo hating getting out played and what really happened with Scott in Denver.

Everywhere I go, I see the same...

The next biggest thing is Audrey, Tits McGee, is still alive. Keep in mind that Jack hasn't gotten laid since he pounded the single mother previous to the first hour of Day 5. Now that Jack knows he can finally get some after months of Chinese torture - nothing is getting in his way.

Nadia and Audrey, these two will make next week's episode actually interesting.

Oh, and the suitcase nukes were secured. Yay.

24: Would You Die For Jack Bauer?

You would die for me too...

So in addition to stopping another nuke (that's two so far, right? This season alone?), Jack finds out that his babygirl, Audrey Raines, is dead. Not only is she dead, she died trying to find him in China. In fact, she is the one who found out it was the Chinese that abducted him. My favorite line from last night was on this subject: "Audrey put her life on the line because she thought I was worth it!" I half expected him to add, "and not just because I am a champ in bed."

Since Jack's Dad and Graem seemed to be the only ones definite about what happened to him, and therefore may have planned Audrey's death - it looks like there will be yet another father son showdown. I wonder how this one will end. The only uncertainity about 24 is whether Jack will EVER get a happy ending.

At this point 24 is like turkey meat smoked in heroin... after a few bites I am addicted, but I am not sure why. Jack Bauer is officially the new Batman/Capt. Kirk - and I am really not into the superhero thing.

It's amazing how the newest science fiction drama is less farfetched than an action cop show. Battlestar Galactica (the new one) is becoming one of the best shows on television. Thanks to TiVo, I don't miss an episode. The plots are complicated, the good guys aren't great, the bad guys have their moments, and sometimes it is hard to root too hard for one side or the other.

Let's compare 24 vs. BG. Here is a synopsis of the latest from 24. Jack is rescued from a Russian Consulate, finds out where the terrorist and the bombs are. CTU fucks it up because there is a leak. CTU finds leak, while the Veep plans to nuke a random Arab country if another nuke blows up. Jack finds out Audrey is dead, gets pissed. Jack finds remote pilot of nuke armed drone, saves the day. VP decides to blow up Arab country anyway - making a cliffhanger. Gold.

Here is the latest from BG. Lee Adama, the Admiral's son, decides to defend Former President Baltar during his genocide trial. The Admiral and Lee have been at odds after another pilot, Kara, was killed. (Lee was in love with her, without realizing that the Admiral truly loved her as a daughter.) Everyone pretty much agrees that Balter is an asshole, so Lee isn't too popular. However, nothing is ever crystal clear. Through the cross-examinations - Lee has alienated everyone that cared about him and gave him support, including his soon to be ex-wife. Lee argues that he is protecting the system, while his wife points out there is something wrong with a system that supports an asshole like Balter. By the way, Lee gives up a chance to bang Kara to reconcile with his wife weeks ago. So now Lee is fatherless, womanless, no friends - all for trying to do the right and proper thing. What is the better show?

Plus, the new BG is headed up by Admiral Adama, portrayed by a great man named Edward James Olmos.

I'll cut you.

EJO is the original Latin badass. He was the original Castillo in Miami Vice! This is the guy who made frowning and mumbling the most threatening way to communicate. In fact, just for scale, here are the other Latin badasses in history in rank order.

1. Edward James Olmos
2. Julius Caesar
3. Scipio Africanus - Defeated Hannibal
4. Michael Corleone
5. Edward James Olmos
6. John Gotti
7. Speedy Gonzales
8. Pablo Escobar
9. Hernan Cortes
10. Franscisco Pizzaro

Edward James Olmos vs. Kiefer Sutherland. Who you got?

24: Maybe I'm The Racist

Brothers... In Charge

At the last few minutes of 24 last night, I flipped out again. It looks like Wayne Palmer isn't dead, but he is effectively neutralized... allowing the Vice President to take over for at least a few episodes, if not the whole season. This also gives credence to the urban legend that the FBI or Secret Service called Joel Surnow (exec producer of 24) and warned him against actually killing a sitting president on the show. Either way, they took my boy out.

I don't know about you, but I hated the way Tom Lennox and the other white conspirators talked about him. "Oh, he isn't right for the country," or "we are saving our nation," or "why won't that dumb n-word listen to reason..." The last part I made up, but it didn't feel out of context when I imagined it. I am sure Surnow and Sutherland are trying to have a very colorblind show - at least when it comes to black/white relations... its still ok to hate Arabs on 24 - but there are certain realities in America that need to be taken into account.

For one, the mixed race ticket is a recipe for disaster. If you have a white POTUS, and a black veep - every gangbanger on the Eastern seaboard will be gunning for the top guy. With the reverse, you will have every klansmen and skinhead with more guns then sense trying to restore the white order by taking out the black top man. Race issues have dominated the American psyche for 90% of our history... don't tell me that you don't read race into these issues too.

Secondly, there is the tokenism. The one black guy is the president with conspiring white guys out to get him. The one Arab chick is a high ranking analyst at CTU, trapped by xenophobic policies. All the Arab men are terrorists. Where is the anonymous Asian analyst with no race specific backstory? Or the Hispanic field agent? Or the Indian guy who is not playing an Arab terrorist? Or anyone who is a non-white actor playing a role that could be covered by any given race? Too often I think Hollywood subscribes to the notion that white people are generic, and ethnic minorities need to bring their own experience into the role. Sure, there is benefit to that - but not in every single show. 24 doesn't have to be Roots every season, or El Cid.

As an aside, I thought it was awesome when Chloe went searching for Morris, and freaked out when the guy was just trying to take a shit. I guess someone does stop to actually use the facilities, after all.

24: Today's Star Trek

You're doing great. Let me concentrate on the road, you will know when to stop.


It was hard to watch 24 last night. Not because of the nuke, or the torture with items easily found around any home... just the fact there is really nothing new any more. There is a reason Fox leads into the show with the line, "The nonstop action of 24!" Without the nonstop action and beeping clock, there really isn't any point.

What new things 24 brings to television.

- Beeping clock with realtime action.
- Lots and lots of torture.
- Multiple black presidents. Much respect to my brothas DB Woodside and Dennis Haysbert!

What's not new.

- Everything else.

The evil father/Darth Vader thing was kinda the last straw. You saw it coming, it had to happen, but it was so obvious ("Hey, let me take my grandson out of this protective area. Trust me, I won't use him to extort your cooperation") it made me want to switch to SciFi and watch an Enterprise rerun. At least then I know I will see something new... who watched that show on its first run anyway?

Speaking of Enterprise, has anyone realized that Jack Bauer is this generation's Captain Kirk?


I can't wait to see Kiefer turn into Denny Crane in three decades!


Think about it. Captain Kirk got all the alien strange he could handle. Bauer nearly got road head from his dead brother's widow last night. Not to mention he was forced to hook up with the chick that killed his wife. If that isn't alien strange, I don't know what is.

Then you have the AWAY/TAC teams. On Star Trek, if your name wasn't Kirk, Spock, Bones and you had a red shirt on... if you had a brain you would do whatever it takes to sit out that mission. If you are on a TAC team and your name is not Jack Bauer (you need more than his family name on this one), I suggest you bury your face in your balls in CTU - unless you want to get blasted.

Then there are the transporters. Kirk had Scotty transporting him anywhere and everywhere back then. Is that normal? Helicopters are doing the same thing for Jack... It's like it's 1962 all over again on 24.

Don't forget that Kirk was always smarter than everyone else. Back at Starfleet Academy he cheated and beat the unbeatable computer problem and made himself a legend. Jack Bauer was tortured by the Chinese, the experts, for two years without saying a word. Morris was kidnapped and tortured for an hour with a baseball bat, a bathtub filled with water, and a power drill. After that, he programmed a computer to nuke the fucking country. How believable is that?

I have two, you have none.

No body had more sack than Captain Kirk. Whether it was fucking the alien pussy, or entering the neutral zone to fight the Klingons, he was the ballsiest guy around. Jack Bauer ate a guy. Yet no one else on this show can stand up against the enemy for more than a few minutes.

So basically 24 is Star Trek with more important non-Klingon black people, and more torture. I will probably keep watching because like Star Trek, its gonna be one of those shows people talk about for decades. Now Airwolf, that's a show worth remembering.

24: God Bless MySpace

I will fuck up anyone in order to protect this country.

Rather than make my mad dash towards home at 8:42pm Monday night - giving me precisely 18 minutes to race down GA-400 and up I-75 in order to make it home in time for "the nonstop action of 24," I stayed a little longer at fencing practice and had dinner with 8MileGirl. She asked if I TiVo'd the show, and I said I didn't bother - thinking at worst I would just read the minute by minute summary of the episode on Fox.com. But thanks to a guy out west called Tom - I was able to watch the show commercial free last night at my convenience. On MySpace. Yes, MySpace the high school stalking website. (Facebook 4-eva!) Never mind MySpace is probably the most unwieldy of the socialnets out there - they have fucking 24 on demand! That is worth a few lost messages any day.

Beefcake on white. Boo-yah!

In other news that is not significant, the Big Lead praises the pimp hand of Stuart Scott. I've pulled some pretty cool playa moves, especially when I was up in Minnesota (Indian for the land without Steak 'n Shake or Chick-Fil-A) but none like this. I don't care how white certain people say the Stu is - it takes real talent to pull women consistently in Bristol when a) there are sport stars and opportunities to meet them all around b) you are married and c) there are hardily any women to fight over... period.

Maybe they should bring Stuart on 24 as sort of a new Curtis Manning. But instead of simply following orders, Stu could say "Jack, Fayed is inside the house. You got this right? 'Cause I gotta head next door to meet a... contact. Give me 45 minutes."

24 - They Killin' All The Brothas!

"There goes my hero, watch him as he goes!"


One of the things you have to accept on 24 is Jack Bauer knows best. In fact when they finally make the feature film, they should just call it Jack Knows Best, Mr. President. So far this guy ate a man, stole one car, carjacked another, destroyed a military operation approved by the President, helped a career terrorist get amnesty, and then killed his senior tac team leader - my boy Curtis.

Man, first Prez David Palmer, and now Curtis. Jack was kicking Curtis' ass for the last six seasons, and he still stood by Jack's crazy ass. "Curtis, you can't know where I am going - so I gotta knock your black ass out." Fuck all that. Curtis wasn't perfect - he's not Jack Bauer - but he was dependable and got the job done. So the one time he snaps... watching the career terrorist who killed his entire squad in the Gulf War get a presidential walk would fuck anyone up... Jack shoots him in the fucking throat. Poor Jack, he has to run off and retch and cry like a bitch, we are supposed to feel sorry for him.

If they kill off Wayne Palmer, I'm not sure I can keep watching.


Big deal.


Oh, and the terrorists nuked Los Angeles.

Top Ten Un-PC Lessons of 24

Damn, I'm kinda hungry.

I hope you guys didn't miss 24 last night, else you are in some trouble. A lot of the blogosphere is talking about the vampirism and the need to suspend basic beliefs to watch the show. Damn all that. Here at The Tales I am going to tell you about the real life lessons you can apply from 24, today. Enjoy.

1. If you have a top secret clearance project that can only succeed with zero interference, just keep this little factoid in mind - women are chatty.
2. If you are a committed terrorist leader who wants to blow up the American hoi polloi on a public bus - you are better off with an East Asian kid vs. a Middle Eastern one anyday. Hint: there are plenty of Chinese looking Muslims in Indonesia and Malaysia, just be sure they use a Microsoft Zune for the detonator.
3. In The Dirty Dozen, Maj. Reisman (Lee Marvin) gives his troops a nice night with hookers and booze before sending them to their deaths at the hands of the Nazis. Jack Bauer can't even get a sandwich?
4. Xenophobia is like blackjack... the odds are always against you, but you are gonna pick the right cards every now and again. I wonder how Kal Penn's career will fare after his terrorist role.
5. Cops say it all the time, but its always shocking to witness - nobody (in power) wants a hero. A live one anyway.
6. Know your limits. The Chinese, who have tortures named for them, spent two years with Jack Bauer, and yet you think you can make him suffer? Then you leave him alone in a room? Like I said above, the man is hungry.
7. The new President Palmer may turn out to be a bigger wimp than last season's prez. I don't care about anyone's standards for justice and integrity - no government official is going to arrest a relative of the president without him or at least the Secret Service signing off on it. Where were her guards anyway?
8. Women love a smack on the ass - especially in tense situations. It makes them feel protected and sheltered.
9. Save a terrorist's life, you earn his thanks. Help him torture a traitor, you earn his respect.
10. For people who remember GI JOE, the Cobra helicopters flying to blow up the terrorist bungalow in Inglewood must have really screwed you up. Especially when you have President Palmer directing the battle from "a remote location." President Palmer is the Cobra Commander? I don't know what to believe any more!

More updates after the second half of the premiere tonight!

The Only Event That Matters This Weekend...

America's Warrior on Terror

...Is 24. The four hour start to the season begins Sunday at 8pm, and I can't friggin wait. I am skipping fencing on Monday for this, and all my friends know that is a HUGE deal. It's ok, I will just practice choking ("Squeeze the handle, push the button...") and sleeper holds on my boxing dummy for a couple hours before the Monday show begins.

I've seen the teasers, and from what I can tell - Jack Bauer is pissed. Just think how pissed you are when you spend $6 on a box of chicken fried rice and you are hungry as hell an hour later. For Jack, multiply that feeling by a billion. Then add on the fact that before he was captured by the Chinese - he was about to get laid by at least two chicks. Now that's classic cockbrocking [sic] if I have ever seen it.

It also looks like there is going to be another black president. Awesome. The new guy doesn't seem to be as cool as Dennis Haysbert, but he is close. I think he is even a better fictional president than Morgan Freeman. Morgan reminds you of an old grandfather or uncle - the one that tells you everything is gonna be alright and you believe him. Denny Haysbert is like your father or big brother who says everything is gonna get pretty fucked up - but we will make it. And you believe him too because he is an easy going guy who will kick your ass for weeks if you start trouble.

There are other things going on in the world this weekend - but the only thing that truly matters is 24.