AI: The Good and the Ugly

Yes, it's back for another season, and with the writers' strike after-effect encroaching on new shows for another few months, American Idol is about the only thing out there worth watching (with the exception of Moment of Truth). I again assume my duty to give you the most accurate blow-by-blow accounts from someone who actually performs and listens to music with a critical ear, plus a healthy dose of politically incorrect name-calling.

For now, the field is too huge to go into detail, so I'll just list my favorites (to see how far they'll go) and take some cheap shots at the rest. For reference, the contestant list can be found here. So first, my top 3:

1. Asia'h (aka Mocha): The extra-apostrophed next member of the Jordin-Fantasia faction, but as far as I can tell she can sing better than either of them. She had plenty of chances to add annoying Mariah Carey-esque melismas into her performances, but chose instead to let her straight voice dominate, proving herself to be mature and confident. I only hope that strategy works with the audience.
2. David Archuleta (aka Puppy Dog): An early favorite among the ravenous 10-year-old girl crowd that runs the early voting. His voice has a wide variety of timbres for someone so young.
3. Michael (aka the Aussie): The comparison Simon made to INXS' Michael Hutchence is accurate. Unfortunately, his version of "Light My Fire" was indistinguishable from the Doors' (except for his weird tendency to give the word "fire" two distinct syllables), making me question his originality and creativity. Hutchence, by the way, is famously rumored to have died from autoerotic asphyxiation. Not relevant here, but there's no way I could ignore adding that.

And now, for the cheap shots:
The Gay One: Colton was voted off on the first week, blaming his "theater" background. Are there any straight musicals?
The Really Gay One: Danny is still alive, despite doing a much worse rendition of an Elvis song than Colton. This guy easily cocks in (I mean "clocks in," damn you Freud!) as the gayest top-24 contestant ever, and yes I remember Clay Aiken.
The Hot One: Sadly, the moron voters have already axed the hottest contestant, Amy, who kind of reminded me of Katherine McPhee with a smaller cup size. Blonde dunce Kady will have to take the Hot One mantle until she gets voted off next week.
That Annoying Reggae Fan You Hated in College: Jason Castro, a white guy with blue eyes and full-on dreadlocks. Where's my hippie-hunting rifle? Ah, here it is.
Ego Alert: Chikezie has no last name, all the ego of a professional singer, and none of the talent. I hope he sticks around a few more weeks for entertainment purposes.
X-Man Alert!: How did Rogue end up on American Idol!?

More updates to follow. This year might be the lowest-rated, but I'll be damned if it's the least entertaining.

American Idol: the Winners, the Losers, and the Boobs

I can't let Coletrain show me up on AI updates. I fortunately have a single weekend before my gynecology rotation to get a load off my chest. See, I managed to write that whole sentence without a boob joke! First, the top three:

1. Melinda. Unless the audience becomes bored by her complete dominance every week, she's the next champion. I actually think it's unfair for a backup singer to compete, because backup singers are usually more technically proficient than leads. While leads like Madonna or Britney can make up for mediocre voices with stage presence, ample breasts, or off-stage slutting, wallflower backups actually have to sing well in order to get on stage. Except for Ashley Simpson, of course, who sings her own backups, which still suck.

2. Blake. Being the only male with talent, his mix of modern styles, Snow-inspired beatboxing (I hope that reference wasn't too obscure), spiky hair, and metrosexual dress will bring in a hefty constituency of tween girls and middle-aged gays. This is my chance to mention that teenage girls are the one greatest reason for why music sucks today. And all you offended chicks old enough to remember NKOTB, you know why. The other reason why music sucks? Lyrics like "I'm hot 'cause I'm fly, you ain't 'cause you not." Or should that be "'kause," yo?

3. Gina. AKA pseudo-goth chick. I mentioned her as a dark horse in my last post, but I think she'll take 3rd place after the God-singer vote condenses around Melinda. She has a great voice, and may help fill this season's black hole of well-proportioned chests (no, not literally, I said no boob jokes!). After her vote-off, she will immediately take her rightful place in an Evanescence wannabe band. Way to go, pseudo-goth chick! Naperville rox!

And now, for the losers:

Antonella. Yeah, this one's a little old, but I think people missed the boat on analysis here. Poor girl says on her profile that her most embarrassing moment was "Saying the wrong things before I think." Sure. Well, there was a lot of flack that she was not booted off immediately after her embarrassing moments were ejaculated online, much as the fate that befell Frenchie from a previous season. This, said the experts, was racism. Hmm...maybe it's because one was morbidly obese? Actually, the reason is pretty obvious: Frenchie could have won and dealt Simon Cowell his own embarrassing moment. Antonella, well, you saw what happened to her. Case closed.

Sanjaya. Like a pit stain refractory to multiple bleachings, here's the most talentless kid in all of AI stage history. So everyone's blaming the website votefortheworst.com for keeping this vaginoma in the competition. They're forgetting both a long-standing pity vote and the unknown constituency supporting his family's jewels (Damn, a boob joke!). He will eventually lose as legitimate singers' voters coalesce, but in the meantime it would be helpful to look at this phenomenon. AI itself is partly to blame, because the show has always been a little too Disney owing to the fact that singers can only sing covers karaoke-style; if they forced singers to write their own songs and impress their audience with originals, the dregs would sink away pretty fast. As for the VFTWers, who purport to just be having a little fun, these people sound a lot like that kid you knew in junior high who liked to play soccer with stray cats as balls. It's amusing the first time, but then you just feel ashamed for not interfering. Like ordering a tranny stripper for your best friend's bachelor party. No boob jokes necessary.

Sorry for the long post. Well, it's back to diseased vaginas for me. Remember, kids: bacterial, not viral. See you all in six weeks.

American Idol Update

I know that many of you are jonesing for some of Nati's American Idol coverage, but since med school has him tied down, I have included something to tide you over.




Wow, that was nice wasn't it? Here is another highlight from American Idol...




Wow, this show is great! I wonder what the singing is like?

Native American Idol

"People start political correctness. People can stop it."

Man, Indians just can't get no respect. First the bleeding hearts at the Univ of Illinois have finally succeeded in banning Chief Illiniwek, whose origin was an homage to the Indians who gave the state (and university mascot) its name. I'm certain that the very public and disgraceful way in which liberals beat him down will do wonders for acceptance of their cult of multiculturalism. I can't wait for the Atlanta Native Americans Who Preach Tolerance While Maintaining a Judicious Amount of Cultural Identity to take the baseball field next month.

And now there's an Indian guy on American Idol. Yeah, yeah, he's the other kind, but it's nice to see one not sitting behind the counter of a 7/11, scrubbing in for brain surgery, or screeching to one of those awful Bollywood songs (don't deny it, you know those songs suck). Too bad the kid's awful in his own right; his terrible rendition of Stevie Wonder's "Knocks Me Off My Feet" should have gotten him kicked off tonight, though he scraped by on a pity vote.

Which brings me to the new season. I think people respect my keen knowledge of pop music, and would like to hear my early picks to click, since I can cut through all the fluff. Well, here they are:

On the men's side, I'm sick to announce that I think the front-runners are Blake (the ambiguously gay guy with the ambiguously gay name, spiky hair, and wiggerish beatboxing habit) and Chris Sligh (the fat version of Justin Guarini). They were the only ones to sing in key, picked appropriate songs for their talents, and actually have personalities that aren't sickeningly inspirational (Says Blake: the toughest obstacle in my life is "the obstacles of life"). As long as they don't get any gayer, I may end up supporting them...we'll see.

On the women's side, it's brown sugar all the way. All of the sistas could sing circles around their honkey competition. This was sadly proven true tonight as America voted off the two hottest salt licks on the show. However, if they stick to over-indulgent gospel/Aretha songs and start getting big heads, they may be upset. The two dark (heh) horses are the red-headed flat-chested lupus girl (who can sing well, as long as she stays away from karaoke songs like "Natural Woman") and the pseudo-goth chick. There's a lot to choose from here, so we'll have to wait until the chaff gets weeded out.

I once went to the infamous Halloween weekend at Ohio University, and an Indian Indian guy with us went as an American Indian, complete with hide tunic and headdress. I went as a cross between Duff McKagan and a coke whore, but I guess that's neither here nor there. My point is that if Indians and Indians can become one, maybe there's hope for this messed-up world after all.

Vote for Katherine McPhee

This is why you should not vote for Taylor Hicks tonight on American Idol.


This is why you should vote for Katherine McPhee.

UPDATE (5/24): America, you suck.

Category:

• Music
• Entertainment

R.I.P. Elliott Yamin

So the most distinctive voice of the competition, Elliott's, was silenced yesterday on American Idol. In an near statistical impossibility, the margin between first and third was 0.62%, which made me feel guilty for not voting, until I realized that each individual vote would contribute about 0.000002% to the total. Elliott is the Jewish Stevie Wonder, so this was probably the work of the KKK, i.e. Taylor Hicks' "Soul Patrol." My only solace is that hot stuff is still around.

I predicted Katherine McPhee would win, and I now stand by that prediction even more, barring some horrible breakdown in the finals. Each of the final 3 contestants have equally-sized constituencies, and I think it's safe to say the majority of Elliott's fans will vote for McPhee over the Karaoke King. Then again, I've been underwhelmed by this show in the past, and by the American people in general, so if the populus desires a mix of easy listening and '60s white dance music, they have found their messiah. But Katherine has a certain feminine Mystique that should help her pull through. And if you didn't get that joke, I salute you for passing the nerd test.

As far as post-AI careers go, I think Chris Daughtry has a better chance than any of these three. He has already been re-offered lead vox for Fuel, and I advise him to take it, if only to prevent another one of those kinds of bands from coming into existence. Says the bald ego, "I'm a songwriter myself...To be able to launch my own career would be a dream." Let me be the first to squash that dream: How many of you remember Corey Clark? See, Chris? Katherine has a real chance at a good career, I guess, if she stops pretending to be Kelly Clarkson. In fact, I wish she would, because it's about time female singers explored more range than shrill to glass-shattering. We'll see.

P.S. If I have to hear that damned Daniel Powter consolation music ever again, I will shoot myself. I have a new term for Powter, Gavin DeGraw, James Blunt, Coldplay, Aqualung, and all other urban white male emos with piano: skull-cap rock. Don't steal it.

Category:

• Music
• Entertainment

There Can Be Only One...and it isn't Chris Daughtry

So we move on from Coletrain's guilty pleasure, Highlander (gee, can't imagine why all the "Matt Cole gay" traffic gets shuttled here), to mine, American Idol. I wasn't going to say anything this week, as both my favorite voice (Elliott) and favorite body (see here, and damn, I thought I liked her chest best!) survived, but hearing all the gnashing of teeth over the premature loss of Scott Stapp-wannabe Chris Daughtry, I have no choice. (I figure he doesn't want to be Scott Stapp anymore, though.)

I could tolerate all the whining that the best singer has just been voted off, because it's true: Daughtry has perfect pitch, an uncanny understanding of pop music styles, and a strong yet non-karaoke stage presence (the perfect package, if only he had boobs...and was a woman). But after reading Robin Givhan's bitchfest in the beacon of truth Washington Post, I had to say something. And that something is, "Get Over Yourself!"

This show has not produced one single star since its first season, and even Kelly Clarkson hasn't reached superstar status yet. As I've explained in previous posts, the contestants have great voices that are wasted on singing covers exclusively, so they're doomed from the beginning. Givhan's title, "We Get the Idols We Deserve," is something I heard a hundred times out of Democrats' mouths in 2000 and 2004, and this time it's only slightly more relevant. But this line takes the cake: "In Daughtry, America had the opportunity to choose distinctiveness, confidence and cool. Instead, it chose bland and boring." Yeah, Daughtry's distinctive, if you haven't heard of Creed, Fuel, Filter, Nickelback, assorted other forgettable one-name bands, and while I'm at it, Pearl Jam. Yeah, I said it. The irony is that it's probably better for Daughtry that he lost, because he won't be tied up in Cowell's restrictive contracts, and can look for work heading one of the aforementioned one-namers.

I like American Idol, but not because I think I'm going to listen to the winner's albums, or ever bother to follow up on any of the contestant's careers. I watch because it gives me the rare moment to watch good kids with good voices (and sometimes good bodies) sing good songs, before they're swallowed up in a world of affectation, self-destructive egos, payola scandals, and Pearl Jam. Yeah, I said it.

Katherine McPhee has a HUGE, ur...voice

Katherine McPhee survived yet another round of elimination on American Idol, and is still my pick to click for the final (I had no sexual overtones in mind when I wrote that, I swear). I had no worries, though, since the singer who was eliminated yesterday, country moron Kellie Pickler, "boochered" her songs two weeks in a row.

But I'm not here to talk about her vocal performance. Really, I'm not here to talk about anything. Just look and enjoy.

...And by the way, I don't think it counts as a wardrobe malfunction if you're the one malfunctioning your wardrobe.

Ace Young is Gay...or sings like it, anyway

Well, I'm glad we could clear up this controversy. After last week's American Idol showed a video of Queen guitarist Brian May reaming out Ace Young (figuratively, of course) for trying to gay up "We Will Rock You," May has cried foul and accused the show of making it look like he was 100% negative. Says May, "It was actually pretty damn good, I thought." This proves that Freddie was the brains behind that band, because it sucked, though not nearly as much as when Young showed his "scar" off to the ladies while singing a Train song. Girl, does this skull cap make me look fat? Even his name puts him in ambiguous company.

Now on to the real reason I'm writing this. American Idol is a show that gets criticized as one of those lowest denominator shows by whiny elitists whose favorite bands are indies you've never heard of. Let's get one thing clear first off: these guys can sing circles around Madonna or Coldplay, even Ace can. So why do they fail? How can the most popular show on TV produce the lamest crop of pop singers since New Kids on the Block stopped fellating each other and starting producing records? I can't believe no one pointed this out before, but: they're singing covers. That's great for show ratings, because people are familiar with the songs, which are vetted to be enjoyable for mass audiences. But after you've watched someone sing nothing original for 12 weeks, you can't imagine him sing anything but covers, and he fails as a recording artist. I'd like to see one week of original performances on Idol, but I doubt that'll ever happen. I'll just have to entertain myself by watching Paula Abdul descend further into madness. I'd rather hear "Cold-Hearted Snake" again.

Now, as far as handicapping goes, I'm confident (or at least hopeful) that Ace will fall this week. My fearful guess is that the bald Creed-wannabe guy will win and revive that musical embarrassment I call "constipation rock" for another year or so. I'm rooting for Katherine McPhee, because she can sing, she's sexy (as compared to Christina Aguilera's trampy), and she's fucking hot. That would at least make up for ditching the even hotter but talentless Becky O'Donohue on the first week.

Category:

• Entertainment
• Celebrities

Leave My Girl Paula Alone, Hataz!!

http://channels.netscape.com/ns/news/story.jsp?id=2005080408330002594743&dt=20050804083300&w=RTR&coview=

Why is anyone still talking about this? This no ass-getting ass clown from Hollywood Reporter wants to see my babygirl fired. He is so disturbed because American Idol lost credibility over the whole Corey Clark thing.

The only thing I find disturbing is that Corey Clark is hideous and a felon - I would make a much better target for Ms. Abdul's affections. Personally, I think the grand prize for the highest placing male on American Idol should be an all expenses paid date with Paula, complete with a bottle of Goldschlager and a handle of the Captain to make sure that the night ends
well. A recording contract should be a consolation prize.

The only person at fault here is Corey Clark. That asshole. All this help and assistance from the most sympathetic judge on a three judge panel and you still didn't fucking win? And even after you got kicked off the show, rather than savor the sweet memories you shared with Paula; or better yet, try to rekindle them with kind words with a dash of blackmail, you out her
to the world! WTF?? (and I don't meant Wu-Tang Financial!)

Corey Clark is a dipshit. And if I catch him in the street, I and the MC Scat Cat are going to put a foot in his ass sideways. And that's real.