24: Girls Girls Girls

Damn, Jack.

Last night was insane. Fake nukes. Jack Bauer killing everyfuckingbody. Milo thinks with his dick. Tits McGee is alive. Evil Chinaman is still in picture.

Let's start with the interesting stuff. Milo is a tough guy, taking a bullet to save Jack's booty call, but man he is a pussy. Once a hot female gets in the picture he turns into a catty bitch like Rachel McAdams in Mean Girls. First Chloe, the lucky booty call, and now Nadia, the star of a 1001 Sexy Arabian Nights. Nadia likes new Agent Scott because he actually knows the Koran, and what woman can resist a guy who can quote Shari'a law as he punches her kitty doggy. The next few episodes are gonna focus on Milo hating getting out played and what really happened with Scott in Denver.

Everywhere I go, I see the same...

The next biggest thing is Audrey, Tits McGee, is still alive. Keep in mind that Jack hasn't gotten laid since he pounded the single mother previous to the first hour of Day 5. Now that Jack knows he can finally get some after months of Chinese torture - nothing is getting in his way.

Nadia and Audrey, these two will make next week's episode actually interesting.

Oh, and the suitcase nukes were secured. Yay.

American Idol Update

I know that many of you are jonesing for some of Nati's American Idol coverage, but since med school has him tied down, I have included something to tide you over.




Wow, that was nice wasn't it? Here is another highlight from American Idol...




Wow, this show is great! I wonder what the singing is like?

Highlander... And Other Date Movies

With this cast, it is worth another sequel!

Not too long ago I was bitching about Helen Mirren and her nutty movie Shadowboxer, also starring the other Cube. While I maintain that this movie is the worse date movie rental ever, the folks in the linked comments probably would agree. They would rather watch the movie alone with a box of Kleenex and private label Vaseline.

Shadowboxer is so bad, I actually ran an experiment to see if I could hook up while watching my favorite movie of all time, Highlander. Now, I chose this movie because a) many people who refer to themselves as my friends say it is absolutely horrible and is better portrayed by bunnies and b) in the worst case I still get to watch my favorite movie. Of course, I cheated and selected a Scottish girl as the test subject, and she was impressed that at least one character besides Sean Connery was actually Scottish. Other than that she hated the movie, but we still kicked it.

Other movies I know of that are better date movies than Shadowboxer:

• Ray
• Varsity Blues
• The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
• Evil Dead 2
• Higher Learning

Now of course I am not saying these movies will get you laid, if you need a movie to seal the deal you have no hope. But then again, Ray was the most sexualized movie I have seen outside porn, and The Good... is a movie that engenders both active watching and works as background noise.

Now if I find a girl who wants to hook up to Beavis and Butthead DVDs, I may just shop for a ring.

UPDATE: Highlander 5: The Source... In theatres this September! I will see it on my birthday!

UNSEXY UPDATE: Highlander: The Source was fucking awful!!!

24: Would You Die For Jack Bauer?

You would die for me too...

So in addition to stopping another nuke (that's two so far, right? This season alone?), Jack finds out that his babygirl, Audrey Raines, is dead. Not only is she dead, she died trying to find him in China. In fact, she is the one who found out it was the Chinese that abducted him. My favorite line from last night was on this subject: "Audrey put her life on the line because she thought I was worth it!" I half expected him to add, "and not just because I am a champ in bed."

Since Jack's Dad and Graem seemed to be the only ones definite about what happened to him, and therefore may have planned Audrey's death - it looks like there will be yet another father son showdown. I wonder how this one will end. The only uncertainity about 24 is whether Jack will EVER get a happy ending.

At this point 24 is like turkey meat smoked in heroin... after a few bites I am addicted, but I am not sure why. Jack Bauer is officially the new Batman/Capt. Kirk - and I am really not into the superhero thing.

It's amazing how the newest science fiction drama is less farfetched than an action cop show. Battlestar Galactica (the new one) is becoming one of the best shows on television. Thanks to TiVo, I don't miss an episode. The plots are complicated, the good guys aren't great, the bad guys have their moments, and sometimes it is hard to root too hard for one side or the other.

Let's compare 24 vs. BG. Here is a synopsis of the latest from 24. Jack is rescued from a Russian Consulate, finds out where the terrorist and the bombs are. CTU fucks it up because there is a leak. CTU finds leak, while the Veep plans to nuke a random Arab country if another nuke blows up. Jack finds out Audrey is dead, gets pissed. Jack finds remote pilot of nuke armed drone, saves the day. VP decides to blow up Arab country anyway - making a cliffhanger. Gold.

Here is the latest from BG. Lee Adama, the Admiral's son, decides to defend Former President Baltar during his genocide trial. The Admiral and Lee have been at odds after another pilot, Kara, was killed. (Lee was in love with her, without realizing that the Admiral truly loved her as a daughter.) Everyone pretty much agrees that Balter is an asshole, so Lee isn't too popular. However, nothing is ever crystal clear. Through the cross-examinations - Lee has alienated everyone that cared about him and gave him support, including his soon to be ex-wife. Lee argues that he is protecting the system, while his wife points out there is something wrong with a system that supports an asshole like Balter. By the way, Lee gives up a chance to bang Kara to reconcile with his wife weeks ago. So now Lee is fatherless, womanless, no friends - all for trying to do the right and proper thing. What is the better show?

Plus, the new BG is headed up by Admiral Adama, portrayed by a great man named Edward James Olmos.

I'll cut you.

EJO is the original Latin badass. He was the original Castillo in Miami Vice! This is the guy who made frowning and mumbling the most threatening way to communicate. In fact, just for scale, here are the other Latin badasses in history in rank order.

1. Edward James Olmos
2. Julius Caesar
3. Scipio Africanus - Defeated Hannibal
4. Michael Corleone
5. Edward James Olmos
6. John Gotti
7. Speedy Gonzales
8. Pablo Escobar
9. Hernan Cortes
10. Franscisco Pizzaro

Edward James Olmos vs. Kiefer Sutherland. Who you got?

Don't Like "300?" Then You Are Gay

Hey, I don't make the rules...

300 was the best movie playing this weekend. It has everything: gore, blood, war, death, glory, honor, plus plenty of tits for good measure. The best tag lines during the battle were real - quoted by Herodotus himself. It was an epic battle that was begging for a proper treatment by Hollywood, and finally got it. If you couldn't get into this movie - then chances are you should buy plenty of lube, 'cause you are probably gay.

Don't think so? Just check out some of the guys who reviewed this movie below (ratings normalized by Yahoo! Movies).

This is Kyle Smith. He gave "300" a C. This guy is so fruity. He called Gerard Butler, "Onan the Barbarian." Smith wants to lick Leonidas' nut off the ground. Sorry bro, Leonidas only likes real men, like you said "Leonidas is a king who just doesn't like queens." Ms. Kyle, you get an F.
Here's Wesley Morris, he gave "300" a C. Look at this fruit basket. I would figure he would be into a "piece of Hollywood action porn." After seeing your date, I know why you think that the fact Spartans "died to keep the Hot Gates from turning into another gay disco" is a bad thing.
Bob Longino, however, is a bit more manly. He gave the 300 a B. While I question his hetersexuality when he knocks "Paul Bunyan trotting about with a baby blue ox," anyone who mentions the tits present in the movie and a steel cage not there in his review is got to have some sort of manliness.
Richard Roeper, now he is a man's man. He gave "300" an A. Look at that million dollar smile and that thumb's up pose. Looks like he is a lady's man too! This is a guy who can appreciate a real man's movie like the "300." Listen to this quote," This is a movie that revels in a time when men were men and women were women, and the men loved the women but spent most of their time fighting with other men." Now this is a guy who reads history! Let's hear some more. "This is the kind of film that presents battlefield beheadings with the same slow-motion poetry it employs for a soft-core sex sequence, and if you're offended by that, you're at the wrong flick. " Hear that? This movie kicks ass all over the place, and if you don't like it - you can go to the next theatre and watch Mr. Lundegaard and Big Momma try to ride motorcycles with the rest of the fudgepackers.

If you are a real man, or a real woman - go see "300," and you better like it.

Coolio Is Better Than You

Never thought you would wish for me...

Most new hip hop fucking sucks. I don't even know what gets radio play down here, because as soon as I turn the station to hip hop - I get a cacophony of crap that makes crazy Mexican love songs on ciento cinco punto siete sound like angels. What happened to verses and a chorus, or I don't know, an attempt to make music? Let's create a song, not just "lay a mauhfukin track."

Remember "Gangster's Paradise?" This song was a ballad about a troubled young man who was tough as hell but still realized his mortality. Remember this?

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I take a look at my life and realize there's nothing left.

This is a great use of one of the most beautiful phrases in the Bible, turned from hope to dispair. Check out this one.

But I ain't never crossed a man that didn't deserve it.
Me be treated like a punk, you know that's unheard of,
You better watch how you talkin, and where you walkin
Or you and your homies might be lined in chalk.

Have you ever been threatened so eloquently? If Shakespeare was a ganster rapper - I wonder if he could improve on this.

Even Coolio's party song "1,2,3,4" from the same album was better than the crap playing now. It sucks because most of the good hip hop came out in the late 80s and was about done in the late 90s. Back when I was in college - when Next or Monifah or Ginuwine came over the speakers - everybody, and I mean everybody was bumping and grinding. Nowadays, I go to some of the big clubs in here - and no one who isn't half in the bag is on the dance floor. Why? The music sucks.

Before She Was Queen of England... She Was Duchess of

Wait, I am supposed to get naked and get on top of her?

Apparently I don't know much about Helen Mirren. I knew she played both Queen Elizabeths (of England), and that she likes burgers and not being a Hollywood snob. I didn't know she enjoyed doing sex scenes with younger black men. Wow.

Last weekend I had a girl over and watched Shadowboxer (2005), starring Helen Mirren, Cuba Gooding Jr, Stephen Dorff, and Mo`Nique as a fat crackwhore. While I still have yet to write my own article about "movies to bang by," this is definitely not one of them. The plot goes something like this - Mirren's character rescues Gooding as a child from an abusive home, and trains him to be an assasin and an animal in the sack. As she nears death by cancer (and old age), she sets him up with a younger woman and a child to protect from the woman's husband (who paid the couple to kill her). Lots of weird sex and shooting ensues.

This movie is bad for a lot of reasons. First off, I cannot reconcile Helen Mirren as a sex symbol. While I recognize she has a decent rack and she was probably irresistable in "The Extravaganza of Golgotha Smuts" - she is still friggin 62 years old. I'm still in my twenties... I can't do it. Second is Stephen Dorff's character, a guy with crosses hanging everywhere who shoots his most loyal servant for talking too loud while he porks some ho in the next room. I never bought into the pure evil characters - nothing in film or life is ever that one dimensional. Lastly, there is a whole lot of dude in this movie. Naked dude. I saw Dorff's dork hanging out, Cuba's cock going under Mirren's dress and lighting her up, and let's not forget the slow zoom into Gooding's ass crack. Although the fact that I saw Vanessa Ferlito masturbate during the scene helped ease the pain.

The best thing about this movie besides Ferlito's rack was the demonization of Mo'Nique. The second you saw her hit that crack pipe, you knew she was gonna fuck everybody over. You can never trust a crackhead. I can't stand that chick - with her "holier than thou" radio show, or her "beauty pagent"/4-H show where she says that thicker is better... People might say I am superficial, but here's the deal - if you are overweight, you are gonna have health problems, and that is just gonna cause financial and emotional pain for yourself and the ones you care about as you get older. I am not in perfect health, but I am working to get there. Simply saying it isn't a problem isn't gonna help anyone. Which is why Mo`Nique is gonna get taken to her grave in a bulldozer.

Fuck Mo`Nique.

24: Maybe I'm The Racist

Brothers... In Charge

At the last few minutes of 24 last night, I flipped out again. It looks like Wayne Palmer isn't dead, but he is effectively neutralized... allowing the Vice President to take over for at least a few episodes, if not the whole season. This also gives credence to the urban legend that the FBI or Secret Service called Joel Surnow (exec producer of 24) and warned him against actually killing a sitting president on the show. Either way, they took my boy out.

I don't know about you, but I hated the way Tom Lennox and the other white conspirators talked about him. "Oh, he isn't right for the country," or "we are saving our nation," or "why won't that dumb n-word listen to reason..." The last part I made up, but it didn't feel out of context when I imagined it. I am sure Surnow and Sutherland are trying to have a very colorblind show - at least when it comes to black/white relations... its still ok to hate Arabs on 24 - but there are certain realities in America that need to be taken into account.

For one, the mixed race ticket is a recipe for disaster. If you have a white POTUS, and a black veep - every gangbanger on the Eastern seaboard will be gunning for the top guy. With the reverse, you will have every klansmen and skinhead with more guns then sense trying to restore the white order by taking out the black top man. Race issues have dominated the American psyche for 90% of our history... don't tell me that you don't read race into these issues too.

Secondly, there is the tokenism. The one black guy is the president with conspiring white guys out to get him. The one Arab chick is a high ranking analyst at CTU, trapped by xenophobic policies. All the Arab men are terrorists. Where is the anonymous Asian analyst with no race specific backstory? Or the Hispanic field agent? Or the Indian guy who is not playing an Arab terrorist? Or anyone who is a non-white actor playing a role that could be covered by any given race? Too often I think Hollywood subscribes to the notion that white people are generic, and ethnic minorities need to bring their own experience into the role. Sure, there is benefit to that - but not in every single show. 24 doesn't have to be Roots every season, or El Cid.

As an aside, I thought it was awesome when Chloe went searching for Morris, and freaked out when the guy was just trying to take a shit. I guess someone does stop to actually use the facilities, after all.

24: Today's Star Trek

You're doing great. Let me concentrate on the road, you will know when to stop.


It was hard to watch 24 last night. Not because of the nuke, or the torture with items easily found around any home... just the fact there is really nothing new any more. There is a reason Fox leads into the show with the line, "The nonstop action of 24!" Without the nonstop action and beeping clock, there really isn't any point.

What new things 24 brings to television.

- Beeping clock with realtime action.
- Lots and lots of torture.
- Multiple black presidents. Much respect to my brothas DB Woodside and Dennis Haysbert!

What's not new.

- Everything else.

The evil father/Darth Vader thing was kinda the last straw. You saw it coming, it had to happen, but it was so obvious ("Hey, let me take my grandson out of this protective area. Trust me, I won't use him to extort your cooperation") it made me want to switch to SciFi and watch an Enterprise rerun. At least then I know I will see something new... who watched that show on its first run anyway?

Speaking of Enterprise, has anyone realized that Jack Bauer is this generation's Captain Kirk?


I can't wait to see Kiefer turn into Denny Crane in three decades!


Think about it. Captain Kirk got all the alien strange he could handle. Bauer nearly got road head from his dead brother's widow last night. Not to mention he was forced to hook up with the chick that killed his wife. If that isn't alien strange, I don't know what is.

Then you have the AWAY/TAC teams. On Star Trek, if your name wasn't Kirk, Spock, Bones and you had a red shirt on... if you had a brain you would do whatever it takes to sit out that mission. If you are on a TAC team and your name is not Jack Bauer (you need more than his family name on this one), I suggest you bury your face in your balls in CTU - unless you want to get blasted.

Then there are the transporters. Kirk had Scotty transporting him anywhere and everywhere back then. Is that normal? Helicopters are doing the same thing for Jack... It's like it's 1962 all over again on 24.

Don't forget that Kirk was always smarter than everyone else. Back at Starfleet Academy he cheated and beat the unbeatable computer problem and made himself a legend. Jack Bauer was tortured by the Chinese, the experts, for two years without saying a word. Morris was kidnapped and tortured for an hour with a baseball bat, a bathtub filled with water, and a power drill. After that, he programmed a computer to nuke the fucking country. How believable is that?

I have two, you have none.

No body had more sack than Captain Kirk. Whether it was fucking the alien pussy, or entering the neutral zone to fight the Klingons, he was the ballsiest guy around. Jack Bauer ate a guy. Yet no one else on this show can stand up against the enemy for more than a few minutes.

So basically 24 is Star Trek with more important non-Klingon black people, and more torture. I will probably keep watching because like Star Trek, its gonna be one of those shows people talk about for decades. Now Airwolf, that's a show worth remembering.

24: God Bless MySpace

I will fuck up anyone in order to protect this country.

Rather than make my mad dash towards home at 8:42pm Monday night - giving me precisely 18 minutes to race down GA-400 and up I-75 in order to make it home in time for "the nonstop action of 24," I stayed a little longer at fencing practice and had dinner with 8MileGirl. She asked if I TiVo'd the show, and I said I didn't bother - thinking at worst I would just read the minute by minute summary of the episode on Fox.com. But thanks to a guy out west called Tom - I was able to watch the show commercial free last night at my convenience. On MySpace. Yes, MySpace the high school stalking website. (Facebook 4-eva!) Never mind MySpace is probably the most unwieldy of the socialnets out there - they have fucking 24 on demand! That is worth a few lost messages any day.

Beefcake on white. Boo-yah!

In other news that is not significant, the Big Lead praises the pimp hand of Stuart Scott. I've pulled some pretty cool playa moves, especially when I was up in Minnesota (Indian for the land without Steak 'n Shake or Chick-Fil-A) but none like this. I don't care how white certain people say the Stu is - it takes real talent to pull women consistently in Bristol when a) there are sport stars and opportunities to meet them all around b) you are married and c) there are hardily any women to fight over... period.

Maybe they should bring Stuart on 24 as sort of a new Curtis Manning. But instead of simply following orders, Stu could say "Jack, Fayed is inside the house. You got this right? 'Cause I gotta head next door to meet a... contact. Give me 45 minutes."

Katie Couric: One Too Many

Nice legs! Finger lickin' good!


I like Katie Couric for the same reason I don't take her seriously. It's not because she is a woman. I have met some very strong and inspiring women, and believe it or not, one of my favorite managers was a woman. She also used to be a spook, which made her wicked cool. It is not because she is bubbly. I know girls who can outbubble champagne, but are intensely serious when it came to their jobs, which they did well, and their family. Mainly it is because Katie trades on her looks and plays the feminist angle at the same time.

I remember back in 2003 when Katie was asked to trade places with Jay Leno. Jay would host Today, and Katie would host The Tonight Show. After a forgettable monologue, Katie sat at Jay's desk, and some construction worker guy came by with a power saw and cut off the front skirt of the desk so that you could see Katie's magnificent legs. My first instinct was to drop the remote - no Letterman tonight.

Contrast that with Katie's latest emotional blog about being the only woman/girl at the White House during a private Presidential press briefing. She then goes on to talk about how Rwanda and Sweden have nearly 50% female representation in their parliaments, while the US lags behind.

Little girl, cry me a river.

Honestly, I have nothing against more women in politics and business. Some of the worst bosses I have ever had were men - they were either spineless and inexperienced, or arrogant and incompetent. Don't even start with GWB. If a woman can improve upon that, I say let her - and most of the industrialized world agrees. But this business that women should dominate half of the top positions in society everywhere makes no damned sense.

Here's the news - women don't dominate the world because they don't have to. Every woman that is good looking enough to attract a successful man (and shrewd enough to keep him) doesn't have to work. Society proclaims that a real man can take care of his family financially - so a woman working for the next promotion is often optional. That's a fact even before kids are in the equation.

Let's add kids then. When a female professional gets knocked up, her company is obliged in the US to give her paid time to prepare for the birth, and care for the infant at least for a while. At the same time, the firm must hold her job or something at the same level until she comes back to resume her duties. While this doesn't hurt her current earning potential, she might miss out on opportunities to shine and make her case for promotion to senior management. Add to that the fact that many women, wholely on their own, decide to resign their jobs until the child is able to go to school or is at least old enough to be left alone after school. That age ranges from 10 or so and up. Ten years out of any industry, and it will be a tough road to make the boardroom. This scenario applies to a lot of women - women who may not be ruling a F500 firm, but are having a very fulfilling life nonetheless.

Contrast that with men. Men work. Men have always worked. If men don't work, they aren't considered men - especially in America (elsewhere, they are only expected to provide - nobility for example). Unless they marry money, or have a wife with a ton more earning potential, working is a certainty - never an option. If men want a bigger house, they need to work harder, get a promotion, rob a bank. There is no nagging the wife until she makes it happen, in most cases. Therefore, there is no break for men (generally) that would take them out of the running for top positions - so even if every company in the world was headed by a male feminazi, every board room would still be filled with men. For heaven's sake - MADD's boardroom is filled with men!

The long and the short of it is that women aren't in the highest perches of politics and government because a) they don't have to be and b) they have other priorities. Sure, sexism still comes into play, but even if it didn't the numbers would be much the same. As for the Swedish - there won't be one at the rate they are going, birth rate vs. death rate that is. So much for them as a feminist success story.

24 - They Killin' All The Brothas!

"There goes my hero, watch him as he goes!"


One of the things you have to accept on 24 is Jack Bauer knows best. In fact when they finally make the feature film, they should just call it Jack Knows Best, Mr. President. So far this guy ate a man, stole one car, carjacked another, destroyed a military operation approved by the President, helped a career terrorist get amnesty, and then killed his senior tac team leader - my boy Curtis.

Man, first Prez David Palmer, and now Curtis. Jack was kicking Curtis' ass for the last six seasons, and he still stood by Jack's crazy ass. "Curtis, you can't know where I am going - so I gotta knock your black ass out." Fuck all that. Curtis wasn't perfect - he's not Jack Bauer - but he was dependable and got the job done. So the one time he snaps... watching the career terrorist who killed his entire squad in the Gulf War get a presidential walk would fuck anyone up... Jack shoots him in the fucking throat. Poor Jack, he has to run off and retch and cry like a bitch, we are supposed to feel sorry for him.

If they kill off Wayne Palmer, I'm not sure I can keep watching.


Big deal.


Oh, and the terrorists nuked Los Angeles.

Top Ten Un-PC Lessons of 24

Damn, I'm kinda hungry.

I hope you guys didn't miss 24 last night, else you are in some trouble. A lot of the blogosphere is talking about the vampirism and the need to suspend basic beliefs to watch the show. Damn all that. Here at The Tales I am going to tell you about the real life lessons you can apply from 24, today. Enjoy.

1. If you have a top secret clearance project that can only succeed with zero interference, just keep this little factoid in mind - women are chatty.
2. If you are a committed terrorist leader who wants to blow up the American hoi polloi on a public bus - you are better off with an East Asian kid vs. a Middle Eastern one anyday. Hint: there are plenty of Chinese looking Muslims in Indonesia and Malaysia, just be sure they use a Microsoft Zune for the detonator.
3. In The Dirty Dozen, Maj. Reisman (Lee Marvin) gives his troops a nice night with hookers and booze before sending them to their deaths at the hands of the Nazis. Jack Bauer can't even get a sandwich?
4. Xenophobia is like blackjack... the odds are always against you, but you are gonna pick the right cards every now and again. I wonder how Kal Penn's career will fare after his terrorist role.
5. Cops say it all the time, but its always shocking to witness - nobody (in power) wants a hero. A live one anyway.
6. Know your limits. The Chinese, who have tortures named for them, spent two years with Jack Bauer, and yet you think you can make him suffer? Then you leave him alone in a room? Like I said above, the man is hungry.
7. The new President Palmer may turn out to be a bigger wimp than last season's prez. I don't care about anyone's standards for justice and integrity - no government official is going to arrest a relative of the president without him or at least the Secret Service signing off on it. Where were her guards anyway?
8. Women love a smack on the ass - especially in tense situations. It makes them feel protected and sheltered.
9. Save a terrorist's life, you earn his thanks. Help him torture a traitor, you earn his respect.
10. For people who remember GI JOE, the Cobra helicopters flying to blow up the terrorist bungalow in Inglewood must have really screwed you up. Especially when you have President Palmer directing the battle from "a remote location." President Palmer is the Cobra Commander? I don't know what to believe any more!

More updates after the second half of the premiere tonight!

The Only Event That Matters This Weekend...

America's Warrior on Terror

...Is 24. The four hour start to the season begins Sunday at 8pm, and I can't friggin wait. I am skipping fencing on Monday for this, and all my friends know that is a HUGE deal. It's ok, I will just practice choking ("Squeeze the handle, push the button...") and sleeper holds on my boxing dummy for a couple hours before the Monday show begins.

I've seen the teasers, and from what I can tell - Jack Bauer is pissed. Just think how pissed you are when you spend $6 on a box of chicken fried rice and you are hungry as hell an hour later. For Jack, multiply that feeling by a billion. Then add on the fact that before he was captured by the Chinese - he was about to get laid by at least two chicks. Now that's classic cockbrocking [sic] if I have ever seen it.

It also looks like there is going to be another black president. Awesome. The new guy doesn't seem to be as cool as Dennis Haysbert, but he is close. I think he is even a better fictional president than Morgan Freeman. Morgan reminds you of an old grandfather or uncle - the one that tells you everything is gonna be alright and you believe him. Denny Haysbert is like your father or big brother who says everything is gonna get pretty fucked up - but we will make it. And you believe him too because he is an easy going guy who will kick your ass for weeks if you start trouble.

There are other things going on in the world this weekend - but the only thing that truly matters is 24.

James Brown, Dead on Christmas Day

James Brown was an icon of modern music. Without him, there would be no rap, no hip-hop, no funk, and R&B and Soul would have much less of both.

While drugs and wife-beatings may give him some trouble at the pearly gates; his success inspired millions, and even his song "Say It Loud (I'm Black and I'm Proud)" helped a downtrodden people regain its dignity.

Requiscat In Pace.

I HATE Rob Schneider

Rob Schneider is proof that Hollywood in general just rolls the dice when they put out movies. No thought, they just throw some money in the wind, and hope that it lands on someone who isn't a douchebag. How else do you explain Rob Schneider getting a cool million for "The" fucking "Animal?" I am not a big fan of America's conduct in the Spanish American War, but when ever I see Schneider on screen, I start bursting into bars of "Damn the Filipinos!" IMDB says that he is famous for one line, "you can do it! You can do it all night loong!" While I personally love that line, if he would have jumped off a cliff after "The Waterboy," I think the world would be a much better place.

The man is fucking irritating. He makes me want to vomit my dinner, and then hurl it at him. Last night I couldn't sleep - and I saw Sly Stallone in a futuristic cop outfit. Since I don't make a habit of watching shitty Sly Stallone movies, I assumed I was watching "Demolition Man" instead of "Judge Dredd." Never mind the plots are about as different as an orange and a tangerine.

So while I am watching a cut Sly march around with a stick shoved firmly and securely up his ass - instead of seeing Sandra Bullock talking about blowing guys and Wesley Snipes looking for a gun again, I get to watch Armand Assante act like a pompous dick and more Rob Schneider than the FDA would ever recommend. The movie is about a lawman taking back his city from its corrupt overseers - why do I have to see fucking Rob Schneider with his unfunny, stupid ass, out of time snarky remarks every 20 seconds? Did someone say - listen, we loved you as the uncredited dipshit in "Demolition Man" two years ago, lets make the EXACT SAME FUCKING MOVIE FEATURING YOU AS THE LOVEABLE PAIN IN THE ASS?

And then there is the whole Mel Gibson thing. And Schneider tries to stand up as a paragon of Hollywood morality and say that he will never work with Mel Gibson again. Never mind he plays idiot Mexicans, and he is an idiot period. At least Keanu Reeves knows he is a more wooden actor than Pinocchio, and keeps his damned mouth shut off screen.

I propose a new Parental/Concerned Citizen warning for all media.




This label should be placed on every movie poster, DVD box, TV ad, or CD case that either features Rob Schneider, has him in a supporting role, a small role, or is a movie, TV show, or band that talks about Rob Schneider in a positive light. Yes, it looks like the warning put on badass rap albums like "Fear of a Black Planet" and "Straight Outta Compton," but most people kinda know what to expect from rap these days so the warning is redundant. I was traumatized by the "Judge Dredd"/"Demolition Man" thing, and I want to save the rest of the world from such abject horror.

Rob Schneider, eat shit and die.

EDIT: Christopher Walken, who starred in over 100 films ranging in quality from stupendous to stupid, declined the role of "Rico" in "Judge Dredd." This is the same Walken who gave a famous monologue about having a time piece shoved up his ass, and who starred in a trilogy about warring bloodthirsty angels written by "Highlander" screenwriter Gregory Widen. In other words, this guy don't say no to nuttin'. Why refuse this particular film? Four words... Rob Schneider is a dipshit.