Before She Was Queen of England... She Was Duchess of

Wait, I am supposed to get naked and get on top of her?

Apparently I don't know much about Helen Mirren. I knew she played both Queen Elizabeths (of England), and that she likes burgers and not being a Hollywood snob. I didn't know she enjoyed doing sex scenes with younger black men. Wow.

Last weekend I had a girl over and watched Shadowboxer (2005), starring Helen Mirren, Cuba Gooding Jr, Stephen Dorff, and Mo`Nique as a fat crackwhore. While I still have yet to write my own article about "movies to bang by," this is definitely not one of them. The plot goes something like this - Mirren's character rescues Gooding as a child from an abusive home, and trains him to be an assasin and an animal in the sack. As she nears death by cancer (and old age), she sets him up with a younger woman and a child to protect from the woman's husband (who paid the couple to kill her). Lots of weird sex and shooting ensues.

This movie is bad for a lot of reasons. First off, I cannot reconcile Helen Mirren as a sex symbol. While I recognize she has a decent rack and she was probably irresistable in "The Extravaganza of Golgotha Smuts" - she is still friggin 62 years old. I'm still in my twenties... I can't do it. Second is Stephen Dorff's character, a guy with crosses hanging everywhere who shoots his most loyal servant for talking too loud while he porks some ho in the next room. I never bought into the pure evil characters - nothing in film or life is ever that one dimensional. Lastly, there is a whole lot of dude in this movie. Naked dude. I saw Dorff's dork hanging out, Cuba's cock going under Mirren's dress and lighting her up, and let's not forget the slow zoom into Gooding's ass crack. Although the fact that I saw Vanessa Ferlito masturbate during the scene helped ease the pain.

The best thing about this movie besides Ferlito's rack was the demonization of Mo'Nique. The second you saw her hit that crack pipe, you knew she was gonna fuck everybody over. You can never trust a crackhead. I can't stand that chick - with her "holier than thou" radio show, or her "beauty pagent"/4-H show where she says that thicker is better... People might say I am superficial, but here's the deal - if you are overweight, you are gonna have health problems, and that is just gonna cause financial and emotional pain for yourself and the ones you care about as you get older. I am not in perfect health, but I am working to get there. Simply saying it isn't a problem isn't gonna help anyone. Which is why Mo`Nique is gonna get taken to her grave in a bulldozer.

Fuck Mo`Nique.