"Highlander: The Source" Took A Dump In My Brain

Umm, I'm getting paid in cash, right?

I feel like I found out Angelina Jolie is really a dude. Quite possibly the worst sequel ever made, beating out the imfamous Highlander: The Quickening. There is a three minute sequence where all you see is random pictures of Adrian Paul and Peter Wingfield, set shittily to a bad cover band butchering Queen's "Princes of the Universe." The only silver lining to this KFC Famous Bowl of a movie is that I watched it in the useless hours of between 8-10am on Sunday morning, and I felt the need to go to church afterward to repent of my blasphemy.

Literally twenty minutes in, I am all like, "I really don't have to watch this all the way through. I can pop in a DVD of the TV Highlander (3rd Season) back when Adrian Paul and Panzer actually gave a shit." Yes, Coletrain was willing to stop watching a Highlander movie premiere. If you know ANYTHING about me, that one concept should speak volumes to how incredibly bad this movie is. Someone got a pre-release version in Prague earlier in the year, and said it was absolute hell. You can see where the producers made last minute voice edits, added scenes, and just tried to make this movie only a steaming vs. a smoking pile of pigshit.

Here is the basic plot, because I wouldn't wish this film on anyone. Like Highlander 2, Highlander 5 (FIVE!!!) totally guts the whole premise of the movie. Here is the premise of the Highlander Universe in four basic steps.

1. Immortals are humans who cannot die (or have children) unless you cut off their head.
2. They cannot fight on holy ground.
3. When they kill each other, they gain the victims supernatural energy and memories, which accumulate until there are two left. The winner of the last duel gets it all, which is the prize. And they become mortal and can have kids.
4. Because of the point above, and these guys follow the "Rules" like a religion - they pretty much don't mind killing each other. And they live by the code, "There Can Be Only One."

Pretty crazy stuff, I know, but it is modern fantasy - and they fight with fucking swords. It's a guilty pleasure.

Here is how Highlander 5 fucks all that up. First, the main character forget about the prize, or they think that the Prize and the Source are one in the same. And they are skeptical it exists. Personally, I don't see how a guy who has lived for over 300 years and fucking glows when he kills people can be a skeptic. Next, you don't have to kill anyone to get the Source/Prize, you just have to be at the right place at the right time. So, the whole sword fighting - killing your best friends because of Rule #4 - all that goes out the fucking window. Oh, and Immortals aren't immortal anymore when they get close to the Source - so now the movie is about some fuckups who don't like fighting and some crazy albino BDSM guy chasing them. By the way, Duncan gets the prize, even though Methos and other unnamed immortals are still alive. So the whole, "There Can Be Only One" thing was bullshit. Fuck me with a shoehorn.

Thanks for the work! Can you drop me off at Rodz after the wrap tonight?

Highlander: The Source sucks balls. In the words of Duncan MacLeod in his last line, "I'm through with this."

UPDATE: Here is a less profanity laced, yet equally scaithing review.

Highlander... And Other Date Movies

With this cast, it is worth another sequel!

Not too long ago I was bitching about Helen Mirren and her nutty movie Shadowboxer, also starring the other Cube. While I maintain that this movie is the worse date movie rental ever, the folks in the linked comments probably would agree. They would rather watch the movie alone with a box of Kleenex and private label Vaseline.

Shadowboxer is so bad, I actually ran an experiment to see if I could hook up while watching my favorite movie of all time, Highlander. Now, I chose this movie because a) many people who refer to themselves as my friends say it is absolutely horrible and is better portrayed by bunnies and b) in the worst case I still get to watch my favorite movie. Of course, I cheated and selected a Scottish girl as the test subject, and she was impressed that at least one character besides Sean Connery was actually Scottish. Other than that she hated the movie, but we still kicked it.

Other movies I know of that are better date movies than Shadowboxer:

• Ray
• Varsity Blues
• The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
• Evil Dead 2
• Higher Learning

Now of course I am not saying these movies will get you laid, if you need a movie to seal the deal you have no hope. But then again, Ray was the most sexualized movie I have seen outside porn, and The Good... is a movie that engenders both active watching and works as background noise.

Now if I find a girl who wants to hook up to Beavis and Butthead DVDs, I may just shop for a ring.

UPDATE: Highlander 5: The Source... In theatres this September! I will see it on my birthday!

UNSEXY UPDATE: Highlander: The Source was fucking awful!!!

The Morals of Elimidate

Elimidate is one of the greatest shows on TV. It is like a gladiatorial bloodsport with chicks. Depending on the sex of the lead - it is every man and woman's dream - to have four guys or girls fighting for your attention, and you get to humiliate at least three of them. Holy crap, it is the Highlander of dating shows - there can be only one.

The premise is simple - you get four members of the opposite sex and you take them around your town. After every scene, which is the equivalent of a date, you elimidate one of your suitors until one remains. Of course there are some hilarious departures from that scheme - but for the most part those are the general rules.

When a girl is the guest star - she usually elimidates the nice guy first, then the dickhead, and chooses between the cool guy and the asshole at the end, depending on whether or not she wants to end the night alone. These shows are funny because the guys themselves generally decide the pecking order - the girl just confirms their decision.

When a guy is the guest star - it is all about getting at least one girl in bed. Most of the guys on there look like they have zero trouble getting women on their own, on TV its all about hitting a homerun for the homeboys watching at the crib. Pretty much every male lead on these shows is like this, without fail. Yet every now and again, a girl will get dissed hard because she shows as much enthusiasm for the bonin' as the guy. Like the South Beach episode last night.

This particular episode showed four absolutely gorgeous women. Which is unusual, because most episodes allow the guy to make some easy cuts based on looks. The key girl was a very pretty brunette, who happened to have a kid. The literal MILF was also not fucking around. When the lead asked what she would do to get his attention, the MILF just kissed him right there. No hesitiation, which scandalized the other girls. They took turns implying she was a whore (using that term), and a slut, and easy. The MILF basically said that when she wants something, she gets it - and she made it very clear that she wanted the guy.

One of the girls, a blonde who reminds me of Ann Coulter, got all offended when the MILF characterized herself as a nymphomaniac. When the guy and MILF challenged her she said that she was willing to kiss on the first date - at the end; that she didn't have a particular issue with sex before marriage - but it has to be after a few dates; and that she doesn't feel it is appropriate to discuss her sex life. Which is all well and good, except for the fact that she competing for an obviously horny-ass guy on the most salacious dating show on network television. What the fuck is she doing there? And where are these abstract rules coming from? If you believe something is wrong because the Bible or Koran or Torah or Necronomicon told you so, fine. But if you create your own set of morals to run your life, and then use those inventions to judge and belittle others - then fuck you.

What's wrong with a girl who just wants to fuck? Why can't a girl have no rules about not kissing on the first date, or no banging until the third date, or no necking strange guys when you came with some one else? (Kidding about that last one. Actually I'm not. Well, maybe.) Why is Bill Clinton good and Monica Lewinsky bad? If a girl isn't married or engaged, why must she put these road blocks in her head before she can have any fun? They say a girl knows within five minutes of meeting a guy whether or not she wants to sleep with him. Why make her wait two weeks to feed the need?

For those who require a denouement - the MILF gets the guy, and does an awesome belly dance with a coin skirt for him before the fade to black.

There Can Be Only One...and it isn't Chris Daughtry

So we move on from Coletrain's guilty pleasure, Highlander (gee, can't imagine why all the "Matt Cole gay" traffic gets shuttled here), to mine, American Idol. I wasn't going to say anything this week, as both my favorite voice (Elliott) and favorite body (see here, and damn, I thought I liked her chest best!) survived, but hearing all the gnashing of teeth over the premature loss of Scott Stapp-wannabe Chris Daughtry, I have no choice. (I figure he doesn't want to be Scott Stapp anymore, though.)

I could tolerate all the whining that the best singer has just been voted off, because it's true: Daughtry has perfect pitch, an uncanny understanding of pop music styles, and a strong yet non-karaoke stage presence (the perfect package, if only he had boobs...and was a woman). But after reading Robin Givhan's bitchfest in the beacon of truth Washington Post, I had to say something. And that something is, "Get Over Yourself!"

This show has not produced one single star since its first season, and even Kelly Clarkson hasn't reached superstar status yet. As I've explained in previous posts, the contestants have great voices that are wasted on singing covers exclusively, so they're doomed from the beginning. Givhan's title, "We Get the Idols We Deserve," is something I heard a hundred times out of Democrats' mouths in 2000 and 2004, and this time it's only slightly more relevant. But this line takes the cake: "In Daughtry, America had the opportunity to choose distinctiveness, confidence and cool. Instead, it chose bland and boring." Yeah, Daughtry's distinctive, if you haven't heard of Creed, Fuel, Filter, Nickelback, assorted other forgettable one-name bands, and while I'm at it, Pearl Jam. Yeah, I said it. The irony is that it's probably better for Daughtry that he lost, because he won't be tied up in Cowell's restrictive contracts, and can look for work heading one of the aforementioned one-namers.

I like American Idol, but not because I think I'm going to listen to the winner's albums, or ever bother to follow up on any of the contestant's careers. I watch because it gives me the rare moment to watch good kids with good voices (and sometimes good bodies) sing good songs, before they're swallowed up in a world of affectation, self-destructive egos, payola scandals, and Pearl Jam. Yeah, I said it.

Miss Daisy Is Right - Bunnies Are Better

Somehow Miss Daisy thinks that "Highlander I" is better as a cartoon with the characters played by bunnies - all done in 30 seconds. Of course, the full (Canadian/European) release is still a masterpiece, but the truncated American version - is better done by bunnies. As is "Brokeback Mountain."

The bunnies thing is done by Starz network, known for playing fourth rate movies that were rejected by HBO and Showtime, and also really bad softcore porn like movies with way too much plot. The fact I had to endure most of "Mad Dog and Glory" before I saw any Uma nakedness was a crime. But the bunnies thing is pretty cool, check out the rest of the movies here.

Highlander: The Series - Revisited

Highlander, both the movies and the series, kick ass all over the place.  I have been taking it easy from going out lately - and I would have curled up in a ball and died if it wasn't for my Highlander: The Series Season Four DVD set arriving last week.  When I popped in the first disc I was so excited - I wasn't sure if I should grab my epee, my katana, or some Vaseline. 

 

And then I actually started watching the show.  It's still as good as I remember, but there are a lot more overtones I am catching this time around that I missed in High School.  For one, it is way more PC than I remember.  The show was produced on location in Paris and Vancouver (where it is set), and it does have a decidedly foreign feel.  The main character, Duncan MacLeod, also has some qualities that disturbingly remind me of Bill Clinton.  Here are some examples.

• He is womanizer that is dominated by women.  Women tend to make the decisions for him in his life, rare is the girl who takes a lead from him (the Scottish chick from Glenfennan is the only exception).
• He bangs Elizabeth Gracen.  Bastard.
• His enemies are often religious conservatives.  Kenwulf the Viking, Kamir the Thugee, Damon Case, and Mako the sheriff were all guys who followed some law or code that didn't jive with MacLeod's nebulous personal values and virtues.
• He has this smarmy holier than thou attitude that gets pretty damned annoying.
• He often thinks he knows best, yet doesn't feel the need to tell people the whole story.  Like the time his mortal friend Charlie went after the Immortal Cord Duncan said that he would get himself killed (which he did), but Duncan didn't bother to mention that Charlie could win by cutting Cord's head off.  Some friend you are Duncan.

There is a lot of hypocrisy too.  You often hear Duncan say stuff like revenge isn't worth it, or there is no reason to fight.  Hello?? That's the whole point of the show, isn't it?  There can be only one, right?  So what if you slept with her, she is an immortal...put the bitch down! 

 

I am still a fan of the show, only now for different reasons.  Stan Kirch is superb playing the naive Richie Ryan, and Peter Wingfield is great as the complex Methos.  Elizabeth Gracen is great eye candy, even if she has bad taste in men - and most of the female guest stars are gorgeous.  I used to like Adrian Paul, but after ten years of maturity and right-wing indoctrination - I much prefer Christopher Lambert as "The Highlander."  Is it too late to get CL to take the main spot in "Highlander: The Source?"

 

There can be only one.

Beauty, Morals, and Technology

Miss Daisy and I often get into some interesting discussions on the issues of the day. A few days ago we had an funny and odd email/phone conversation about beauty, morals and technology as relates to Hollywood and pornography. For this to even begin the long torturous march towards making sense - you have to read it for yourself.

After reading, feel free to weigh in in the comments section.
-------------------------------

Coletrain: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2005/12/03/wtv03.xml&sSheet=/news/2005/12/03/ixworld.html

Apparently my girls Eva Longoria and Anna K are "flawless" in any medium. Not so for Heather Locklear.

Miss Daisy: Have I mentioned yet that you're an idiot?

Coletrain: Just because I like to keep up with the world I live in doesn't make me an idiot... But I am sure I sound silly to a man who would move into a cave if one was available on Lake Shore Drive.

Miss Daisy: I find it funny that this is an old story. Last year they were discussing how HDTV would ruin porn because the "actresses" would look so much worse. They also mentioned Cameron Diaz in that article. Apparently, she's badly pock-marked. Why anyone cares about this stuff still baffles me. Yes, technology will take some wonder away from these people, but it would help if I regarded these people in any way. Eva Longoria couldn't hold a candle to Ingrid Bergman or Donna Reed as an actress or as a talent, and George Clooney would've been embarrassed by the talents of Fred Astaire or Bing Crosby. Hollywood is just filled with vapid imbeciles making uninspiring stories up for the unfulfilled masses.
Count me out.

Coletrain: Actually, the new theory is that HDTV/DVD and more "real" porn is good because the "actresses" look more like “real" women and will be less likely to cause men to pull away from those real women in their lives. In other words, if the chick in the porn looks like your wife, you are more likely to go bang her after watching it.

And Hollywood talent critiques from a man who has watched and enjoyed most of Rob Schneider's movies tend to fall flat.

Miss Daisy: That's a horrible circular argument you've just committed. Because you're arguing that the actresses should worry because it takes away their more austere qualities yet its okay for pornography which relies on that same theme of wonderment of the viewer with how hot a particular actor or actress is. Guys don't go to strip bars and talk about how ordinary the girls look, they talk about how hot they are. Television works the same way.

Come on, give me a break. You have tried to argue that AFI made a gross misjudgment by leaving Highlander out of their top 100. Good taste and you are on opposite sides of the room.

Coletrain: There is a difference between hot/gettable and hot/unattainable. Hot/gettable women are measured by a standard that you create in your head. Hot/unattainable women offer themselves as a standard for all others to be judged.

With pornstars - there is a problem if you are using them to see if your wife/gf measures up. That is how relationships fall apart and how addictions are formed. With "normal" actresses, being the standard means the cover of fashion magazines and lots of endorsements and cash.

When you measure pornstars by your own standard - it is them that measure up or not, and your wife/gf is more likely to be successful on that scale. Yet this is bad for actresses because if makeup/soft light/camera angles/massive surgery/devil worship can no longer make Heather Locklear the end all and be all of beauty - her career is over, period.

Miss Daisy: Weak argument. I don't think Joe Six-Pack makes a conscious discernment between Jenna Jameson and Jill Kelly and Eva Longoria and Heather Locklear. They're all, in Joe Six-Pack's head, pretty much not attainable goals.

Coletrain: Please... Jenna Jameson and Jill Kelly were huge back when we started college - 10 years ago. JJ doesn't even do hardcore anymore.

The newest thing is amateur/reality stuff. Things you find on the internet aren't the gorgeous chicks in lingerie with the porn grooves in the background with different actors doing voiceovers.

You're behind the times.

Miss Daisy: Isn't being 'behind the times' in terms of porn a good thing? I would say 'yes.' My girlfriend would be proud to know that I know nothing about the porn industry in its current constitution. Spanktravision and you, though, apparently have a very close relational bond...As per what's popular now, the bottom line is still the same for Joe Six Pack, its a girl he's never ever going to see or hope to attain. The amateur/reality star becomes the new new thing and is thrust into the mainstream spotlight.

Coletrain: You are totally missing the point - the amateur/reality thing highlights the girl you can see and could reasonably obtain. What do you think "girl next door" even means? Glamour is dead in porn and is dying everywhere else. Have you ever seen pictures of Donna Reed in a mugshot or on a bad hair day? I bet you could name 25 actors/actresses who you've seen not at their best without even thinking hard.

Allow me to be clearer... Joe Six Pack probably has a pretty good shot at one of the chicks on the bangbus or Crackwhoreconfessions.com.

Besides, if you are interested in internet/video technology - it pays to keep up with porn. Every breakthrough in video streaming, high def, information storage, ad usage, spam, popup blocking and spam protection, and better file formats have had their origins in pornography.

Sex really does sell.

Miss Daisy: Donna Reed has been dead since 1986. And I don't ever remember her looking bad because the Hollywood of the 40's, 50's, and 60's, didn't stalk movie stars on their daily sojourns. So our images of Audrey Hepburn or Ingrid Bergman or Donna Reed are just their celluloid countenances in all their grandeur. The old guard will retain their glory forever. Britney Spears has 22 cameramen following her trashy ass around SoCal and very few actresses these days could achieve the mystique of an Audrey Hepburn because she was secluded and cosmopolitan. I can't think of a Hollywood starlet that is as intelligent as she was. Hepburn could speak fluent English, Spanish, French, Dutch/Flemish and Italian. Grace Kelly is another one. My only memories of her are on screen. Or being the Queen of Monaco. Whichever. And for most of those actresses of that day, the memories stay on screen. Hollywood pimps 'glamour' to the tabloids now. Should I really care that Brad Pitt is adopting Angelina Jolie's kids? Why do I know this! Because its on every website, msnbc, cnn, you name it. The 25 actors/actresses you're talking about aren't yesterday's stars. You're talking about TODAY'S stars. I can't remember Cary Grant ever looking out of sorts. Ben Affleck or Heath Ledger or whoever his modern day equivalent is, we've seen looking like they're strung out on smack.

You're right, Joe Six-Pack does have a shot with those girls. I don't think I like what that says about America. And you are correct that the most lucrative thing on the internet has been pornography. And they lead the way for technological advancement. Again, these are not good signs. I'd like to ask a better question: why has their been the 'amateur craze' to begin with? What precipitated this??

Coletrain: It will take too much time to research the source, but I read somewhere recently that Hollywood contracts back in the day mandated that actors and actresses looked their best in public - even when buying groceries. If you ever watched late night TV (leno/letterman/conan/etc) [you would notice] that older stars are more likely to look presentable than younger stars on interviews.

As far as the amateur craze, I don't know the start of it - but I know that it is part of the democratization of Hollywood and sex, if you will. All access, all the time, every man has got a shot. Add to that a relaxation of public morals, and the fact that the ability to produce porn has gone down considerably... which is notable since it was pretty cheap before.

Category:

• Sex
• Society
• Relationships

Not Condom, Cock Sheath

http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?SectionID=12&StoryID=1463&LayoutType=1

Remember those old World War II movies where the Allies had to put condoms on their rifles before they stormed the beaches of Normandy? Remember how ridiculous those guns looked with a condom on them. You may also remember how stupid all those guys felt.

Contrast that with the old western films where the cowboys kept their rifles and shotguns in these badass leather sheaths on their horses. Man, that looked cool. And the swordfighting movies (ex. Highlander) were unquestionably cool - a guy pulling out his sword to start a battle.

So from now on, I am calling my prophylactic a "cock sheath." Boo-yah.

By the way - would that mean that He-Man and all the modern charaters in the Highlander Universe go "bareback?" (No sheath inside the overcoats.)

Category:

• Sex

Birthday Report

It is officially September 11, my birthday has passed, and I am at home. Still a little under the influence, but ok to type. The Highlander theme has been removed from the blog, but you can download it here.

For my birthday I woke up late, cleaned the house, worked out, had dinner and enjoyed all the phone calls and well wishes all day long. Thank you.

This evening I went out with my neighbors and friends to Front Page News in Midtown Atlanta and had a ball. Here are some pictures. Lotsa drinks and good friend in abundance.

So now what? I am a year older, a year wiser - and I am most likely going to be more mature as well. Wild and crazy Coletrain is a thing of the past, but the always interesting, fascinating, insightful, and fabulous Coletrain will never die. For he truly born to be a king, and a prince of the universe.

Category:

• Parties

My Birthday Gift to Me: Highander!

This Saturday, September 10 - the day before September 11, the anniversary of the day Belize received its independence from Great Britain - is also the day of my birthday!

For the whole week, in celebration of my birthday, this blog will play the theme from Highlander: The Gathering and the TV Series - Queen's "Princes of the Universe!" If you want to learn more about the movie, you can click on this IMDB link and check out the transcript of TNT's Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs who does an awesome and hilarious review of it!

Also, if you are in ATL and want to party with me and my friends this Saturday - send a note to admin@coletrain.org and I will forward you an invite (if you are cool)!

REID DISGUSTED BY FETISH

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2005/08/16/ddish.DTL&feed=rss.entertainment

Check out the SFGate Article below. If this frightens her, I guess there won't be a "Wild On Tara" episode in Amsterdam. The "Highlander" themed sex show there might make her wet her pants (the bad way).

"Tara Reid reportedly stormed out of a night club in Berlin, Germany, on Friday because she was disgusted by an erotic show. The beauty has been traveling the world since the end
of June while shooting her new reality show, "Wild on Tara," and was curious to sample Berlin's nightlife.

But the star unintentionally signed up for a fetish show at notorious sex spot KitKatClub, and was horrified by what she witnessed.

Reid reportedly hated the black leather and nudity on display so much she threw her drink on the floor and ran out of the venue.

Reid was so embarrassed by her gaffe, she even left Berlin early on Sunday and flew to London.

Henrick Tedefjard, who works at a Berlin agency that planned Reid's visit, says, "She does not seem to be the tough girl she pretends to be." "

The NEW Highlander Trilogy

http://www.darkhorizons.com/news05/050804g.php

Apparently there is not only one movie in the works, but three sequels to the original film and syndicated TV series! But "There can be only one!" Three, yet one? Why does that sound familiar?

There are rumours that Connor MacLeod will make an appearance in the first of the trilogy... which will either mean he will be around in a "flashback," or they will stitch his head back on and add to the continuity issues that plague the otherwise best set of visual media ever created.

I for one am very excited... I currently own all the previous movies on DVD, and it will be great to relive the experience that Freddy Mercury described as "A kind of magic!"

Category:

• Entertainment

News of the Day

Worst. Toy. Ever.
http://www.portlandmercury.com/current/feature3.html
Just like the "Batman Begins" motorcycle. Do people actually buy movie licenced toys that weren't in the movie? I know Fencing Smurf never made the cartoon, but I bought the toy because it was cool!

Corpse Falls into Traffic in Texas
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/07/13/AR2005071301604_pf.html
It does not surprise me that this happened in Texas.

News on "Highlander 5!!!!"
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0299981/
Read the discussion sections... man, I can't wait! There Can Be Only One... More.

Taki on the London Bombings
http://www.spectator.co.uk/article.php?id=6391&issue=2005-07-16
Taki agrees with my assertion that when one is fighting radical Islamic terrorism, you don't blow up the major secular Arab power in the region. I still think that Reagan's foreign policy worked. Yes, it armed Osama, but it also protected his enemy Saddam Hussein. If instead of sending bombs over Baghdad we offered to lift sanctions in exchange for Osama's head on a silver platter - GWB would have gotten a bloody package from FedEx next day.

Woman turns into Man
http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=29&art_id=vn20050714080208315C857453
One of my med school friends say that this phenomenon is actually not unusual, especially in Mexico. (there the afflicted are called huevodoches or "eggs/testicles at 12") Women really shouldn't drink the water.