Do You Got That Swing?

Near the close of my sophomore year in college I imfamously dumped a girl because I couldn't stand her walk. Her cadence was fine, but her gait seemed off-beat and shaky. She was cute enough sitting, laying down, or even standing still - but she just seemed 3pts less attractive when she walked. My friends, to this day, think I am insane. But it turns out there is a science behind my madness.

A team of mathematicians at Cambridge have discovered there is an optimal waist to hip ratio that allows women to have the perfect sexy walk. In order to have that perfect feminine swing and bounce to her step - a woman must have a waist to hip ratio as close to 0.7 as possible.

The article lists Jessica Alba as having the perfect proportions to pull off that walk, which is no surprise. I actually polled a girl who has the best walk I have seen in Atlanta thus far, and her ratio is right at 0.71. Marilyn Monroe, her sexy ratio was 0.69 of course.

Looks like I am not so crazy after all.

Happy Memorial Day

I hope you had a great time with you and yours. I tried to take it easy, and do things like try to learn Turkish (more on that in the coming months), work, and avoid getting arrested.

I did make it out to a friend's pool party where the girl to guy ratio was 2:1. Since there were nine people at this thing, it made conversation very estrogen-y.




This picture tells you everything you need to know about this party. If you don't get it, let me break it down for you.

• In spite of the ratio, this was the most interesting scene of the evening.
• The dog was the most enthusastic drinker at the party. I was a close second.
• The dog and I were the only black people there.
• If it wasn't for the dog, there wouldn't be any pictures from this evening.
• All this, and the dog is wearing a gay hankerchief and is scarcely bigger than a football.

Other than that, it was a great time!

Designer Vaginas Are All The Rage

When I read this article today, I wasn't sure if I was in pain, or about to die laughing. While vaginal rejuvenation and hymen reconstruction surgery is awesome for turning a dirty Muslim slut into a virginal and holy young maid, that just doesn't seem to be enough.

The next step is elective genitoplasty, or the "designer vagina." Rather than make the woman tighter, or erase the evidence that she was a whore in college - this operation simply makes the vag look "prettier." Women who get the surgery do bring pics of the way they want to look, but also complain of lifestyle limitations.

These restrictions included inability to wear tight clothing, go to the beach, take communal showers or ride a bicycle comfortably, or avoidance of some sexual practices.

Men, however, do not usually want the size of their genitals reduced for such reasons. Furthermore, they find alternative solutions for any discomfort arising from rubbing or chaffing of the genitals. [italics mine]

Let's see - can't wear tight clothes or bikinis, no cowgirl, but a perfect argument for anal? Sounds like a toss-up to me.

Ron Paul Is Right.... Again

Rudy Giuliani tried to make Ron Paul sound insane last night by suggesting that 9/11 was a pre-meditated attack against the innocent United States. Unfortunately for everyone, Paul is right. People seem to forget the axiom - "terrorism is a poor man's war, and war is a rich man's terrorism." With our constant bombings of Iraq in the 90's during the Clinton administration, our near absolute support and favoritism towards Israel, and the propping up of weak, yet brutal monarchies in the Middle East, we have many enemies. Also there is the Ledeen doctrine, "every ten years America needs to beat up some crappy little country to show we mean business." America didn't deserve 9/11, but it would take a lot of ignorance and chutzpah to say we weren't asking for it. We can't keep kicking up shit in every flea-bourn corner of the world and not expect to track any home.

The worst of it is that not only that the war in Iraq is not helping, our efforts to frustrate Iran has led us to support radical Sunni Muslims, and the real crazies like the Muslim Brotherhood - who are actually in league with Osama Bin Laden himself.

So not only did we help inspire the 19 to attack us on 9/11, we are supporting their friends so they can help us against Iran. Oh, this makes so much sense.

I Digress: Top Five Misconceptions From High School

High school kids are pretty dumb. As I have said elsewhere, they are like nearly done cake - they look nice and ready on the outside, but they are squishy and gross and immature on the inside. And during that idyllic time, many misconceptions come to fruition that I am going to explode, right now.

1) Friends/Enemies Forever. Unless you stay around your hometown during and after college, chances are there is no way this is going to happen. Where you choose to go to college is going to influence you more than the High School you are forced to attend, and making friends is going to be a lot easier because you will more than likely have more in common. Plus, unless you are a sucker for drama, it will be easy to avoid situations where you can rekindle old rivalries.

2) High School sports don't matter. Maddox always likes to talk about how high school football stars will be bagging his groceries, but that is not always the case. Sports, especially in high school, teach teamwork, leadership, and discipline under pressure - which is a perfect fit for folks in the business world, media, and well... sports. Plus I know personally three guys who started out bagging groceries, and then worked their way into a comfortable $70K salary in the grocery industry. Also, if you ran track or played basketball in high school - you won't necessarily have to work your ass off to cut a trim figure. Hell, I didn't start playing sports until college - and it shows.

3) You Will Never Use High Level Math. First, let's set the expectations. Algebra is NOT high level math. If you can't understand algebra, life is just gonna suck for you. And while not everyone uses Taylor series on a regular basis - acceleration and decelaration are easily understood using calculus... and these principles can help people understand why engine braking during rush hour is a REALLY bad idea.

4) You Will Never Use History Learned in High School. If you think this is true, then I hope you don't vote. While High School history classes are no substitute for research and self-study, even public schools tell the story about the CIA overthrowing Iranian President Dr. Mossadegh in the 1950s - causing the otherwise cosmopolitan Iranian people to be kinda pissed at us for a long time. Why does most of the world hate America right now? Not because we are cowboys, but because in a historical context, none of our foreign policy makes any damned sense.

5) The nerds will be rich, the jocks will be poor. People point to Bill Gates, Paul Allen, and Larry Ellison and say that the nerds make it - but with the exception of Paul Allen, these guys are more opportunistic bastards than nerds. Truth be told - if you have two guys, one a computer club geek who is excellent at building databases, and the other a hard drinking football player who is smooth with the cheerleaders, the nerd might win on paper, but not once all the chips are in.

Let's say Steve the Nerd goes to Reed, and gets a job at Microsoft writing code. He will make a starting salary of say $50-$60K and he will work his ass off 7am-7pm, unless he gets flex hours (10am-10pm). He will make a ton of money, and spend most of it on beer, which means he will save most of it because he is working all the time. Fred the jock goes to a State school, joins a fraternity, and buckles down because his GPA is hurting the average and gets a job in sales, after nailing the interview with the cute HR lady. Depending on the job he will make $40-$55K starting salary. Is Steve the Nerd ahead? So far, but Fred isn't done yet. He works a typical 8am-6pm day, plus travel with all expense paid. Depending on the company he will get a company car plus gas, and cell phone is also reimbursed. At this point Fred makes less money than Nick, but he also works fewer hours, and doesn't spend any money when he is on the road. The road piece is key because every true salesman knows how to arrange his vacation around his business trips so airfare/travel and hotel are covered. Plus since Fred is in a lower tax bracket, he will even keep more of his money. All of this before incentive bonuses are added in to the equation.

There's really no point to all of this. I actually enjoyed high school. My foot was screwed up most of those four years, but I still had BMOC status equal to a captain of some crappy sport like tennis. The only people I cared about in high school I am still friends with, and most girls liked me, even if my parent's refused to let me date. I just get tired of hearing high schooler these days bullshit all the time.

The Autopsy Shows It Was A Shaolin Blow

The Coletrain is one of us now. We are invincible!

Fusion of the five elements, searching for the higher intelligence... Sorry about that, now that I have completely shaved my head I am a lot more into Wu-Tang Clan. Most of my friends in college said I looked exactly like a Shaolin monk when I have no hair. Buddha would be a more apt comparison, but I do practice kung fu.

Cutting my own hair was almost like a journey towards self-reliance. I am used to spending $15 to let a professional give me a bald fade, or to sharpen my side burns and round out my natural/mini-fro. But last night, after having yet another weapon fail in fencing practice (and getting my ass handed to me in a Valentine's box) I knew it was time for a change.

Armed with a beard trimmer, a Schick Mach 3 razor, and a comb - I spent 80 minutes hacking away at my hair until it was completely gone. Or rather gone from my head and all over my bathroom. Now I know why people leave this task to the professionals. People at work like the look (especially the ladies), which bothers me now that I realize that only the 16 year old high school girls at fencing practice liked my hair before. It is a damned good thing I don't care what anyone thinks - else I would be real conflicted right about now.

But I am still the best... Wu-Tang!