A Strange Thing Happened On The Way To The Weekend

I like beer. It's tasty. It's delicious. I have proudly had a Guinness and a chocolate donut for breakfast, without shame. I know where the best beer specials are in Atlanta, and I try to sample them all.

At the same time, I work out to lose weight because I don't want to feel like Jabba the Hut when I have a girl with a better body than Princess Leia walking around the place. (Yes, it's a Star Wars reference. If there was a better one, I would have used it. Sue me. No, don't sue me. Please.)

However, the story I will tell you still annoyed me. One Friday night I was out with a couple folks from my fencing club. One of the group was a cute twentysomething who was a bit of a health nut who never ever went out. (Strangely, I know more than one girl like that here. I need to meet more people). Given that it was Friday, a nice beer seemed appropriate, especially since I wasn't hungry. We were at Taco Mac, a bar and grill known for its average Southwestern menu and its extensive beer list. To me, it made sense to pan the sub-par burrito, and go with the quality pale ale special. And then I hear this, "Don't do it. You don't want to gain weight, do you?"

My, my, what have we here. My first instinct was to reply, "You can kiss my black ass." And believe me, those words formed in my mouth. But a strange thing happened. I ordered a water with lemon instead.

I was tired from fencing, so the water tasted fine - but there I sat, cowed. Cowed not because I thought she was attractive (an understatement), not because I want to date her (I do, although our ideas of nightlife fun are worlds apart), nor even because I want to look good for her (if that was a make or break issue, I would have given up long ago). I backed down because she reminded me of one of someone from my past.

At first I thought the person was my older sister, but that would be too creepy. No, she reminded me of me - the me that existed before I went to that pledge assembly almost eight years ago. It was the night I was forced to listen to some fat white girl talk about how alcohol ruined her life. The same night I decided that this woman was a loser and full of crap, and that if she's sober, I need to be drinking. The eve before I failed my first and only class - and lived to tell the tale (and be better for it).

Before that evening, I was the arrogant smart kid who was extremely Christian and conservative. I would have late night loud arguments about abortion, I felt uncomfortable being alone with women, and I could convert binary numbers to hexadecimal numerals in my head. I listened to classical music, and only learned enough about hip-hop and Top 40 music just so I could communicate with my peers. Whenever I felt blue, I played chorales on my trombone. I dressed up for College Republicans meetings. My every waking hour not spent studying was spent with my nose in a book. And my nose was still hard and my head was still hot from all the fights and scraps in my public school career.

It was after that evening I learned that working my tail off for the rest of my youth was a sad arrangement. I realized that trying to convince people of anything against their will was a waste of time. I decided to master that easiest means of communication, charm. And I developed a taste for alcohol and other legal vices. My trombone was abandoned to its case, and I spent years rediscovering the music of the 1980s and 1990s that I had shunned when it was actually current.

That me is the one that convicted me that night. And as the topics strayed away from fencing and turned to the arts - opera, musicals, shows, etc; I couldn't help but realize as I watch the basketball game above my fellows' heads that I used to be interested in these arts - and I used to hate basketball. Then again, I used to hate sports and exercise in general. Part of me wanted to engage, but I felt like an outsider, a hanger-on who wanted no part of being the only cool kid at the table.

I don't feel I am worse off then before that fateful night. The charm and pragmatism that I picked up has helped prepare me for a much more lucrative and profitable sales career than of a hard-nosed analyst or something like that. I certainly have a LOT more fun, and people have even more fun around me. Even so, I still feel the need to oblige every now and anon the warnings of the spirit of my sober and less tactful past - even when it speaks through the mouth of a pretty Hispanic girl.

Which Gonzales Do You Prefer?

Seriously, what Gonzales would you rather hear about everyday? Do you want to here about Attorney General Gonzales latest power grab, or do you want to watch Speedy Gonzales defeat that silly gato?

And people wonder why grown men watch cartoons these days.

24: Would You Die For Jack Bauer?

You would die for me too...

So in addition to stopping another nuke (that's two so far, right? This season alone?), Jack finds out that his babygirl, Audrey Raines, is dead. Not only is she dead, she died trying to find him in China. In fact, she is the one who found out it was the Chinese that abducted him. My favorite line from last night was on this subject: "Audrey put her life on the line because she thought I was worth it!" I half expected him to add, "and not just because I am a champ in bed."

Since Jack's Dad and Graem seemed to be the only ones definite about what happened to him, and therefore may have planned Audrey's death - it looks like there will be yet another father son showdown. I wonder how this one will end. The only uncertainity about 24 is whether Jack will EVER get a happy ending.

At this point 24 is like turkey meat smoked in heroin... after a few bites I am addicted, but I am not sure why. Jack Bauer is officially the new Batman/Capt. Kirk - and I am really not into the superhero thing.

It's amazing how the newest science fiction drama is less farfetched than an action cop show. Battlestar Galactica (the new one) is becoming one of the best shows on television. Thanks to TiVo, I don't miss an episode. The plots are complicated, the good guys aren't great, the bad guys have their moments, and sometimes it is hard to root too hard for one side or the other.

Let's compare 24 vs. BG. Here is a synopsis of the latest from 24. Jack is rescued from a Russian Consulate, finds out where the terrorist and the bombs are. CTU fucks it up because there is a leak. CTU finds leak, while the Veep plans to nuke a random Arab country if another nuke blows up. Jack finds out Audrey is dead, gets pissed. Jack finds remote pilot of nuke armed drone, saves the day. VP decides to blow up Arab country anyway - making a cliffhanger. Gold.

Here is the latest from BG. Lee Adama, the Admiral's son, decides to defend Former President Baltar during his genocide trial. The Admiral and Lee have been at odds after another pilot, Kara, was killed. (Lee was in love with her, without realizing that the Admiral truly loved her as a daughter.) Everyone pretty much agrees that Balter is an asshole, so Lee isn't too popular. However, nothing is ever crystal clear. Through the cross-examinations - Lee has alienated everyone that cared about him and gave him support, including his soon to be ex-wife. Lee argues that he is protecting the system, while his wife points out there is something wrong with a system that supports an asshole like Balter. By the way, Lee gives up a chance to bang Kara to reconcile with his wife weeks ago. So now Lee is fatherless, womanless, no friends - all for trying to do the right and proper thing. What is the better show?

Plus, the new BG is headed up by Admiral Adama, portrayed by a great man named Edward James Olmos.

I'll cut you.

EJO is the original Latin badass. He was the original Castillo in Miami Vice! This is the guy who made frowning and mumbling the most threatening way to communicate. In fact, just for scale, here are the other Latin badasses in history in rank order.

1. Edward James Olmos
2. Julius Caesar
3. Scipio Africanus - Defeated Hannibal
4. Michael Corleone
5. Edward James Olmos
6. John Gotti
7. Speedy Gonzales
8. Pablo Escobar
9. Hernan Cortes
10. Franscisco Pizzaro

Edward James Olmos vs. Kiefer Sutherland. Who you got?