"Highlander: The Source" Took A Dump In My Brain

Umm, I'm getting paid in cash, right?

I feel like I found out Angelina Jolie is really a dude. Quite possibly the worst sequel ever made, beating out the imfamous Highlander: The Quickening. There is a three minute sequence where all you see is random pictures of Adrian Paul and Peter Wingfield, set shittily to a bad cover band butchering Queen's "Princes of the Universe." The only silver lining to this KFC Famous Bowl of a movie is that I watched it in the useless hours of between 8-10am on Sunday morning, and I felt the need to go to church afterward to repent of my blasphemy.

Literally twenty minutes in, I am all like, "I really don't have to watch this all the way through. I can pop in a DVD of the TV Highlander (3rd Season) back when Adrian Paul and Panzer actually gave a shit." Yes, Coletrain was willing to stop watching a Highlander movie premiere. If you know ANYTHING about me, that one concept should speak volumes to how incredibly bad this movie is. Someone got a pre-release version in Prague earlier in the year, and said it was absolute hell. You can see where the producers made last minute voice edits, added scenes, and just tried to make this movie only a steaming vs. a smoking pile of pigshit.

Here is the basic plot, because I wouldn't wish this film on anyone. Like Highlander 2, Highlander 5 (FIVE!!!) totally guts the whole premise of the movie. Here is the premise of the Highlander Universe in four basic steps.

1. Immortals are humans who cannot die (or have children) unless you cut off their head.
2. They cannot fight on holy ground.
3. When they kill each other, they gain the victims supernatural energy and memories, which accumulate until there are two left. The winner of the last duel gets it all, which is the prize. And they become mortal and can have kids.
4. Because of the point above, and these guys follow the "Rules" like a religion - they pretty much don't mind killing each other. And they live by the code, "There Can Be Only One."

Pretty crazy stuff, I know, but it is modern fantasy - and they fight with fucking swords. It's a guilty pleasure.

Here is how Highlander 5 fucks all that up. First, the main character forget about the prize, or they think that the Prize and the Source are one in the same. And they are skeptical it exists. Personally, I don't see how a guy who has lived for over 300 years and fucking glows when he kills people can be a skeptic. Next, you don't have to kill anyone to get the Source/Prize, you just have to be at the right place at the right time. So, the whole sword fighting - killing your best friends because of Rule #4 - all that goes out the fucking window. Oh, and Immortals aren't immortal anymore when they get close to the Source - so now the movie is about some fuckups who don't like fighting and some crazy albino BDSM guy chasing them. By the way, Duncan gets the prize, even though Methos and other unnamed immortals are still alive. So the whole, "There Can Be Only One" thing was bullshit. Fuck me with a shoehorn.

Thanks for the work! Can you drop me off at Rodz after the wrap tonight?

Highlander: The Source sucks balls. In the words of Duncan MacLeod in his last line, "I'm through with this."

UPDATE: Here is a less profanity laced, yet equally scaithing review.

Optimus Prime Was A Black Man

The Autobot version of the BHI


Just another reason you need to see Transformers this summer.

Highlander... And Other Date Movies

With this cast, it is worth another sequel!

Not too long ago I was bitching about Helen Mirren and her nutty movie Shadowboxer, also starring the other Cube. While I maintain that this movie is the worse date movie rental ever, the folks in the linked comments probably would agree. They would rather watch the movie alone with a box of Kleenex and private label Vaseline.

Shadowboxer is so bad, I actually ran an experiment to see if I could hook up while watching my favorite movie of all time, Highlander. Now, I chose this movie because a) many people who refer to themselves as my friends say it is absolutely horrible and is better portrayed by bunnies and b) in the worst case I still get to watch my favorite movie. Of course, I cheated and selected a Scottish girl as the test subject, and she was impressed that at least one character besides Sean Connery was actually Scottish. Other than that she hated the movie, but we still kicked it.

Other movies I know of that are better date movies than Shadowboxer:

• Ray
• Varsity Blues
• The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
• Evil Dead 2
• Higher Learning

Now of course I am not saying these movies will get you laid, if you need a movie to seal the deal you have no hope. But then again, Ray was the most sexualized movie I have seen outside porn, and The Good... is a movie that engenders both active watching and works as background noise.

Now if I find a girl who wants to hook up to Beavis and Butthead DVDs, I may just shop for a ring.

UPDATE: Highlander 5: The Source... In theatres this September! I will see it on my birthday!

UNSEXY UPDATE: Highlander: The Source was fucking awful!!!

Downward Spiral - TeacherSex On Film

Teachers banging students is part of the death nell of proper society, according to R.J. Stove at Taki's Top Drawer. Stove's review of Notes on a Scandal is a poignant look at Blairite Britain through its reflection on the silver screen.

While I tend to poke fun at the women involved in these scandals, in all seriousness it does represent a serious breakdown in society. Such actions undermine confidence in the educational system and authority at large. While there is an obvious silver lining for guys like me who are both libertarians and horny bastards - having children growing up without respect for authority and boundaries means extra money for me to spend on home security and a gun for my future wife.

Notes has been out for a while, but is still playing in smaller theatres. For a drama that is less dystopian than real, it seems like a sound bet.

Don't Like "300?" Then You Are Gay

Hey, I don't make the rules...

300 was the best movie playing this weekend. It has everything: gore, blood, war, death, glory, honor, plus plenty of tits for good measure. The best tag lines during the battle were real - quoted by Herodotus himself. It was an epic battle that was begging for a proper treatment by Hollywood, and finally got it. If you couldn't get into this movie - then chances are you should buy plenty of lube, 'cause you are probably gay.

Don't think so? Just check out some of the guys who reviewed this movie below (ratings normalized by Yahoo! Movies).

This is Kyle Smith. He gave "300" a C. This guy is so fruity. He called Gerard Butler, "Onan the Barbarian." Smith wants to lick Leonidas' nut off the ground. Sorry bro, Leonidas only likes real men, like you said "Leonidas is a king who just doesn't like queens." Ms. Kyle, you get an F.
Here's Wesley Morris, he gave "300" a C. Look at this fruit basket. I would figure he would be into a "piece of Hollywood action porn." After seeing your date, I know why you think that the fact Spartans "died to keep the Hot Gates from turning into another gay disco" is a bad thing.
Bob Longino, however, is a bit more manly. He gave the 300 a B. While I question his hetersexuality when he knocks "Paul Bunyan trotting about with a baby blue ox," anyone who mentions the tits present in the movie and a steel cage not there in his review is got to have some sort of manliness.
Richard Roeper, now he is a man's man. He gave "300" an A. Look at that million dollar smile and that thumb's up pose. Looks like he is a lady's man too! This is a guy who can appreciate a real man's movie like the "300." Listen to this quote," This is a movie that revels in a time when men were men and women were women, and the men loved the women but spent most of their time fighting with other men." Now this is a guy who reads history! Let's hear some more. "This is the kind of film that presents battlefield beheadings with the same slow-motion poetry it employs for a soft-core sex sequence, and if you're offended by that, you're at the wrong flick. " Hear that? This movie kicks ass all over the place, and if you don't like it - you can go to the next theatre and watch Mr. Lundegaard and Big Momma try to ride motorcycles with the rest of the fudgepackers.

If you are a real man, or a real woman - go see "300," and you better like it.

Before She Was Queen of England... She Was Duchess of

Wait, I am supposed to get naked and get on top of her?

Apparently I don't know much about Helen Mirren. I knew she played both Queen Elizabeths (of England), and that she likes burgers and not being a Hollywood snob. I didn't know she enjoyed doing sex scenes with younger black men. Wow.

Last weekend I had a girl over and watched Shadowboxer (2005), starring Helen Mirren, Cuba Gooding Jr, Stephen Dorff, and Mo`Nique as a fat crackwhore. While I still have yet to write my own article about "movies to bang by," this is definitely not one of them. The plot goes something like this - Mirren's character rescues Gooding as a child from an abusive home, and trains him to be an assasin and an animal in the sack. As she nears death by cancer (and old age), she sets him up with a younger woman and a child to protect from the woman's husband (who paid the couple to kill her). Lots of weird sex and shooting ensues.

This movie is bad for a lot of reasons. First off, I cannot reconcile Helen Mirren as a sex symbol. While I recognize she has a decent rack and she was probably irresistable in "The Extravaganza of Golgotha Smuts" - she is still friggin 62 years old. I'm still in my twenties... I can't do it. Second is Stephen Dorff's character, a guy with crosses hanging everywhere who shoots his most loyal servant for talking too loud while he porks some ho in the next room. I never bought into the pure evil characters - nothing in film or life is ever that one dimensional. Lastly, there is a whole lot of dude in this movie. Naked dude. I saw Dorff's dork hanging out, Cuba's cock going under Mirren's dress and lighting her up, and let's not forget the slow zoom into Gooding's ass crack. Although the fact that I saw Vanessa Ferlito masturbate during the scene helped ease the pain.

The best thing about this movie besides Ferlito's rack was the demonization of Mo'Nique. The second you saw her hit that crack pipe, you knew she was gonna fuck everybody over. You can never trust a crackhead. I can't stand that chick - with her "holier than thou" radio show, or her "beauty pagent"/4-H show where she says that thicker is better... People might say I am superficial, but here's the deal - if you are overweight, you are gonna have health problems, and that is just gonna cause financial and emotional pain for yourself and the ones you care about as you get older. I am not in perfect health, but I am working to get there. Simply saying it isn't a problem isn't gonna help anyone. Which is why Mo`Nique is gonna get taken to her grave in a bulldozer.

Fuck Mo`Nique.