Bask in Greatness

Sometimes, the hard work you put in gets the results you expect. Other times, hard work reminds you that no matter the outcome - you can take pride in overcoming the obstacles along the way. Life truly is a journey, not a destination.

The NFL Has Returned

Leave the titty, take your ass to the field!

And not a moment too soon. For some reason, the offseason felt a lot longer and more painful this year. Then again, thanks to Tank Johnson, Brady Quinn, Brian Urlacher's lucky bastard hand, Pacman Jones, Joey Porter, and of course Michael Vick - the NFL was never NOT in the news. It will be nice to hear about a player actually playing football - instead of being an idiot, or killing himself, or whatever.

As for predictions I like everyone else expect a lot of good things from the Saints. I am especially excited about the pairing of Tom Brady and Randy Moss. Moss never, ever lived up to his potential, but the Patriots under Belichick's leadership won't let Randy slack off like he did in Minnesota and Oakland. I love my Chiefs, but I am not holding my breath. Besides, the Chiefs are the most fun to watch around Week 13 - by this point they have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs and somehow they summon up enough energy to make sure their late season opponents can join them on the couch. I think the Falcons will do ok... you can't honestly expect a team who lost three quarterbacks in one offseason to do especially well.

And given I spend way too much time on this site, I can't help but give a shout out to Kissing Suzy Kolber. This site is one of the best sportsblogs in the Universe, and today's "NFL Kickoff Bukkake" has been nothing short of amazing. It's days like this I am happy I have graduated from the cubicle farm... closing my door so no one sees me laughing my ass off is a grand priviledge.

Joe Naimath - Even when he doesn't get the girl, he begets greatness.

Still With Ookie

Michael Vick pled guilty to federal conspiracy charges today. Had he not been a celebrity, I am confident that the Feds would have stayed out of it. Vick, or Ookie, has made a lot of mistakes in his young life - and now is a wasted talent.

If any good is to come out of this, the betrayal by Vick's associates in Bad Newz Kennels may inspire other athletes and musicians with entourages or crews to dump them. After all, these are the guys who start all the problems and give their principals bad press. Loyalty was the only thing these hangers-on had to offer, and Vick's sad state proves that loyalty only goes so far.

While the Falcons will go on under the leadership of Joey Harrington, I still feel sick about how this whole play ended. The NFL has had its share of bad actors, yet it's Vick who feels the wrath of public opinion over some dogs. Right now Vick is a more caustic entity than O.J. Simpson. One theory is being said in whispers that get louder by the day, but it is very true: if Ookie had just attacked some girl instead of doing the dog thing, he would be playing tonight. That is just sad.

No Guy Wants to Be A Good Catch

A funny thing happened on my long death march through my mid-twenties. After the wild years of fraternity life, mostly as an alumnus; picking up girls from Indiana to Iceland; breaking up with women for as frivolous a reason as I didn't like how they walked (pre-coitus anyway); going on ten day benders; some how, in spite of all the shit I pulled, I became a "good catch."

No single guy wants to hear something like that from anyone besides his mother. This term signals two important non mutually exclusive things: a) this guy is too "good" for meaningless yet incredibly fun random hookups, and/or b) this guy is a great long term provider and must be isolated and made miserable. Unless you are in a culture that promotes arranged marriages - an indictment of "good catch" means a very frustrating social life.

Honestly, the label does no good at all. No one wants to be the guy she didn't feel comfortable using him like a rag doll until she felt worthy of him. Everyone young guy wants to be the dude a girl will fuck but is too ashamed to talk about with her parents.

In this post-feminist world we live in, parents and families at large don't have much say in who a woman chooses to date, marry, or "fuck and chuck." Without that objective, nuisanced, and wise counsel - many women are destined to make horrible mistakes in romance, and what man doesn't want to be that "mistake?" Good god, O.J. fucking Simpson is still getting strange! (hat tip to Deadspin.)


I get around! Round and Round! Round and Round!

Maybe some killers are great in the sack, who knows. Hell, one of my friends from work saw a bunch of girls in the club hitting on none other than Magic Johnson! I'm still trying to wrap my head around this one - if you are saavy enough to know who he is, how could you not know he has fucking AIDS. Yes, the uncurable and debilitating disease that everyone in the world should know he has. These guys aren't good catches, yet given the circumstances, they are doing amazingly well.

Why even bother with being a "good catch?" Besides alleged killers (who all but admit to the crime in a book) and longtime AIDS victims, here is a short list of "bad catches" who get all kinds of ass.

• Drug dealers - Chicks like the flash
• Drug users - Chicks are cheap
• Alleged rapists - Chicks like experience
• Deadbeat dads - Chicks like drama
• Drunken assholes - Chicks like fun (maybe ending the bender was a bad idea)

With over half of all first time marriages ending in divource, there isn't a lot of hope for guys who want to settle down while they are young, eager, and stupid. If a guy wants to get married in his thirties, being labeled a "good catch" only assures a long, and boring wait.

Our Darkest Tale Yet

Sometimes these things aren't even funny, even if the woman in question is actually attractive. There is just something wrong with a 51 year old woman having a party filled with at least 80 underage drunken kids, all while her own 16 year old son is battling cancer. It gets better when police learn that she straight up raped one of the kids at the party for four months. As I have noticed, lately these stories aren't giving a whole lot of detail to the particulars - but if the prosecutor initially charges you with rape AND sodomy, well that paints a clearer picture.

So today Jeni Lee Dinkel was ordered to serve 60 days of her two year sentence, over the objections of her husband, sick son, and the prosecutor. Maybe if her husband Tom could have racked up more than one interception for 20 yards over seven seasons with the Bengals, Jeni could have occupied her time with other things besides having drunken parties with high schoolers at her house.

The mother of the victim was quick to point out that this whole ordeal wasn't a fullfillment of "Stacy's Mom," but a crime of harrassment and manipulation. Even I balked at Dinkel sending 20 text messages a day and claims of being pregnant by the boy. Getting calls/messages like that is scary as fuck, and I am an adult with a job!

This story really just pushes me towards losing faith in all humanity.

This tip comes from my boy Nati, who is smarter than Stephen Hawking and gets way more chicks.

At This Rate, He Would Be Better Off On The Weather Channel

Roger Goodell must be having a fit today. The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports today that Pacman Jones was at the scene of a fight in an Atlanta Area strip club that ended in a highway shoot out between his entourage and another group of men. So far, only one person is reported to have minor injuries.

After Jones' meeting with NFL Commissioner Goodell, Jones was to undertake a strict schedule of online classes and staying the fuck out of trouble. His reward would have been the right to play six games instead of zero this season. That possiblity has all but vanished.

Pacman never seemed to learn the lesson that being in the wrong place at the wrong time is almost as bad as doing the wrong thing. I love strippers, and boobs are great - but they aren't worth giving up a career in the NFL.

Come on Pacman, please, make it stop (raining).

You Better Grab An Umbrella

Who knew that a song that inspired an NFL prodigy to beat up a stripper in Vegas and led to the maiming of a chivalrous bouncer could be so catchy? "Make It Rain" is probably going to be copyrighted by the NFL, just like the terms "Super Bowl" and "The Guarantee."

And now there is a remix? Check out the video above featuring Fat Joe, Lil Wayne, T. I., and everybody's favourite lover next to the buttered rolls - R. Kelly.

R. Kelly does rule - after all, he is "drilling these chicks like Major Payne!" His harmonizing of the line "I make it rain on them hoes" sounds pretty enough to sing to your wife on your wedding day. I wouldn't advise it though.