At This Rate, He Would Be Better Off On The Weather Channel

Roger Goodell must be having a fit today. The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports today that Pacman Jones was at the scene of a fight in an Atlanta Area strip club that ended in a highway shoot out between his entourage and another group of men. So far, only one person is reported to have minor injuries.

After Jones' meeting with NFL Commissioner Goodell, Jones was to undertake a strict schedule of online classes and staying the fuck out of trouble. His reward would have been the right to play six games instead of zero this season. That possiblity has all but vanished.

Pacman never seemed to learn the lesson that being in the wrong place at the wrong time is almost as bad as doing the wrong thing. I love strippers, and boobs are great - but they aren't worth giving up a career in the NFL.

Come on Pacman, please, make it stop (raining).

You Better Grab An Umbrella

Who knew that a song that inspired an NFL prodigy to beat up a stripper in Vegas and led to the maiming of a chivalrous bouncer could be so catchy? "Make It Rain" is probably going to be copyrighted by the NFL, just like the terms "Super Bowl" and "The Guarantee."

And now there is a remix? Check out the video above featuring Fat Joe, Lil Wayne, T. I., and everybody's favourite lover next to the buttered rolls - R. Kelly.

R. Kelly does rule - after all, he is "drilling these chicks like Major Payne!" His harmonizing of the line "I make it rain on them hoes" sounds pretty enough to sing to your wife on your wedding day. I wouldn't advise it though.

Five Nightlife Activities More Fun Than Making It Rain

I could do better than that.

Pacman Jones is in trouble. And according to his family, he just has a habit of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. At nearly 24, he is already involved in an nearly deadly shooting, among other craziness as he tries to settle in the NFL.

While I am sure Pacman has a lot of personal issues to resolve, I am willing to take his family at his word - that he is around the wrong kind of people and just doesn't know how to have some fun without getting into trouble.

Given that I am a 27 year old single black man in Atlanta, I can be a bit of a mentor to Pacman Jones. My sights aren't on playing in the NFL, but I've never been a witness/suspect in a shooting either. But young guys are supposed to have fun - so here are five things that Pacman could do with his millions without getting into trouble. My brother, this is for you.

1. Keep your $81K on your debit card, not in a Hefty bag. The last time I saw $81,000 was on a tax return (definitely not my bank account) - so even I wouldn't have had the restraint seen in the above video not to snatch at money floating all around. You want to impress your friends at a strip club? Use your cash to reserve the VIP spot, and get lap dances all around... Depending on the reputation of the club, the more respectful you are to the girls (and the more money you have) the more the girls are willing to do besides just wiggle. Everyone - patrons, girls, owners - leaves with a smile on their face. My friends and I have done it for MUCH less than what Pacman pays in sales tax.

2. Use a car service. Drinking and driving is a huge problem, but it really burns me when rich people do it. Most major cities have private car services, or at least you can arrange them with limo groups in town. They don't cost terribly more than a cab - and the cars give you an air of class and make you look more generous than you are (that means more girls). I use them in NYC and DC, and it makes me come off as a pimp. And I have never had a DUI.

3. Work a nightclub's VIP room. The problem with Pacman is not that he is a thug, but he has the thug types with him. If you really have to have your best friend from third grade who never made it around - hook him up in the VIP. Free drinks, and a message for the bouncer that only hot girls and your friends get to move in and out freely. If I know anything at all, there is nothing that soothes the savage beast like a drunken hottie. Just make sure she is down to clown, or this idea might get you on the news as well. After the club closes, move the party to a hotel or something. I've done it, it works, it gets wild.

4. Hang out with just me, myself, and I. Everyone needs room to breathe, as do you. Depending on the city, you might get recognized - but if you abandon the "security" you will have a much better time relaxing. And hey, if you make it out to a classy bar and a cute lady chats you up, well - you might have a surprisingly good evening without involving the police. I travel for work and have done this in cities across the West... awesome.

5. Just like Kid 'n Play... House Party. There are three things you need to have to make this work: a great location, plenty of drinks and food, and a tight guest list. Location is important... you are always better off renting a secluded house and paying some Hefty bag money to have it professionally cleaned when you are done. Make sure to have plenty of booze so that no one get rowdy, and plenty of food so no one dies from alcohol poisoning. I would limit the contraband if I were you. Lastly, the guest list... you are a popular guy, so keep it tight. This is your opportunity to make a (good) name for yourself - so be VERY selective. If you get a reputation for throwing great parties, you can use this as leverage to invite reporters so they will write more favorable stories about you. House parties are always the most fun parties bar none, which is why so many college fraternities have them, and adults go out of their way to plan them. For someone with $81,000 to literally throw around - it is a way to have the best time possible, improve your image, and stay out of trouble. Hey, its how I roll...

Best of luck!