Making The World A Better Place

Ahh, I feel better.

Life has been interesting - in a bad way - lately, and frankly I have put up with a lot of bullshit that I typically squash in about ten seconds. It's almost enough to put me into a funk, until I saw this.

Boobs! Boosh!

Few things put me in a good mood like nice healthy rack. And if a less endowed woman aspires to that end - or front, as it were - then more power to her. I am behind the eight ball on this operation, but then again I found out about it from a woman here in ATL who just signed up. And of course, if she gets them, I get to touch them. Look, no hands!

Guys, if you absolutely must spend your money on women, don't buy them hoes a drink, do the Lord's work. We are all counting on you.

A Man's Guide To The Topless Beach

That's neat! Can you tell time with a watch too?

Few things are more uplifting in the summertime than the topless beach. You and your friends are walking along, and then out of nowhere God shines his blessed rays of sunlight on a pair of beautiful tan titays. Our male unevolved brains want to instantly sport wood, turn our eyes in to sauce plates, and our hands into tense boob sized claws. Our male unevolved brains also has no concept of jail. Thankfully, the 10% of the brain we men do use knows what jail is, and is willing to learn what it takes to enjoy the bountiful goodness of the topless beach, without causing undue offense. Here are some tips.

• Wear sunglasses, especially your first time. Sunglasses mask the natural radarlike twisting your neck will do as you look from one succulent chest to another. Plus a decent pair of sunglasses help you feel cool, which will help down the road.
• Avoid twisting your neck like a radar dish. It makes you look like an amateur, and a little creepy. Instead, take in a large view and focus on interesting points from right to left.
• Try to have a general smile the whole time. This will help you avoid a reflexive shit-eating grin when you see a Scarlett Johannsen calibre set.
• Take about ten minutes to scout out your general area, then establish a base a few yards from any topless girls you will be approaching.
• Once you set up base camp, take a dip in the water (bringing along any frisbees, footballs, etc)... this will calm your nerves and give any perspectives a chance to look at you.
• IF you see a benuded girl you want to chat up, be sure to approach her from a vector where she can easily see you coming. Also call out to her from a close, yet safe distance.
• When chatting, maintain eye contact and smile. If she hasn't put on her top by now, feel free to hazard an easy yet quick glance.
• If over the course of your conversation she still hasn't put on her top, feel free to make a cute comment about how the tanning is coming along. If she is not with a significant male other, feel free to offer her a drink.

Follow these rules, and you are guaranteed a day of beautiful views and bountiful scenery.

GRΣΣK - Making Me Fall For Dilshad

Rumours about ABC Family's new college drama, GRΣΣK, have circulated around the internet for months. I watched the pilot last night, and it wasn't bad. The main character plays a guy who lived out life as a high school nerd and realizes that college is the last stop for unfettered fun and idiocy on the road to adulthood and eventual death. The language was quite strong for tweener oriented ABC Family, and I never thought I would hear the phrase "irony is a bitch" on a CBN affiliate. Hell, this show was followed up by the 700 Club for heaven's sake.

The show did remind me a lot of my times as an active in greek life; given I was drinking pretty heavily last night (making up for lost time in Miami), I appreciated the irony of the "please drink responsibly" message card at the conclusion of the show.

While I had no idea that Kelsey Grammer had a hot daughter, the biggest surprise for me was the introduction of Rebecca, played by the lovely Dilshad Vadsaria.





Dilshad's character plays the alpha rushee, daughter of a senator and supreme desi seductress. Thankfully we get to see her in various stages of undress in the pilot, and it seems that she will have a strong role throughout the series. Given that she is a strong women's rights advocate and speaks French, I doubt she is Muslim - which is all the better. Hiding a beautiful face and body like hers under a burka or the like would be a much bigger sin than binge drinking.

Call me!

Am I Crazy, Or Does This Look Kinda Hot?

I could be nuts, I may fence too much, but I gotta admit - I think this is one of the hottest photos I have seen of Lindsay Lohan.

I really don't have anything to follow it up with, except that this weekend I let a girl bite my finger until the bone crunched. I am not sure what that says about her, or me.

Courtesy of WWTDD.

Designer Vaginas Are All The Rage

When I read this article today, I wasn't sure if I was in pain, or about to die laughing. While vaginal rejuvenation and hymen reconstruction surgery is awesome for turning a dirty Muslim slut into a virginal and holy young maid, that just doesn't seem to be enough.

The next step is elective genitoplasty, or the "designer vagina." Rather than make the woman tighter, or erase the evidence that she was a whore in college - this operation simply makes the vag look "prettier." Women who get the surgery do bring pics of the way they want to look, but also complain of lifestyle limitations.

These restrictions included inability to wear tight clothing, go to the beach, take communal showers or ride a bicycle comfortably, or avoidance of some sexual practices.

Men, however, do not usually want the size of their genitals reduced for such reasons. Furthermore, they find alternative solutions for any discomfort arising from rubbing or chaffing of the genitals. [italics mine]

Let's see - can't wear tight clothes or bikinis, no cowgirl, but a perfect argument for anal? Sounds like a toss-up to me.

In Defense of the Asshole

I've been a bad bad boy.


Sometimes being an asshole is a viable defense. Last night I was driving home from a friend's housewarming party, and I really didn't want to go home. It was only midnight, but since I will be in Miami Beach for a week this summer fencing, partying, and getting hammered - I kinda need to conserve funds. As I started driving up I-75 towards home, I sped past my exit as my feet decided to side with my dick and head up to Lassiter's on Cobb Parkway.

There are few things special about Lassiter's. The beer isn't all that cheap, the food is tasty but not special. It looks and feels like a dive, and it sits in a minor shopping center. In terms of Hotlanta trendiness, its not even on the radar screen. Even so, it has a charm all it's own - from the exhaustive poster of bad blonde jokes above the john in the men's bathroom, to the tiny dancefloor that sits in the doorway between the game room and the dining area.

In terms of talent, there is some, but not a lot. The competition for that talent, however, is non-existent. In other words, I am the only guy who ever bothers to talk to the two cute girls in the room. In this case there was a cute thirtysomething blonde, and her quiet brunette friend. The two were playing pool, the blonde seemed to be kicking ass, the brunette really didn't know what she was doing. After making my way over to a table near theirs - the three of us started talking, and when the waiter moved my beer to their hightop table - well, he did my work for me. After many beers, a few games of pool, and dancing on the tiny dancefloor - I wasn't sure where things were going to go. Both girls had boyfriends, and the blonde, Megan, insisted on my number so she could set me up with a friend or something. Claire, the brunette, protested that they don't know me, and that I could be just pretending to be a nice guy.

At that point I said, "Claire, I'm an asshole." Megan argued that I wasn't, but I declared I was. It seems counterintuitive, but I've found when talking to women for the first time you are better off declaring your bad intentions than promoting your good ones, however sincere they may or may not be. Women are afraid of being lied to in a bar, and rightly so. Being upfront about the fact that you aren't trying to impress anyone, that you are only interested in having a good time - gives whoever you are talking to the opportunity to understand what they are dealing with, and to take it or leave it. With friends of their boyfriends watching, the girls were in a complex situation, because since I had hands and a bit of lipstick all over me, I knew they were interested in being bad. We would have never approached this juncture if I tried to mask myself with the veil of being "a nice guy."

This Brightened My Day

Few times (read: almost never) is a shirt with HTML tags actually clever AND kinda hot. Even more rare is the occasion that a basic knowledge of how HTML modifies text is absolutely necessary to get a sexy sexy joke.




Then again, she is hot with big cans. Everything else is just background noise.

24: Girls Girls Girls

Damn, Jack.

Last night was insane. Fake nukes. Jack Bauer killing everyfuckingbody. Milo thinks with his dick. Tits McGee is alive. Evil Chinaman is still in picture.

Let's start with the interesting stuff. Milo is a tough guy, taking a bullet to save Jack's booty call, but man he is a pussy. Once a hot female gets in the picture he turns into a catty bitch like Rachel McAdams in Mean Girls. First Chloe, the lucky booty call, and now Nadia, the star of a 1001 Sexy Arabian Nights. Nadia likes new Agent Scott because he actually knows the Koran, and what woman can resist a guy who can quote Shari'a law as he punches her kitty doggy. The next few episodes are gonna focus on Milo hating getting out played and what really happened with Scott in Denver.

Everywhere I go, I see the same...

The next biggest thing is Audrey, Tits McGee, is still alive. Keep in mind that Jack hasn't gotten laid since he pounded the single mother previous to the first hour of Day 5. Now that Jack knows he can finally get some after months of Chinese torture - nothing is getting in his way.

Nadia and Audrey, these two will make next week's episode actually interesting.

Oh, and the suitcase nukes were secured. Yay.

High on LSE

"Even if you're terrible - they don't know the difference!"

Low self esteem can be the worst/greatest aphrodisiac out there. The idea that nothing is beneath you can make for some wild nights, and horrible memories. Too many times I ended up following a girl home or making out with her in a club because she broke up/fought with her boyfriend and needed to prove to herself she could still bag a great guy. Brian Griffin is right, it can take a lot out of you.

This Just Made My Day...

Yoko Matsugane Jumping - Watch a funny movie here

I gave up on my Asian fetish soon after college when I didn't close the deal with quite possibly the horniest East Asian girl I have ever met. My friends from Wash U and I were at a fraternity party in Bloomington back in 2002, and long story short... after the third bump and grind song with a short, slender, pretty Chinese girl - I should have been looking for an empty room. Instead we continued dancing until she got tired and left.

This video might rekindle anyone's yellow fever.

Touche! Bout Goes to Quiznos

Sorry Jared, you lost this round. Not even Michael Strahan and John Cena can argue against this pretty little thing.

I am going to Quiznos...

Highlander... And Other Date Movies

With this cast, it is worth another sequel!

Not too long ago I was bitching about Helen Mirren and her nutty movie Shadowboxer, also starring the other Cube. While I maintain that this movie is the worse date movie rental ever, the folks in the linked comments probably would agree. They would rather watch the movie alone with a box of Kleenex and private label Vaseline.

Shadowboxer is so bad, I actually ran an experiment to see if I could hook up while watching my favorite movie of all time, Highlander. Now, I chose this movie because a) many people who refer to themselves as my friends say it is absolutely horrible and is better portrayed by bunnies and b) in the worst case I still get to watch my favorite movie. Of course, I cheated and selected a Scottish girl as the test subject, and she was impressed that at least one character besides Sean Connery was actually Scottish. Other than that she hated the movie, but we still kicked it.

Other movies I know of that are better date movies than Shadowboxer:

• Ray
• Varsity Blues
• The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
• Evil Dead 2
• Higher Learning

Now of course I am not saying these movies will get you laid, if you need a movie to seal the deal you have no hope. But then again, Ray was the most sexualized movie I have seen outside porn, and The Good... is a movie that engenders both active watching and works as background noise.

Now if I find a girl who wants to hook up to Beavis and Butthead DVDs, I may just shop for a ring.

UPDATE: Highlander 5: The Source... In theatres this September! I will see it on my birthday!

UNSEXY UPDATE: Highlander: The Source was fucking awful!!!

Since I Don't Care About College Hoops...

No upsets, better seeding.

I bring you this - The Big Picture's "Who Would You Do" Tournament. This tournament is filled with all the misogyny, horniness, and disdain of college basketball that you normally expect from TFDS. My picks for the Real Fine Final Four:

• Erin Andrews
• Melissa Stark
• Pam Oliver
• Suzy Kolber

Damn, I miss football.

Where Have All The Good Girls Gone?

Atlanta is filled with some nutty women. Many of them have their exploits recorded here, others... well I just don't want that kind of information getting out. One girl who I have lost track of is a fan of Craiglist's casual encounters section. For those of you who don't know - this online red light district is the perfect place for women and gay men to troll for horny guys. But before you guys rush to click the link - keep in mind the ratios are NOT in your favor. And most hetero female ads are pretty much porn sites.

One exception was a girl who ran this very interesting summer blog. Basically this chick runs around malls near major office buildings, and teases guys over lunch. Here is one gem.

Those who know me also know I am a flirt and a tease that’ll do things that one wouldn’t expect when you least expect. When we met after a quick hug, I sat back down in my car and took off my panties. My skirt was incredibly short and he just about flipped.

Of course, I found out about this girl during the time I spent most of my days sleeping, swimming, fencing, and watching Charmed (Rose, call me!) and Law and Order. We had some limited correspondence, but she wisely kept her vital contact info under wraps. Interestingly enough, she inspired other Atlanta women to do similar acts - only they didn't stop at teasing.

Part of me thinks this is all bullshit, but then again I wasn't joking when I said earlier that I met a woman here who had an impromptu orgy with her moving crew. Atlanta does have a flashy veneer, but under it is a wildness that defies belief. Of course, seeing is believing.

Wow, She Has Some Moves!

I was always fascinated by women wrestlers... I have wrestled with lots of women, most even well below my weight class (thank God). But to see them use actual Greco-Roman techniques, and not such WWE tactics like the pile driver, or bedroom tactics like the backwards cowgirl - and still be sexy is a treat. Thank you With, Leather.

Or if you are interested in nonsexy women's wrestling, make a road trip over to Missouri Valley. Douche.