Congrats Danica!

Congratulations to Danica Patrick on her first Indy win! Sure it took 50 tries, and she was forced to weight down her car to compensate for her weight advantage - but now people can finally stop giving her the business.

Personally, I don't mind women drivers, especially when they drive me. I get to sleep more and drink more with not a care in the world.

Apparently Japanese men like female drivers too.





Happy Monday people!

Here's to Mizzou

I can't remember when Mizzou wasn't awful. Watching Mizzou killing Kansas playing for the top of college football was like a dream. A weird completely unrealistic dream. If Heidi Klum was sitting next to me instead of my friend's sister I would have grabbed a hammer and hit my head so I would never wake up.

Go Tigers, all the way! We at The Tales are behind you!

Boozing With Deadspin

Sports for millenia has brought diverse people together in fellowship. This fact was especially true at last Friday's Deadspin Pants Party at Turner Field. There is nothing like baseball, beer, and barbeque to start the weekend right. It was also kinda cool to meet the man who introduced me to "Herpes #7".

Like every young professional I know in Atlanta, as well as many of the local PP attendees, I rarely actually put out my hard-earned money to see the Braves at home. Whether it was due to access to my company's tickets, or a connection to someone with corporate seats or boxes; the typical expenses for Braves games was gas and beer. So shelling out $60 for a previously free good was daunting - that is until you considered the all you can drink and eat special. The Atlanta Braves organization really came up with a winner with this idea... No less than half the locals I spoke to claimed that they typically don't pay for seats, but made an exception for unlimited booze.

Since this was my first time paying to be on the Lexus level, and my first time at an internet organized sport blogger/commenter event, I decided to take some pictures.






Even though Atlanta is the home of Lil' Jon, flash, and crunk, it was still surprisingly hilarious to find that the entrance to the box seats and all you can drink was on the Lexus level.






I was the guinea pig for my friends for this special; they assumed the free food might be crap. Far from it, the barbeque pork and wings were very tasty, and were kept that way by a couple of awesome ladies.





Meeting Will Leitch for the first time was pretty cool, especially since he was the only face I recognized besides UkraineNotWeak who sold me my ticket. For a snarky and hilarious sports writer, he exudes a refreshing Midwestern charm.

Along with Will, everyone was quite friendly and interesting - from the man behind Every Day Should Be Saturday with his flaming couch shirt, to the lovely lady known as DieEliDie - who still felt the need to explain the reference given that most who frequent the sports blogosphere (like everyone at this party) know both the lesser Manning and every major Simpsons meme by heart.




Speaking of lovely ladies - as the night wore on, I happy noted that for a gathering of sports blog writers and commentors - the male/female ratio wasn't bad. I wasn't counting on that, but its a nice detail to mention when my non Deadspin-saavy friends ask what I did Friday night. I can't wait for the next one.

The only unfortunate thing was that the booze and barbeque free for all ends during the seventh inning. Which is normally ok, except when D-Backs pitcher Brandon Webb is marching towards breaking Orel Hershiser's 59 straight scoreless inning record. Thanks Webb, I could only get down seven beers, two pork sandwiches, and a hot dog before the end of the gravy train thanks to you. Jerk.

Harbaugh's Right....Michigan Sucks

First off, I have never in all my days met anyone of substance from the University of Michigan. Academically, the place is a joke. The other thing is they're relentless cheaters on the gridiron. I mean, really, all those offensive lineman bought those Lincoln Navigators with their own money? Really????? Harbaugh should be proud that Mike 'Pottery Works 101' Hart doesn't consider him a 'Michigan man,' because that mostly constitutes taking cash from boosters, doing blow, and failing 8th grade reading classes.

ANN ARBOR, Mich. (AP) -- Michigan players and coaches are lashing out at Jim Harbaugh over remarks the former Wolverines quarterback and current Stanford coach made about his alma mater in a newspaper interview.Michigan tailback Mike Hart says he has no respect for Harbaugh."He's not a Michigan man, and I wish he had never played here," Hart said this week during the Big Ten media meetings in Chicago. "I've never met him, and I don't want to."

Harbaugh in May told the San Francisco Examiner that Michigan admitted athletes who were borderline academically, then steered them into less-challenging courses to keep them eligible."They're adulated when they're playing," Harbaugh was quoted as saying. "But when they get out, the people who adulated them won't hire them."Harbaugh later told The Ann Arbor News that even serious student athletes are encouraged to take easier majors. Coach Lloyd Carr called Harbaugh's comments "elitist" and "arrogant.""Do I think they're elitist? Yeah," Carr told The Detroit News on Wednesday. "Arrogant? Yes. Self-serving? Yes."

Hart hinted that Harbaugh has blown his chance of ever coaching the Wolverines."He can say what he said and not talk about Michigan. ... There's always a coaching ladder," Hart told the Detroit Free Press. "He coached at San Diego and could have spent a (few) years at Stanford and maybe come to Michigan. But I don't know what he was thinking. It was a dumb move."

Gary Migdol, a Stanford athletic department spokesman, did not offer immediate comment when contacted Thursday by The Associated Press.

I'm With Ookie

I love dogs. Really, I do. And if Michael Vick turns out to be the Don King of dogfighting, he should be punished. At the very least, this whole episode should encourage every professional athlete to hire one guy to say, "you know what, let's just make it a Blockbuster night" whenever bad ideas are put out in the open. (I'm free!) At this point, however, universal condemnation is not in order.

Just today, former prosecutor Michael Nifong admitted in open court that he had no hard evidence against the Duke lacrosse players before he ripped their lives to shreds. No qualifications, just a pure admission of guilt. Were it not for bloggers like William Anderson over at Lewrockwell.com and the large purses of the player's families - they would be on trial right now, and still universally condemned in the court of public opinion. Let's not forget Kobe Bryant, while not the picture of perfect husbandry, he has no reason to force himself on easy white girls either. He also faced universal condemnation until the facts began to show us the way from the darkness of innuendo to the light of truth.

Michael Vick is no Pacman Jones. Pacman is suspended for a full season because for whatever reason, the man is constantly arrested, is always on a police blotter, and because of his actions another man may never walk again. Michael Vick has never been arrested, and while he has made some bad decisions off the field as of late - he has not, even now, helped to bring down the overall image of the Atlanta Falcons or the National Football League. He is no saint, but he is no super sinner either.

The worst is that any attempt to salvage his good name by his fellow players and other writers is immediately shouted down. Peter King's abuse of the great athlete and well liked Emmitt Smith was uncalled for, and the fact that he cited former Klansman and top KKK recruiter Sen. Robert Byrd in his attack was violently offensive.

I love dogs. But ruining the career of a living man for the sake of dogs long dead before a conviction is morally wrong.

Heading to Miami Tomorrow

It has been two years since I have been on a week long vacation. The last one was in Iceland in 2005; the one before that was a grand tour of the midwest through Indianapolis, Chicago, St. Louis, with a quick jaunt to New Jersey. This time I will be staying with one of my friends in Coral Gables, about 20 min away from the fencing venue. Can't beat free.

I am bringing my camera, so there should be good pictures. I don't have an appropriate nickname for my friend, and she didn't like that she was called years ago by one of my fraternity brothers (something along the lines of "one of" and "hoes"), but she should have one by the time I get back.

I will be in town from June 28-July 9, fencing on July 2 and July 8 - hopefully all day. If you are in the area, hit me up in the comments. Wish me luck!

WWE's Chris Benoit and Family Found Dead

Tonight Chris Benoit, along with his wife and son, were found dead in their Fayetteville, GA home. The authorities think this is a case of murder-suicide, but the facts are not all in yet.

While I hope that Chris Benoit was not responsible for the demise of his family, one can only hope that any demons he faced are finally put to rest. I enjoyed watching him wrestle over the years (although I consistently rooted against him), and had the pleasure of meeting him in an airport in Indianapolis back in 2002. Actually, he was pretty ingracious and a bit rude, and I took a rare pleasure in the fact that I was flying first class while he was stuck in coach. I even smirked a little as he shuffled past. Other bigger wrestlers and celebrities I have met over the years were much more gracious. But let us not speak ill of the dead.



Chris Benoit and family, RIP.

UPDATE - It turns out the "Canadian Crippler" had a completely crazy 'roid rage episode, killing his wife last Saturday, his son after watching a PPV he was meant to perform in, and killing himself on Monday. No one yet knows what was going through Benoit's head, but the fact that he was injecting his son with Human Growth Hormone is another sick twist. I don't think I wanna talk about this any more.

Who's Your QB?

I know Nati and MadAngler aren't big fans of Big Ben, but hey, he likes booze and chicks - so at least I can identify with him. Mr. Limp Handsy himself, Brady Quinn, I don't get at all. Picture from Mondesishouse.com.

Five Nightlife Activities More Fun Than Making It Rain

I could do better than that.

Pacman Jones is in trouble. And according to his family, he just has a habit of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. At nearly 24, he is already involved in an nearly deadly shooting, among other craziness as he tries to settle in the NFL.

While I am sure Pacman has a lot of personal issues to resolve, I am willing to take his family at his word - that he is around the wrong kind of people and just doesn't know how to have some fun without getting into trouble.

Given that I am a 27 year old single black man in Atlanta, I can be a bit of a mentor to Pacman Jones. My sights aren't on playing in the NFL, but I've never been a witness/suspect in a shooting either. But young guys are supposed to have fun - so here are five things that Pacman could do with his millions without getting into trouble. My brother, this is for you.

1. Keep your $81K on your debit card, not in a Hefty bag. The last time I saw $81,000 was on a tax return (definitely not my bank account) - so even I wouldn't have had the restraint seen in the above video not to snatch at money floating all around. You want to impress your friends at a strip club? Use your cash to reserve the VIP spot, and get lap dances all around... Depending on the reputation of the club, the more respectful you are to the girls (and the more money you have) the more the girls are willing to do besides just wiggle. Everyone - patrons, girls, owners - leaves with a smile on their face. My friends and I have done it for MUCH less than what Pacman pays in sales tax.

2. Use a car service. Drinking and driving is a huge problem, but it really burns me when rich people do it. Most major cities have private car services, or at least you can arrange them with limo groups in town. They don't cost terribly more than a cab - and the cars give you an air of class and make you look more generous than you are (that means more girls). I use them in NYC and DC, and it makes me come off as a pimp. And I have never had a DUI.

3. Work a nightclub's VIP room. The problem with Pacman is not that he is a thug, but he has the thug types with him. If you really have to have your best friend from third grade who never made it around - hook him up in the VIP. Free drinks, and a message for the bouncer that only hot girls and your friends get to move in and out freely. If I know anything at all, there is nothing that soothes the savage beast like a drunken hottie. Just make sure she is down to clown, or this idea might get you on the news as well. After the club closes, move the party to a hotel or something. I've done it, it works, it gets wild.

4. Hang out with just me, myself, and I. Everyone needs room to breathe, as do you. Depending on the city, you might get recognized - but if you abandon the "security" you will have a much better time relaxing. And hey, if you make it out to a classy bar and a cute lady chats you up, well - you might have a surprisingly good evening without involving the police. I travel for work and have done this in cities across the West... awesome.

5. Just like Kid 'n Play... House Party. There are three things you need to have to make this work: a great location, plenty of drinks and food, and a tight guest list. Location is important... you are always better off renting a secluded house and paying some Hefty bag money to have it professionally cleaned when you are done. Make sure to have plenty of booze so that no one get rowdy, and plenty of food so no one dies from alcohol poisoning. I would limit the contraband if I were you. Lastly, the guest list... you are a popular guy, so keep it tight. This is your opportunity to make a (good) name for yourself - so be VERY selective. If you get a reputation for throwing great parties, you can use this as leverage to invite reporters so they will write more favorable stories about you. House parties are always the most fun parties bar none, which is why so many college fraternities have them, and adults go out of their way to plan them. For someone with $81,000 to literally throw around - it is a way to have the best time possible, improve your image, and stay out of trouble. Hey, its how I roll...

Best of luck!

Entering the Off-Season...

With the passing of the mostly lacklustre Pro Bowl, there is really nothing in sports worth watching until March Madness and the return of baseball. Period.

To help you get through the doldrums, you can check out fencing.coletrain.org and learn about my performance in the oldest and coolest of sports. I might even cover some international action too if it is a slow day at the office.

If you are ever in the North Atlanta area, and you just have to see basketball in any of its forms - head out to Olde Towne on North Cobb Parkway in Kennesaw. Sure you will be surrounded by folks who are definitely packing heat, but it is worth it. The food, typical bar stuffs, is excellent and cheap; and the waitstaff is filled to the brim with pretty girls who love to flirt and make your drinking and dining a memorable experience. Trust me on this one... no one has ever spent only $25 at the ESPN Zone and had a smile on his face.

The Great Football Idea - Post Mortem

Looks like the clothes are staying on till next season. Riigght...

No one thought it would ever happen. And they were right. For the completely wrong reasons.

If you remember, my friends and I at an ATL bar came up with a harebrained scheme early last year to recruit girls from bars and the internet to serve as hostesses for our football parties in the fall. In the early going the theory was that the recruiting would be the toughest part, but once the girls are in place... everything would be cake. In the worst case scenario, we would be shot down and gets some great laughs (and even segue into something better), and the best case scenario would be success. Never before have I seen so many guys afraid in the face of success.

The MySpace Group page took off... and there were enough girls who looked like they might actually do this thing. (We were only looking for a max of six. ) Same thing with the Craigslist.org stuff, Yahoo! Personals, and Meet Me @ Hot or Not sites. And that's when we started hitting snags. One guy, who had a big screen, took his condo out of the running for possible sites for the party. Another, his girlfriend had moved in and nixed his place as well. My water heater exploded from too much pressure from a water main and flooded most of my 1st floor. (Insurance didn't cover the damage, so I got raped as well as denied.) That left only one viable place in town that could support such a party, and thankfully he was still in - for the time being.

Thankfully, it was Dennis' idea in the first place to organize all this - so things were cool. That is until Dennis uncovered the phenomenon that is internet dating (just like Columbus discovered America... it was always there). Not only did he find girls who were willing to take their tops off just because we said so, the ones that weren't willing wanted to date him! So then we go from discussions of how many girls are on board to which girl called for phone sex. Others he met for actual dates - in addition to the MySpace girls we met out to discuss the proposition. Eventually this activity got out among his female friends - who then went on a hunt to find him a real girlfriend.

This particular move led to an interesting situation. While all this was going on, I was seeing a girl I met at a wine bar in Smyrna. She was a bit older and a recently divorced single mother - but I am a sucker for redheads. She also taught at the local college, so being able to discuss Style Guides and sex at the same time was kinda cool. Guess what pretty redhead English professor with cute glasses was talking to Dennis about the topless thing. Yeah, figures. I knew something was up when I sent her an email and hadn't heard back in a couple days - and then Dennis mentions the redhead on the Meet Me page. I go to verify, and then call her from Dennis' phone. Klassi. Apparently she wasn't serious about Dennis persay, but she wanted to play the field, after all she was recently divourced. This whole enterprise was starting to get weird.

While all this was going on, I was in and out of town for work, fencing, volunteer events, and other things - while other male members of the team were out when I was in town. So even if every man was on board - there were only 4-5 weekends in the regular season were we could assemble a full team (or even have the guys outnumber the topless girls). Finally, as bowl season (and our last chance) approached, I heard this line and many variations.

I gotta be honest. I was all for this whole deal when I knew there was no way in hell it would come together. Now that I know that it is going to happen, I am really scared. I do have a girlfriend after all.

After that bold/sissy statement, that was the end. Dennis put title (no land) on his girlfriend, Jake put both land and title (a ring) on his new fiance's finger, and I hooked up with some random for a couple days.

Once I get my floors replaced (sometime late winter/early spring), I may poll some of my younger less attached friends. After all, there is still interest on the women's side.

24: God Bless MySpace

I will fuck up anyone in order to protect this country.

Rather than make my mad dash towards home at 8:42pm Monday night - giving me precisely 18 minutes to race down GA-400 and up I-75 in order to make it home in time for "the nonstop action of 24," I stayed a little longer at fencing practice and had dinner with 8MileGirl. She asked if I TiVo'd the show, and I said I didn't bother - thinking at worst I would just read the minute by minute summary of the episode on Fox.com. But thanks to a guy out west called Tom - I was able to watch the show commercial free last night at my convenience. On MySpace. Yes, MySpace the high school stalking website. (Facebook 4-eva!) Never mind MySpace is probably the most unwieldy of the socialnets out there - they have fucking 24 on demand! That is worth a few lost messages any day.

Beefcake on white. Boo-yah!

In other news that is not significant, the Big Lead praises the pimp hand of Stuart Scott. I've pulled some pretty cool playa moves, especially when I was up in Minnesota (Indian for the land without Steak 'n Shake or Chick-Fil-A) but none like this. I don't care how white certain people say the Stu is - it takes real talent to pull women consistently in Bristol when a) there are sport stars and opportunities to meet them all around b) you are married and c) there are hardily any women to fight over... period.

Maybe they should bring Stuart on 24 as sort of a new Curtis Manning. But instead of simply following orders, Stu could say "Jack, Fayed is inside the house. You got this right? 'Cause I gotta head next door to meet a... contact. Give me 45 minutes."

Best Super Bowl Quote Yet

The Cumslinger's bringing it!


This quote actually came from me - "What happened to the Sex Cannon? Grossman would throw an interception during a bukakke scene!"